Sunday, October 18, 2009


In chapter four of "The Conversation", Mr. Hill Harper makes the observation that women sometimes fail to make the men they date feel wanted. He describes making a man feel wanted as, "...a woman[s] truly including a man in her decision-making process, asking him to weigh in on things that matter to her, and then valuing his answer." When we read this, we began to evaluate why we sometimes do not allow a man's opinion to weigh as heavily as our girlfriends' on things that are important to us.

Where did we get this? Are we fearful that if we accept a man's direction, we have relinquished control over our own lives and could be lead down the wrong path and left in a ditch? Too often, we believe that the way to make a man feel wanted is by wearing sexy shoes and lingerie, but this is just window-dressing. We tend to only accept his input when he agrees with our point-of-view and when he doesn't, we make it clear to him that we don't need his help, period. However, when it comes to our advice for him, we want to be the leader of the band! We want him to march in perfect step, never break formation, and to sound damned good while doing it!

So many of us desire the comfort of a good man, yet we find ourselves struggling with how to make a man feel wanted and how to share our lives in a meaningful way. Fear can cause us to be unwilling to allow a man who is worthy, but imperfect like ourselves, to step up in a way that honors the both of us. We would all say that we want to make a man feel wanted, but if that is truly what we desire, then we have to behave in ways that are consistent with experiencing that outcome.

1 comment:

  1. Heh, I think his thoughts on the male inclusion are outdated, and are upheld solely by the outdated male. Apologies in advance for being so long winded, and perhaps I’m taking it out of context as I haven’t read the book. Both parties in a relationship should uphold each other’s opinions over most others as they are the only two that really matter when it comes to their bond. But if this is being presented as a “must-have” for male happiness whe dating, then it’s ridiculous. Insecurity is what fuels that unwarranted requirement to be conferenced with prior to any finalized decisions. As a male, have confidence that your counterpart is capable of making sound decisions independent of you, while maintaining comfort that those decisions hold no bearing on the status of your relationship, nor how you (the male) are viewed within the relationship. No one wants to be excluded, and if respect and love are there, the inclusion will always be there in tandem. Communication and consultation will come automatically once a defined, intimate commitment is formed. To suggest that that is required in any dawning state of a relationship is just plain silly. For the sake of being controversial, await the "I told you so" moment following failure as the result of an ill-contrived decision. But tell her so with tact and tenderness, of course. ;-) Sure, every human being has the desire to feel loved and wanted. But the efforts & methods used to satiate that desire should not come by way of stroking one's ego.

    If anything, prefer to uphold the chivalrous role and await those windows of opportunity when your services, err.. opinions are requested/valued/NEEDED. Then and ONLY then will they be completely appreciated and digested thoroughly. Like everyone, she needs space to grow and explore her own mind. Not constantly be intellectually stagnated by the idea of her thoughts not holding any merit without authoritative approval. ...I liken it to walking through an art gallery while on a date. Don't be so hasty to immediately overwhelm her with all of your opinions on the pieces on display, despite your possible expertise. Allow her time to digest all of it on her own, formulate her own opinions, give her the breathing room she may need to explore and take it all in... Pick your spots carefully and offer opinions when needed. Better yet, when requested. Usually best when following an inquiry of her own thoughts. Confidence is the key. When it becomes this mechanical process of the female going through the monotonous motions of dotting the I's and crossing the T's by way of ensuring she begrudgingly consults with her male partner just for the sake of maintaining the stability of his ego; the male, foolishly, performs the folly of downplaying his true value in the union and actually does more to diminish the respect previously received by his mate. The ultimate initial step in the beginnings of demise in a relationship. When a woman loses her sense of grandeur for her mate, she will consider other options. Period. That heroic air with which so many use to gently gloss their reality will steadily fade. When the male performs acts to preset himself in a manner so as to give the appearance of the pathetic, attention needing weakling, he only expediates that process. The whole weighing in and valuing has to be genuine, and not some compulsory process.

    The truth is, there is no magical, secret formula to making a man (or woman for that matter) feel needed. The only thing that will consistently prevail is true love itself. Make him feel needed and wanted by showing him how needed and wanted he actually is. Be the ravenous, animalistic glamazon that seeks to have every pore absorbed in his fluids. Consultation and communication should be desired and bi-lateral. Not a go-to tool in your "box-o-make-man-happy" stuff. But of course above all, being honest and genuine will be the only things to make any efforts truly effective.