LOVING FEARLESSLY

The word “fear” has come up a lot recently during conversations I’ve had about relationships. Everybody seems to have a story about it. We fear getting hurt. We fear being trapped. We fear choosing the wrong mate. And many of us fear that we will never find someone. With all the talk about fear, I started to wonder how we got so comfortable using that word to describe our feelings about relationships. Then it occurred to me, we really are fearful.

Gone are the days when believed that we would find our perfect love-that person who would cherish and care deeply for us. We have come to see love as a rare find that can only come to us if we are lucky or good or have learned how to correctly play the game. We have become jaded. We have become grown women who have seen enough to know that often, the pursuit of love does not have the fairytale ending we once dreamed of. So, we temper our expectations with just enough skepticism to show ourselves and the world that we get it. We aren’t looking for a fairytale. We want something real; and because we are so focused on being real, we have forgotten what it looks like to be shameless about our dreams of having that love that is perfect for us. We have forgotten what it looks like to be naive and eternally hopeful in the face of love. We have become fearful of being judged or ridiculed for wanting too much.

As we focus more and more on what’s “real”, we choose to talk about our disappointments, how we have failed, and how others have failed us. We talk about limited opportunities and single girl contingency plans. We talk about finding our satisfaction outside of relationships. We talk about choosing to have a life instead of chasing a relationship. And when we are being particularly generous with ourselves, we allow ourselves to speak about that course we took to better prepare ourselves for that potential relationship, should we be so lucky to ever find it. But love is not something that is out there for us to find or to “get right.” And, it is not something that can be won or lost. Love just is.

So what would it look like if we allowed ourselves to truly believe that we don’t ever have to find love, because we are constantly surrounded and embraced by it? To know that there is nothing we could ever do that could separate us from it, and that we can never lose it or get it wrong? And finally, what would it look like if we chose to change our conversation and began to speak positively about love? We can start today by letting go of the fear that we won’t have it and we can boldly speak the desire of our heart into existence. Today, we can choose to love fearlessly.

-Angie G.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IN AN “OPEN” RELATIONSHIP?

What do I believe?  How did I come to believe what it is that I believe?  Does what I believe empower me?  At some point, most of us have considered the first question, but have never stopped to ask ourselves the second or the third.  Perhaps we should. 

You see, when it comes down to it, the fact is that most of our beliefs have been established based on what others have taught us. The rest?  Well, the rest is a hodge-podge of conclusions that we’ve arrived at based on life experience; some good, some bad.  There are some beliefs that are so deeply ingrained in us that we are willing to fight, or even die for them.  Others, while they may not be as sacred, are still familiar.  They are what we know to be “true”, but what should we do when our “truth” does not serve us?

Recently, I found myself sitting in casual observation of all the brouhaha surrounding Jada Pinkett Smith and the allegations that she shares an open marriage with her husband, actor Will Smith. Whether open or closed, I had formed no real opinion about their relationship.  It was none of my business and therefore required no debate, argument, or editorial on my part.  At least that was how I felt up until Jada released a statement in response to the uproar.  Then, I sat up and took notice.

"Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should 'behave'? Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of 'you better act right or else' keep one honest and true?...”

Jada continues-

"Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE...for us???"

When I read Jada’s statement, I felt a strong urge to rise to my feet and give her a standing ovation. It was out there.  She said it-the thing that most of us don’t want to acknowledge.  And I give her credit for being wise enough to recognize and speak the truth: believing that we can somehow control, threaten or guilt someone into honesty or fidelity is a delusion.  In fact, believing that we should have to says even more about us than it does about the person that we are involved with.  Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own choices and we must allow others the freedom to do the same.   And within that context, it really doesn’t matter how we choose to define our relationship.  What matters is the quality of our experience.  What matters is whether or not we are in a relationship that honors us.

Now, I’m sure that there are many who do not agree with Jada’s views on marriage or how she chooses to define her relationship (hence all the tongue-wagging).  What do I believe?  I believe that marriage is just like everything else in life-meant to show us who we are, not to create a false sense of security for ourselves.  I believe that if we are in a relationship where we cannot trust ourselves and our partner enough to love freely and openly, then we are out of place.  I believe that relationships help to expose all of our little insecurities so that we might be healed, not for us to make our partner responsible for managing our anxieties. 

In the end, what each of us believes about marriage and relationships is a personal choice.  If our beliefs empower us and allow us to grow, then we are in integrity with ourselves.  But if they do not, we should find the courage to change them.  So, what do you believe?

-Angie G. 

RELATIONSHIPS: DO WE KNOW WHEN IT'S REAL?

What’s all of this talk about “real” relationships?  As women, we tend to spend a great deal of time on this subject.  We measure potential mates against the standard of what we have determined a real relationship to be, and we are quick to express our frustration at the fact that there seems to be a shortage of potential suitors that meet our qualifications.  Most of us are certain that we know what a real relationship is, but do we really?  We might be a little confused. Or slightly misguided, maybe.

Perhaps our biggest error is buying into the notion that such a thing actually exists.  For the most part, our perception of what constitutes a “real” relationship is determined by some arbitrary list of standards that generally includes, at a minimum, “quality”, intention, reciprocity, stability and feelings of unconditional love and emotional security.  But what if those things, when they show up, are merely by-products of, and not the purpose of the relationship?  And what if that seemingly pervasive sense of frustration that we are experiencing on the relationship front isn’t really about the so-called quality of the people we meet, the much talked about shortage of “good” men, or even the result of a bad economy?  What if the issue isn’t about anything external to us?  What if our frustration is solely a result of our own unmanaged expectations and belief in fairytales? 

I am not suggesting that we should not desire kindness, support, consideration and warm, fuzzy feelings from our relationships, but when we focus only on the by-products, we miss the purpose.  Somewhere, somehow, many of us got lost in the story that a “real” relationship, as we have come to define it, is not only a goal, but a requirement.   Anything less is considered to be settling; and we may even sexy that up by calling it “compromise.”  But whatever we choose to call it, there appears to be an underlying belief that we are missing out on something that we are entitled to.  It is that belief that prevents us from taking our relationship experiences as they come and limits our ability to learn and grow from them.

The simple truth is that ALL relationships are “real” relationships.  And all relationships, whether we determine them to be good or bad, provide an opportunity for us to be greater.  They provide insight into our very being and are merely the mirrors that reflect on us our own majesty, as well as our own fears and insecurities.   Our relationships can be no better or worse that who we are choosing to be at any given time.  You can’t get any more real than that.

-Angie G.

Labels Can Get Sticky

We just love labels. We look for particular labels on the clothes that we wear, the cars that we drive, the products that we use and even on the foods that we eat. We believe that it helps us to differentiate between quality and junk. Heck, we love labels so much that we even put them on people; rich, poor, pretty, ugly, nice, mean, good, bad. We develop lists of characteristics and behaviors that we look for so that we can easily place the people in our lives into neat little categories. Makes life simple, right? Some would say, “yes”, but the problem with labels and categories is that they cause us to limit our choices. And when we limit our choices, we limit our experiences.

When it comes to developing relationships, we tend to analyze everything according to our little lists and we judge (oh, how we judge) a person’s suitability and/or worthiness based upon the limited perspective of our experiences. We treat people according to the labels that we place on them and we feel justified in doing so. In our minds, if a person exhibits a characteristic that places them in a category based upon our past experiences, the person becomes that, i.e., player, selfish, untrustworthy, etc. We have a hard time reconciling the possibility that they can be a person who does something that reminds us of some unpleasant past experience as well as a person who is loving and kind.

As we gain more experience, and we’ve pieced our broken little hearts together time and time again, we become acutely aware of relationship warning signs. When we sense the presence of bullshit or questionable behaviors, the little hairs stand up on our arms and we brace ourselves by building walls and making it clear that we can “see through all of that!” The problem is, one seemingly false move does not a bullshit make. We, all of us, have borderline qualities that would call us to question, and yet we don’t expect for someone to make an assumption about our entire character based upon one or two shortcomings.

It is understandable that we would want to protect ourselves when getting to know a potential partner. If we didn’t, we would be irresponsible. But we must always remember that we have not met EVERY TYPE of man or woman that exists. Just because a certain characteristic reminds us of a person with whom we have had an unpleasant experience, that does not mean that ALL people with similar characteristics will behave exactly as that person did. Even more importantly, it does not mean that we should respond the same as we did in similar past experiences. Sticking a label on someone based upon “what I know” can keep us ignorant. Maintaining false power over people by holding them in a box of our own construct is the perfect way to ensure ourselves a nice, cozy, enclosure. :)

SHOW ME YOURS AND I'LL SHOW YOU MINE

Relationships...oh the pain! The misery! The heartbreak! For serial daters, relationships can become a cycle; fun, excitement, challenge, escape, pain, misery, heartbreak. Over and over again until the heart becomes steel and the tongue could pierce armor. For those of us who are “unlucky” in love, we can get to the point where we feel that someone must “earn” our trust before we let our guard down; that we’ve got too much going on to just let some guy use up all of our good stuff and leave us with more emotional baggage than we deny we had before meeting the guy!

Once we get to a “certain age” we can sometimes emit a signal of ‘prove to me that you’re worth my time‘. We can be serious, slow to laugh, quick to accuse and very self-concerned. But when we act like this, is this really us? Are we really showing up to this fresh, clean situation fresh and clean? We fortress our hearts and in the process our soft, feeling center is encased, yet we expect for someone to respond to who we know ourselves to be; warm, loving, generous, thoughtful and interesting...huh?!?

Interaction within a relationship is just like anything else in life; you get what you give. We look for a man to show up and be a perfect representation of himself but oftentimes we aren’t even being our real selves; I mean who is this skeptical, quid pro quo, scorekeeper anyway? It’s funny because we always expect “the one” to be able to see past all of our gar-bage and see us for who we really are, yet we take everyone else we encounter at face value, ha!

When our expectation is that someone will trick us or sell us a dream, we behave in ways that are consistent with that belief. Our behavior, (not being a true reflection of who we know ourselves to be) causes the men in our lives to respond to it, not to us. When we play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” in a relationship, we lose. If we were honest with ourselves, we would acknowledge that when we take on this attitude, we wouldn’t want to date the person that we are being. Yet, we just justify our behaviors because we know who we really are.

At some point, we have to release...we have to trust that our past experiences and greater understanding will lead us to what is best for us. We have to trust ourselves and know that if things don‘t work out, we will still be ok, we will still be strong, and we will still have our dignity. If we really want to have love in our lives, we have to give ourselves the freedom to let down our guards and trust our own judgment to choose people that will honor us and act accordingly. If our behavior truly is a mirror, we should get back from our partners what we give and if not, we can choose to go elsewhere.

Enjoy "What is" for What it is

As women, we can sometimes focus so heavily on the outcome of a relationship that we miss our opportunity to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the moment. Many of us find ourselves feeling that if the relationship is not “going somewhere”, then it is a waste of our time. We may even stop ourselves from enjoying a perfect date because we don’t want to get too comfortable, or give too much of ourselves. We attempt to avoid being let down- by what we consider to be a potentially unfavorable ending- by holding ourselves apart from living joyously in the moment. Our deepest fear is that we will lose out; that we will somehow be fooled, tricked, or lied to.

When our focus is on the outcome of the relationship instead of the kindness and intimacy shared in each moment with the person that we are involved with, it causes a slew of unintended consequences. There is a shift from joy, to the fear of loss when we look toward a future that is based upon getting to goal and seeking a guaranteed “forever.” For example, if a man says that he wants to get married and have a baby in the future, we may take that to mean that he wants to get married and have a baby with us. But let’s say weeks down the line, he says in conversation, “When my wife and I have a baby…” and it is not clear that he is speaking about us, we are offended and act as if a bucket of ice cold water has been thrown in our face based upon a story that we made up!

The reality is that anyone, at any moment, can decide whether or not they want to be with us. But, not allowing ourselves to feel happy or joyful because a relationship is not “going somewhere” does nothing to endear our partners to us; in fact, it can act as a repellant. The fact will never change that we can’t create our futures based upon what someone else is doing or saying today. We are ever-changing, ever-growing creatures. The best that we can do is to relax and enjoy each moment without plotting and planning what’s in it for us. We should enjoy our every experience based upon the value we receive in the present instead of focusing on the potential that someone else may decide to move on.

Knowing When to Say When

It is a common stereotype that men have applied to women…..women talk too much! If we would just allow them to have the TV remote, a beer, some good food and great sex every now and again, they would be happy! Of course, this is an oversimplification and different strokes are meant for different folks, but there may be some validity to the statement that as women, we talk too much…… or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that sometimes we just don’t know when to shut up.

We’ve all heard the term “nag” before and it never seems to describe the woman that we see ourselves to be. In our minds, we justify what we say, how we say it, and why we need to constantly repeat ourselves in our communications with the men in our lives. We honestly feel that if we don’t, they will somehow miss the point or may forget to follow through on what we ask of them. But, if we look deeply into why we feel the need to over-communicate on certain issues, we may find a deeply-rooted fear; a fear that we are powerless.

Often, when we feel a compulsion towards repetition, all in the name of “asserting” ourselves or making ourselves clear, what we are really trying to do is manage our own anxiety. If we repeat something enough times, if we can just get them to understand our point of view, if we make sure that they are aware that we ain’t playing and that we mean business, everything will be better. What we fail to see is that once we have worn out our welcome on a discussion topic, we often leave our men feeling deflated, uninspired and resentful. We dampen the brilliance of their creativity, constrict their desire to be generous, and trample on any hope of genuine spontaneity.

In our push to be understood, sometimes we fail to understand. When we force our point out of fear that we will not get OUR needs met, we stop meeting the needs of our partners. If we were to put the shoe on the other foot, how many of us would appreciate the behavior? If our men repeated themselves over and over, over-shared their feelings about our lack of understanding, and demeaned us like children for “stepping out of line”, how tolerant would we be towards them? More than likely, we would say something like, “Not me. Not today!” and remind them that we are fully grown and capable of responding without all of the “extra”.

From this point forward, let’s make an attempt to communicate from a place of love and not fear. We may be surprised at the outcome.

JUST DO IT MY WAY...

Why is it that we have such a hard time accepting one another as we are when we are in a relationship? Men and women each feel that we bring something magically unique to the table; something that the other just can’t do without. This is true. Women have gifts that men need, as men have certain gifts that women need; but are we using those complementary gifts to our advantage or are we using these gifts to make one another feel inferior?

For a man, that may be observing a woman’s emotions and judging them as wrong or feeling that she is being “dramatic.” However, for women, this looks different. Often, as we observe men’s behavior, we believe that we are smarter or more gifted and we take on the belief that we must tolerate what we perceive to be a man’s shortcomings. We criticize them for small things like when they don’t load the dishwasher correctly or when they go to the grocery store and buy the “wrong” brand of juice, or how they never seem to tuck the corners just so when they make the bed. We make a big deal out of the little things and develop a perception of who they are based upon things that don’t really matter. What makes our way the best way and what is the cost when we continue to hold on to this belief? We become frustrated when things are not done our way, and in turn it causes us to feel burdened or that we don’t have the support that we need from them.

What we don’t get is that this is arrogant. When we judge one another as lacking or deficient in some regard, we aren’t able to appreciate the areas where they are gifted; where they complement or enhance our lives.

It would be so much easier if we choose to see things differently; if we choose to celebrate the differences between one another. Not focusing on what we see as wrong or lacking, but taking the time to appreciate the value that we add to one another's lives.

IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT FOR ME

We just can't help ourselves. As we live our lives, making observations and taking on different beliefs, we create a vision of what our ideal relationship will look like. We spend our time hunting for a relationship based on this idea of perfection and it doesn't matter what we haven’t seen or experienced in the way of perfection. Most of us have a preconceived notion of how our ideal relationship will go down. In our minds, our love will defy all odds. We will have perfect communication. We will keep our love alive. We will work through everything that comes our way. Our love will conquer all.

It’s always interesting when we get into the grit of a relationship; when the shine wears off and what’s left is the raw, guttural experience of two very different people trying to meet somewhere in the middle. In this place is where “…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, …” begins to sound more like movie dialogue than real-life reality! It is in this moment of reckoning that we begin the internal dialogue of, “is this really worth it??” Sometimes we begin to think about the other character traits and positive aspects our partners are missing that would be more compatible with our idea of a “perfect mate." We begin to question our decision to be with our partner and look for an escape route, or worse yet, a way to change them in order to make them more acceptable. Our declaration to “conquer all” begins to seem naïve, and “I’ll choose better next time” becomes our new mantra.

But, have we ever stopped to consider how much happier and more fulfilled we could be if we focused on what we have before us in this very moment? What if we nurtured our relationships based upon our partner's capabilities, as we know them to be, instead of blaming them for not being what we expected in our relationship fantasies? What if we released the expectation and longing for having something different; could we simply choose for this experience to be enough? Could we allow “happy” to be the joy that we get from allowing them to be who they are, and conversely, them allowing us to be who we are?

Perhaps living the fairytale is knowing that the fairytale doesn't exist. That a "perfect" love is loving one another for who and what we are right now, in this very moment; without the expectation of more, better or different.

DON'T BLAME YOUR CRAZY ON INTUITION!

As women, we have come to rely on our intuition to help steer us away from danger. We feel confident that what we perceive to be true is reality. Through our intuition, we are able to sniff out a lie. We know when something is "not right" or is out of sorts and it causes us to protect ourselves when we encounter negative situations. In short, we use our intuition to come to conclusions about what "is."

We have become so comfortable with relying on our intuition that we often fail to see when it ceases to be a gift and instead becomes a curse. In relationships, we can get so caught up in the feeling that something is amiss, we lose sight of the purpose of our intuition and instead focus solely on the stories that we create; and these stories are often created as a result of past hurts. Sometimes, things are not as they appear and it is our misinterpretation of what we believe to be intuition that becomes the catalyst for negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that can damage our relationships.

What would be possible if instead of reacting, we choose to take a step back and think about what it is that we really want? Is it to be reassured? Is it to avoid disappointment? When we act on what we think we "know" under the guise of following our intuition, we create tension that leads to breakdowns in communication. Instead of drawing our partners nearer to us, it drives them away. It creates the very thing that we are seeking to avoid.

We have all heard the saying, "the truth always come to light", but when we hold so tightly to our beliefs about what is absolutely true based upon a story that we have conjured up, we can't see the difference between protecting ourselves and causing unnecessary drama.

PROMISES, PROMISES...

When we say that we are committed to someone, what does that mean? For most of us, we believe that once we enter into a commitment, a promise is made that requires follow-through on an agreement between two people. Once we establish this agreement, we feel that we can plan our future based upon this certainty. We take the “sweet whisperings” of love and all of its hopeful promises and attach it to some future that has yet to happen. But, the expectation that someone else’s emotions, beliefs or behaviors will remain unchanged is unrealistic at best.

The way that we have come to interpret commitment is that when an expression of love is made by a partner yesterday, along with the promises of forever based upon his/her feelings in that moment, it must always and forever be that way. In a commitment, we sometimes don’t recognize how we put people in a box and hold them forever accountable for a thought or a feeling that they shared yesterday. When a person chooses to no longer engage or honor those promises, we often create our own unhappiness by labeling the person as selfish, cruel, and deceptive.

When we do this, we don’t realize how we are being unfair to them and holding ourselves hostage. We cannot grow because we are choosing to be stuck in the past. We kick and scream and fight the process because we are trying to jam our present reality into yesterday’s picture frame. It’s like putting on clothes that don’t fit anymore. Yeah, we may have liked them. They may have been flattering at one time, but when we attempt to squeeze ourselves into clothes that no longer fit, it ain’t gonna be pretty! We are going be uncomfortable, and people around us are going to be uncomfortable watching us. Yes, the clothes used to fit, but they don’t anymore. What are we going to do with that? Fuss about the fact that they don’t fit, or buy some new clothes? We have choices…

What would it look like if we defined commitment as a promise to our partners and ourselves to live in the present? What if commitment was about growth and not a promise to stay the same? What if we chose to live without the pressure of dragging our pasts into our futures? What if we could simply be a witness to our partner’s personal growth and evolution and allow them to be a witness to ours? If our only promise to our partners is to make a commitment to growth, we would see ALL of our relationships as opportunities to love without fear.

CHASING "WIFEY"

Over the years, we have often observed that men make choices in their mates based upon an image of what “wifey” should be or look like. This standard is usually based on a need to impress others or to maintain their self-image. While we understand that everyone has their preferences on who they are attracted to, we can also see how these preferences can be a way of protecting a man from confronting his own insecurities.

We have all heard the stereotype of what men look for in a partner; a woman who is agreeable, doesn’t ask too many questions, doesn’t talk too much, maintains a certain physical “image”, and always, without question, has her man's back. On the surface, these may be perceived as positive traits but judging a woman solely on her ability to conform to this image does not allow a man to truly be all of who he is. When a man makes it clear to a woman that she is too much of one thing or not enough of the other, she may contort herself to fit the mold of what she thinks that man may want. But, what are the unintended consequences of creating this standard?

We believe that only seeking out these preferred traits in a woman could result in a man creating self-imposed limitations that ultimately stagnate his personal growth and stifle his ability to move beyond his comfort zones. Using the perception of lack and the belief in a shortage of “quality men” to instill fear and manipulate women into conforming to a certain standard not only causes injury to the collective self-esteem of women, but it also prevents a man from fully developing into his own manhood. When this happens, a man becomes a child to be catered to instead of a strong man that protects and supports his woman.

When a man deliberately seeks for a woman to be less than who she is, he does not allow himself to be more of who he is. By adopting these stereotypes, he is not making smart choices, as he would assume. What he is really doing is keeping himself safe from feeling vulnerable and therefore becomes a slave to his own insecurities. When a man requires that a woman be a Barbie doll character, he settles for a lie. As this deception plays itself out, he becomes more and more dissatisfied with the women that he attracts, and in turn blames the women for being fake. But, fake is as fake does. When we deny others to be fully expressed in a relationship, we deny ourselves the freedom of being accepted for who we really are.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

In response to the YouTube video posted in the blog, "You Can't Handle a Strong Black Woman!", we’ve had various off-line discussions. In our interpretation, the common theme among women seemed to be the willingness or a lack of the willingness to take personal responsibility for the truth presented in the video. While we don’t agree with everything presented, we take it as one viewpoint about who Black women have become in relationships; one that cannot be so easily dismissed. And, although we acknowledge that the images represented in the video are not indicative of every Black woman, we do recognize ourselves in some aspects of it.

We found that other women were not so open to the video and dismissed everything contained within it based on the approach taken by makers of the video. But, we didn’t find ourselves to be so easily offended. In conversations about the video, we were able to clearly see how being focused on making someone else wrong (i.e. the video makers, men, society, etc.) keeps us stuck and inhibits our ability to grow. However, for us, we were able to look back at some of our experiences and relate to how being resistant to taking responsibility leads to our own dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

ALISA SAYS:

I have not always wanted to take responsibility for my behaviors in the past. A lot of the time, I would not even know where I was being hurtful until someone pointed it out to me. When attention was brought to my ugliness, I didn’t want to admit that I had made a mistake. I felt that admitting a mistake would have made me appear weak and would have taken away my power and authority. Now “power” and “authority” may sound like curious words within a relationship, but from an early age, I was conditioned to not allow anyone, especially a man, take advantage of me.

I remember a past relationship where I was very loved by a man that had been my friend for years prior to developing into a romantic relationship. He was funny, thoughtful, sweet, intelligent and a man of his word; his only “flaw” was that he made less money than I did at the time. I recall an incident where I accused this loving man of not living up to his potential. I cruelly exposed his weaknesses and stripped him of his dignity. Although I knew this was wrong on a human level, I felt justified because I felt that I needed to put some fire under his butt to inspire him to want to be more…

Shortly after this incident, he cheated on me with another woman. It's only in retrospect that I see myself clearly. Instead of encouraging him and pointing out his strengths, offering loving guidance and supporting his growth in HIS time, I chose to contribute to his low self-esteem, break his spirit, and reaffirm his internal belief-system that had held him captive for so long.

No one knows whether he would have cheated or not if I had been secure enough in myself to focus more on his intense love for me, his integrity and his positive work ethic, rather than how I felt about HIS life choices. What I do know is that if at the time, I had been less focused on how he was wrong for cheating and more concerned about my role in making him feel like less than a man, I would have become more of a woman sooner.

ANGIE SAYS:

For me, I see how easy it is for women to evade personal responsibility for our actions in relationships. After all, society supports us in our victimization. No matter what we do, it seems that we can always fall back on the same response, “if he hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y” or “it’s his fault!” But what is the cost for us using this excuse? The cost is a loss of power, dignity and integrity. It causes us to place our self-esteem and emotional well-being in someone else’s hands and it causes us to look outside ourselves for the truth the resides within each of us.

As I look back on each of my past relationships, I can acknowledge how very clearly I saw my partners for who they were. My “issue” was that I judged them according to the story of who I thought they should be and became offended or made them wrong whenever they couldn’t meet those standards. Therefore, for me at that time, I was quick to jump to the conclusion that it was their fault when we encountered problems in the relationship.

I do not know how long those relationships would have lasted if I had made myself responsible for what I knew from the beginning instead of waiting for them to magically turn into my “ideal man”. But, what I do know is that I would have avoided suffering had I only lived in the truth of what I had always known them to be. I would not have ignored those attributes that inspired me or would have allowed me to appreciate the love that they unselfishly gave; even though it may not have looked the way that I thought that it should have. Today, I am friends with my exes. Not because of who they should be, but because of who they are. My love for them is unconditional, period.

When we look at videos like RIP Black America2, we can choose to take what is true for us and discard the rest. When we are immediately offended by the delivery of a message, it can distract us from hearing the parts of the message that can propel us toward our own personal growth. Through our experiences, we have come to realize that we owe it to ourselves and our partners to be responsible for our choices and the actions that we take as a result of those choices. Focusing on someone else's shortcomings does nothing to bring us to a common understanding in our relationships. Instead, it only further alienates our partners and causes them to withdraw from being emotionally available to us. When we become stuck in the story of "It's not my fault!", NOBODY wins.

THE DOCUMENTARY - PART ONE

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of participating in the making of a documentary on love and relationships. Women and men from various backgrounds and professions came together to discuss the one thing that we all strive for but do not always agree on how to get it, maintain it, or how to conduct ourselves in it: LOVE!

The conversations were lively and provided everyone involved the opportunity to be honest about our philosophies on love and relationships, what we hope to experience in our relationships and where we sometimes feel lost. Looking back, the experience was both exhilarating and thought-provoking...

We both had many "ah ha" moments throughout the day and gained further insights on who we are and have been to the men in our lives, as well as who we want to be in relationship. While we would all agree that relationships can be challenging, in the end, we seek common ground and to love one another.

Peace and blessings to the cast and crew!

I GOT YOU, BOO!

We all know what it looks like when we get caught up running extra errands for our man and picking up his slack even when he doesn't ask for it; in other words, "I got you, Boo." Often, we do this to make ourselves indispensible. We live in the story of 'this is what you do when you're in a relationship' and in doing these things, our men will recognize how good we are.

But, daytime television would not be the same without all of the Court TV shows filled with cases of "I got you, Boo" gone wrong. Funny, how all of our good intentions and selflessness go out of the window when we perceive that our actions are not appreciated. When we are in the depths of a relationship, and it looks like things may go our way, we extend ourselves to keep the good feelings going by doing, doing, doing, for our men. However, when a man does not show the proper amount of appreciation for our efforts, we judge him as being bad for taking advantage of our willingness to make life easier for him.

What would it look like if we focused primarily on what we gained from the relationship that offered us such valuable practice? Practice at becoming a better cook, a more patient person, a sensual lover, or how to better relate to and communicate with men. Yet, we often choose to play the victim and focus only on what someone has taken from us. We feel taken advantage of when the truth is; we've offered ourselves not for the sake of being generous, but to enhance our image in someone else's eyes.

Can you recall a time when you may have given of yourself in a relationship to enhance your image and now realize that you missed an opportunity to appreciate who you have become as a result of the experience?

I ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

Last week we started reading "The Conversation" by Hill Harper. We were really excited that Mr. Harper is taking on a lot of the issues that we hope to explore in our blog. We will be periodically blogging about some of the issues that he addresses in his book and we invite you to share in some of your experiences and self-discoveries. We strongly encourage you to pick up a copy of the book and be a part of our on-line discussions!

In chapter three of "The Conversation", Mr. Harper points out the various stereotypes that black women and black men have about each other and how they threaten our possibility of creating happy relationships. It started us questioning what stereotypes we've bought into and how they have impacted our relationships. Once we began excavating our belief systems and looking at the ickiness that we each have inside, we recognized that we would have to get real with ourselves before we would be able to get beyond these negative stereotypes and press the "PERMANENT DELETE" button on our real feelings.

ANGIE SAYS:

While I don't buy into the stereotypes that were presented in the book, I was struck by the belief that black women have an "I don't need a man" attitude, especially since so many of us are looking to be in a relationship. As I thought long and hard about that, it came to me that in many ways, my preference for a particular kind of man comes across to brothers as judgment or simply put, that I don't need a man. I then realized that I, like many women, look for the same qualities in men that I saw in my father.

My father was strong. He took care of business and never complained. I rarely saw any sign of weakness. Because of this, I realize that I have often mistaken a certain sensitivity as weakness in a man. I now see that this is not necessarily so. While I still prefer a "strong" type I am now able to better make the distinction between what it is to prefer particular traits and having judgment about men who do not exhibit their strengths in the same way that I am familiar with. Strength can be shown in many ways if I am open to seeing it.

ALISA SAYS:

It is sad to say, but I identified a good deal with the stereotypes Mr. Hill listed in his book about black men. Once I concluded chapter three, and I had to 'permanent[ly] delete' these beliefs, I struggled. I didn't want to because these beliefs were too deeply rooted based upon what I had experienced, seen, heard, and felt. I had always felt that I didn't like the negative things that black men did but when I got real with myself, I discovered that all of the negative things that black men do actually added up to my definition of what a black man is. I was shocked.

Combing through my experiences and past relationships, I realized that I had so many bad feelings and mistrust toward men. To escape, I began reaffirming the negative stereotypes resigning myself to "that's just the way it is" but then I dug in and challenged myself to go further, to be stronger. It's just that I had no idea that I could run those negative tapes and stereotypes over and over in my mind and not be able to separate myself from the belief that that crap was true...

By doing the work to examine the stereotypes and how they personally affected each of us, we are now more aware of how harboring these false beliefs can damage our relationships. Holding on to negative generalizations about other people does not allow us to see the lie in the thinking and it prevents us from recognizing where we need to heal ourselves. Ultimately, this negative thinking holds us back from what we most want; to love and be loved.

What negative beliefs do you have about the opposite sex? How do you think they have impacted your relationships?

I WANT HIM TO WANT TO MAKE ME HAPPY

Anonymous' Comment: "...I in no way feel satisfaction in making my mate unhappy. The satisfaction comes when they are happy to make me happy and vice versa. Sometimes that means making sacrifices. Aren't relationships all about making sacrifices/compromises?"

ALISA SAYS:
I am motivated by the desire to make someone happy. When a person has captured my interest, I want them to have something within them that causes me to want to step outside of myself and give more. But, I also want them to see something in me that will cause them to do the same. I recognize that there is a breakdown in that thinking. A person should not have to do something or be some way in order for me to be more of who I am.

ANGIE SAYS:
"The satisfaction comes when they are happy to make me happy..." Hmmm...what exactly does this mean? Once we peel back the layers of the "story" about what relationships should be and eliminate all of the romantic notions about what it means to make someone happy, an undeniable truth remains. Someone cannot make us happy, they can only share in our happiness.

When we want someone to want to make us happy, we still want what we want; we just want them to be happy doing it. This thinking has nothing to do with having consideration for the other person; rather it is about us wanting them to want something for our own selfish gratification. Some would argue that they are not asking for something that they are not willing to give, but this is bartering.

This kind of quid pro quo can constitute a relationship, but is it love? Love in its purest form is giving without the expectation of getting something in return. At the moment that we expect something from love, we are no longer in a place of being loving. The concept that we have of love can be used as a tool to help us achieve what we want, or to feel a certain way, but love as a simple way of being requires nothing. Ironically, when we are loving, people around us are naturally inspired to share in the things that we appreciate.

In love relationships, how do we recognize when we are using love as a tool to get what we want? How do we begin to recognize in ourselves when we have turned the corner and have gone outside of love?

IF YOU LOVE ME, PROVE IT: THE STORY OF SACRIFICE IN RELATIONSHIP

We often expect men to make certain sacrifices for the "good" of the relationship because in our "story" that is what love and commitment are all about. As women, we make certain concessions and go out of our way to prove our love. We demonstrate through our sacrifices that we are worthy of his love and we believe that he should do the same.

For a number of us women, one way that love and commitment are measured is by a man's willingness to do something that we want him to do even when it is clear to us that he doesn't want to do it. We get some kind of satisfaction in knowing that he has made himself unhappy to make us happy. Now this may not necessarily be the intention, but if we were to take away all of the superficial reasons behind why we have made his compliance meaningful, we would see how in some way our self-worth is tied to a story about how we maintain power in the relationship.

Of course, in love, there is sacrifice, but the distinction here is choice. The difference is in the person choosing how to express their love and commitment and our ability to accept that without making judgments about whether or not it is "good enough."

Where did the belief "if you love me, you'll do what I want you to do, even though you don't want to do it..." come from and why do we buy into it?

Why do we get tricked into thinking that sacrifice, as we narrowly define it, enhances the relationship? What role does obligation and sacrifice play in making the relationship "good?"

THE STORY OF THE FAIRYTALE RELATIONSHIP

In our discussions, we've discovered something about ourselves. We found out that in seeking a relationship with a man, we have created a character image of a man and our image of him rarely changes. This role comes complete with a costume, props, character breakdown and pre-written lines; and the accompanying story has a pre-determined "happy-ending" that more often than not ends with a ring, two kids, a house and a dog!

We spend our time looking for an actor to play the part and it doesn't matter who he is, or what he does, what his beliefs are or even what his expectations are for the relationship. You see...we believe that all men should follow our script. And, when he doesn't we ask ourselves "what's wrong with him?"

But more than that, we like this script, this script comforts us and when he doesn't follow it we think "what's the point?" The whole point of the script is to follow the script. He is supposed to sweep us off our feet, love us unconditionally and know exactly what we need and what to say at the right moments...

But then we figured out that we had bought into a story and we started to question ourselves, we began challenging ourselves and challenging each other asking:

Oh, really? And how realistic is that? Who made up this story and why have we adopted it as our own? If we look around at other people's relationships...I mean really look, do we see this fairytale story playing itself out according to our expectations? How many people follow a script that other people write for them?

And we asked ourselves "did we?" Do you?