RELATIONSHIPS: ARE WE REALLY THIS CONFUSED?

From the looks of things, there seems to be an awful lot of confused women out here.  We seek advice from friendsand search the internet for forums that speak to our dilemmas.  Everywhere we turn, there is an outlet freely dispensing advice to the baffled and befuddled.  And then there are all the relationship experts who promise that if we will just buy a book, they will tell us how men reallythink, teach us how to date like pros, and how to attract the love we want.   It appears as if everyone has the answers to our problems but us.  Why do we need so much help? And when did we get to be so confused?

Recently, while reading a relationship advice column that is featured in a popular online magazine, I stopped in the middle of perusing the letter of the week and immediatelysent the link to my best friend.  For a brief moment, I felt like Jerry Springer.  “WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE PEOPLE?” I wrote in the subject line of the e-mail. I just couldn’t understand how a woman past the age of 50 could be so confused about how to proceed in a relationship with a 58-year-old “boyfriend” who still liveswith his mother and refuses to marry her.  “Help!” she wrote.  

My take on it? She didn’t need to write a letter seeking advice, because she already knew what to do.  It seemed that all she really wanted was to vent her frustrations.  She talked about his controlling mother and how his sistersconstantly tried to sabotage the relationship; they didn’t have a man, nor had she ever seen them with one, she wrote.  Her boyfriend, as she was quick to point out, was agood man, so it couldn’t be about him. And certainly, it had nothing to do with her.  No, not her.  She was not to blame.  She was just a woman in love trying to make it all workwhile fighting against a constant onslaught of negativity.  And she was tired.  Tired and confused, it seemed.  

In relationships, “I’m confused” is often code for “I don’t want to make a decision about this right now”, and in order to avoid making a decision, we sidestep the real issues or seek to ascribe blame to others when the blissfulrelationship we are attempting to cultivate doesn’t quite match the story we have created in our minds.  We claimthat perhaps we are making too much of things; being too quick to judge, or not patient enough. We make comparisons and tell ourselves that things could be worse.Or best of all, we feign confusion and act like we don’t know what to do.  

Somewhere, somehow, we’ve come to believe that being confused absolves us of taking responsibility for the choices we make and we settle for playing the victim in our very own made for TV dramas; seeking approval and support from others to maintain relationships that we know will ultimately not serve us.  But we are grown women.  We don’t need anyone’s approval.  And if our choice just happens to be a 58-year-old who lives with mommy and refuses to marry us, then so be it.   All we need to do is choose, and then take responsibility for all that comesalong with the choices we make. The question is not so much, “What should I do?” as it is, “Is this what I want for myself?” That’s it.  And if the answer is “no”, we know that we have some work to do.  

Navigating relationships can get a little tricky and sometimes we really do need advice or a good sounding board.  But the more we practice taking responsibility forthe choices we make in our relationships, the clearer things will become.  We are stronger, wiser, and far more intuitive than we give ourselves credit for.  We don’t need to walk around in confusion.   We need only to trust in ourselves.    

-Angie G.

SOMETIMES, IT ISN’T ENOUGH TO HEAR THAT WE ARE ENOUGH

More often than not, we look at love as being some huge prize reserved for those of us who are good enough to deserve it.  We have to be lucky enough, pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, patient enough and kind enough.  As a result, we spend an awful lot of time attempting to master those things we assume will get us that prize.  

But eventually something happens.  Some of us begin to notice that we aren’t winning.   We assume that somewhere, somehow, something went wrong.  We go back over our list and check off all the things we’ve done to better prepare ourselves for the competition, and come to the conclusion that we haven’t done enough.  So, we up our game.  We read more books, attend more classes, diet more, exercise more, and find new ways to improve our appearance.  And in the midst of it all, are the firm declarations that we are only doing it for ourselves, not because we believe that if we get “better”, we will finally be good enough to love.  But sometimes, just sometimes, that’s a lie.

It’s a lie we tell ourselves because we have learned to mask our fears.  We have learned that strong women know their own worth and don’t need validation from others.  But there is a deeper truth behind that story; and that is we often do want the validation.  We want to be recognized.  We want to be acknowledged and we want to be chosen.  We want to be good enough to love.  But we can’t say that.  We don’t want to look like we care that much.  We don’t want to appear weak or needy, because being weak is for losers.  We want to win.  And when we do, we want to accept our prize showing the world that we were always confident in our ability to have it.  Now, that is not to say that every good thing we do for ourselves is to get love and approval from men or from anyone else, for that matter.  What I am saying is that if we are honest, we would admit that a lot of what we do actually is.

Although there are many who would proudly proclaim that they don’t need or even want the validation, there is still that quiet whisper of those who are not quite so convinced.  And they are ashamed; ashamed of their desire to be loved or of their fear of not being good enough.  So, let’s start having more real conversations-not just the ones where we tell one another how great and powerful and worthy we are.  While we are all of those things, there are times when we are also afraid and unsure and vulnerable.  And it is during these times that we should be able to simply say, without judgment, “Sometimes, I feel like I’m just not good enough.”  We don’t need to hear how smart or pretty or talented we are and we don’t need to hear what we could do to make ourselves better.  We only need to hear, “I know how that feels.” 

- Angie G.



LOVING FEARLESSLY

The word “fear” has come up a lot recently during conversations I’ve had about relationships. Everybody seems to have a story about it. We fear getting hurt. We fear being trapped. We fear choosing the wrong mate. And many of us fear that we will never find someone. With all the talk about fear, I started to wonder how we got so comfortable using that word to describe our feelings about relationships. Then it occurred to me, we really are fearful.

Gone are the days when believed that we would find our perfect love-that person who would cherish and care deeply for us. We have come to see love as a rare find that can only come to us if we are lucky or good or have learned how to correctly play the game. We have become jaded. We have become grown women who have seen enough to know that often, the pursuit of love does not have the fairytale ending we once dreamed of. So, we temper our expectations with just enough skepticism to show ourselves and the world that we get it. We aren’t looking for a fairytale. We want something real; and because we are so focused on being real, we have forgotten what it looks like to be shameless about our dreams of having that love that is perfect for us. We have forgotten what it looks like to be naive and eternally hopeful in the face of love. We have become fearful of being judged or ridiculed for wanting too much.

As we focus more and more on what’s “real”, we choose to talk about our disappointments, how we have failed, and how others have failed us. We talk about limited opportunities and single girl contingency plans. We talk about finding our satisfaction outside of relationships. We talk about choosing to have a life instead of chasing a relationship. And when we are being particularly generous with ourselves, we allow ourselves to speak about that course we took to better prepare ourselves for that potential relationship, should we be so lucky to ever find it. But love is not something that is out there for us to find or to “get right.” And, it is not something that can be won or lost. Love just is.

So what would it look like if we allowed ourselves to truly believe that we don’t ever have to find love, because we are constantly surrounded and embraced by it? To know that there is nothing we could ever do that could separate us from it, and that we can never lose it or get it wrong? And finally, what would it look like if we chose to change our conversation and began to speak positively about love? We can start today by letting go of the fear that we won’t have it and we can boldly speak the desire of our heart into existence. Today, we can choose to love fearlessly.

-Angie G.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IN AN “OPEN” RELATIONSHIP?

What do I believe?  How did I come to believe what it is that I believe?  Does what I believe empower me?  At some point, most of us have considered the first question, but have never stopped to ask ourselves the second or the third.  Perhaps we should. 

You see, when it comes down to it, the fact is that most of our beliefs have been established based on what others have taught us. The rest?  Well, the rest is a hodge-podge of conclusions that we’ve arrived at based on life experience; some good, some bad.  There are some beliefs that are so deeply ingrained in us that we are willing to fight, or even die for them.  Others, while they may not be as sacred, are still familiar.  They are what we know to be “true”, but what should we do when our “truth” does not serve us?

Recently, I found myself sitting in casual observation of all the brouhaha surrounding Jada Pinkett Smith and the allegations that she shares an open marriage with her husband, actor Will Smith. Whether open or closed, I had formed no real opinion about their relationship.  It was none of my business and therefore required no debate, argument, or editorial on my part.  At least that was how I felt up until Jada released a statement in response to the uproar.  Then, I sat up and took notice.

"Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should 'behave'? Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of 'you better act right or else' keep one honest and true?...”

Jada continues-

"Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE...for us???"

When I read Jada’s statement, I felt a strong urge to rise to my feet and give her a standing ovation. It was out there.  She said it-the thing that most of us don’t want to acknowledge.  And I give her credit for being wise enough to recognize and speak the truth: believing that we can somehow control, threaten or guilt someone into honesty or fidelity is a delusion.  In fact, believing that we should have to says even more about us than it does about the person that we are involved with.  Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own choices and we must allow others the freedom to do the same.   And within that context, it really doesn’t matter how we choose to define our relationship.  What matters is the quality of our experience.  What matters is whether or not we are in a relationship that honors us.

Now, I’m sure that there are many who do not agree with Jada’s views on marriage or how she chooses to define her relationship (hence all the tongue-wagging).  What do I believe?  I believe that marriage is just like everything else in life-meant to show us who we are, not to create a false sense of security for ourselves.  I believe that if we are in a relationship where we cannot trust ourselves and our partner enough to love freely and openly, then we are out of place.  I believe that relationships help to expose all of our little insecurities so that we might be healed, not for us to make our partner responsible for managing our anxieties. 

In the end, what each of us believes about marriage and relationships is a personal choice.  If our beliefs empower us and allow us to grow, then we are in integrity with ourselves.  But if they do not, we should find the courage to change them.  So, what do you believe?

-Angie G. 

WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN TO HAVE IT ALL?

A single friend of mine recently shared an experience in which a well-meaning sister friend and a family member barraged her with questions about getting married and having children.  One is married, and both are new moms, so I suppose they felt that it was their duty to stage an intervention in order to save her from a bleak future of spinsterhood.  They went all in- telling her that it’s time for her to make a move and that she’s getting older and she’s going to regret not getting married and having children. Blah, blah, blah.  Although she was able to handle this conversation with grace, she was actually a bit confused by the sudden barrage of questions and accusations cleverly disguised as concern.   She had never expressed dissatisfaction with her personal life, so she was more than a bit curious as to why they would want her to feel anxious and fearful about her choices.   Something just didn’t feel right.  This wasn’t about love or sisterhood.  This was clearly about something else.

It’s always been a theory of mine that it’s best to be wary of those who insist that you join their club (whatever that club might be).  As the saying goes, “there is safety in numbers” and many seek to increase membership in order to increase their own comfort.  They want their choices to be affirmed.  They want to be “right.”

And what is that they want to be right about?  In this case, it is the story that in order for a woman to have it all, she must have a husband and/or children and without them, something is missing.  But is that really so?  The truth is that many of us have never given any real thought to it.  We have simply accepted it as fact.  And although we may create wonderful and fulfilling lives for ourselves, there is still the underlying belief that our single life is simply the “make do” stage or a prerequisite to the life we really want live.

Holding this belief as being absolutely true has caused many of us to pursue a path in life that does not honor us.  Particularly as it relates to marriage and family, many of us are more enthralled with the idea of it than we actually are with the reality.   We strive to get there, lest we be left on the sidelines feeling like the little kid who was chosen last for the kickball team.  But once we join the game, we might just realize that it isn’t necessarily the one that we want to play.

Of course, some of us are very clear about what we want.  Marriage and family might be a deliberate choice for us and not a decision based on what others think we “should” do.   But, there are some us who could really benefit from being more honest; honest about what really brings us joy, what really makes us feel good, and how we really imagine our lives to be if we could be bold enough to live in our own truths.  We might be surprised at what we discover-that there are many possibilities for a life well-lived, and that there is more than one way for a woman to have it all.

“What’s left for you to do with your life?” they asked my friend.  Her response made me smile. “I see myself onstage speaking and motivating women.  I see myself in the company of a man that I enjoy.  I see my life as being full and happy.”

Well, that sounds good to me.

- Angie G.

RELATIONSHIPS: DO WE KNOW WHEN IT'S REAL?

What’s all of this talk about “real” relationships?  As women, we tend to spend a great deal of time on this subject.  We measure potential mates against the standard of what we have determined a real relationship to be, and we are quick to express our frustration at the fact that there seems to be a shortage of potential suitors that meet our qualifications.  Most of us are certain that we know what a real relationship is, but do we really?  We might be a little confused. Or slightly misguided, maybe.

Perhaps our biggest error is buying into the notion that such a thing actually exists.  For the most part, our perception of what constitutes a “real” relationship is determined by some arbitrary list of standards that generally includes, at a minimum, “quality”, intention, reciprocity, stability and feelings of unconditional love and emotional security.  But what if those things, when they show up, are merely by-products of, and not the purpose of the relationship?  And what if that seemingly pervasive sense of frustration that we are experiencing on the relationship front isn’t really about the so-called quality of the people we meet, the much talked about shortage of “good” men, or even the result of a bad economy?  What if the issue isn’t about anything external to us?  What if our frustration is solely a result of our own unmanaged expectations and belief in fairytales? 

I am not suggesting that we should not desire kindness, support, consideration and warm, fuzzy feelings from our relationships, but when we focus only on the by-products, we miss the purpose.  Somewhere, somehow, many of us got lost in the story that a “real” relationship, as we have come to define it, is not only a goal, but a requirement.   Anything less is considered to be settling; and we may even sexy that up by calling it “compromise.”  But whatever we choose to call it, there appears to be an underlying belief that we are missing out on something that we are entitled to.  It is that belief that prevents us from taking our relationship experiences as they come and limits our ability to learn and grow from them.

The simple truth is that ALL relationships are “real” relationships.  And all relationships, whether we determine them to be good or bad, provide an opportunity for us to be greater.  They provide insight into our very being and are merely the mirrors that reflect on us our own majesty, as well as our own fears and insecurities.   Our relationships can be no better or worse that who we are choosing to be at any given time.  You can’t get any more real than that.

-Angie G.

SOME THOUGHTS AS WE ENTER THE NEW YEAR….

Once again, the start of a brand new year has come upon us.  As we enter into new possibilities, may we all be reminded that we have the ability to be, do, and have anything that we want; that there are no mistakes, only lessons; and that the love and happiness we seek is already within our grasp.  It’s easy to make resolutions and renew our commitments.  It’s a little harder for us to just BE and know that we are loved, perfect, and abundant- just as we are.

During 2012, we all grew some, laughed some (a LOT, I hope!), shed some tears, and came to some new realizations.  We reached some of our goals, gained some victories, and also came to more clearly define the things we want to have in the future.  All in all, we have truly been blessed!  

As we begin 2013, my prayer is that we continue to grow and find the space within ourselves to know, beyond all doubt, that there is nothing more that we need to do in order to be complete.  We don’t need a new exercise plan, more money, a better job, a new car or a bigger house.  All we need is a willingness to allow ourselves to feel good and to be at peace in the present moment.   All we need is gratitude for all that we have, and all that we have had the pleasure to be and to experience.  That is the starting point from which all other things will flow into our existence. 

Happy New Year, to all!

With love,

Angie G.

THE FORMULA FOR SUCCESS: IT'S A "BE" THING

From an early age, many of us are taught that there is a formula for success; a carefully measured plan that enables us to win at the game of life. Those who follow the formula are the winners.  Those who don’t?  Well, those are the losers.   And as children/young adults, we are taught what it means to win.  We are taught to get the best grades, attend the right college, obtain the right degree, and follow the right career path.  Of course, we are told that we can be whatever we want to be, but the goal is always to succeed.  And we learn that success is primarily measured by how well we are doing compared to others; and so the size of our paycheck, our office, our cars, and our home becomes the gauge for determining how far ahead we are in the race.

Having worked for many years to be a winner, I am proud to say that I am no longer on the road to success.  Not because I have reached the highest heights in my career.  And not because I see myself as a loser and chose to give up.  At a certain point, I stopped and asked myself, “Why?” Because I asked that one simple question, I was finally able to see life clearly.  I no longer see through the lens of “what it takes to make it.”  What I now see is something that I wish someone had shared with me many years ago: “making it” is a story.  And not only is it a story, it’s a bad one at that. 

Many of us invest so much time in the pursuit of “making it” that we fail to stop and think about exactly what it is that we are going after.  All we know is that we are supposed to want it, and we just assume that once we finally get it, we will be good.  But some of us wake up one day and wonder what happened.  We wonder why we are not satisfied with the life we have worked so hard to build for ourselves.  And then we realize that it really isn’t our life.  We realize that it is the life that we were led to believe that we should want.

Just like everyone else, I could very easily justify and rationalize every choice that I’ve made.  After all, I learned very early on that there is a “right” way to do things and I made choices that I believed were the best for me according to those standards.  But at a certain point, like so many others, I began to feel disempowered and defeated.   I realized that I had not really been calling the shots in my own life.  I had allowed my parents, teachers, and mentors to be in control.  None of them meant harm, I know.  They had only passed along the formula that they had been given-a formula that didn’t include personal satisfaction or fulfillment. I suppose that we somehow believe that those things will automatically show up. And while we are all familiar with clichés like, “Success is nothing without someone to share it with” or “Money can’t buy happiness”, they mostly fall on deaf ears.  We choose to believe that the casualties of success are a result of the misapplication of the formula and a failure to seek balance.  But that won’t happen to us.  We will be the ones to get it right.

Yes, it is true that some of us have been rewarded for our diligence in using the formula.  Our names can be found on that sign on the door.  We might have the money, the car, the house, and maybe even the “perfect on paper” husband.  But for far too many of us, there is something missing.  We don’t feel the sense of joy and peace, and well….happiness that we always thought we would have once we achieved all that we thought that we should.

Once I was broken open, I finally learned that the true formula for success is having the ability to recognize the special and unique gifts that come from our own souls; nurturing those gifts, and having the courage to share those gifts with the world.  I now know that true success is measured by who we BE, not by what we have and certainly not by what we do; unless what we choose to do is done with joy.  

-Angie G.

THE HIDDEN COST OF HUMILITY

Humble adj: 1: not proud or haughty: not arrogant or assertive 2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission 3: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale: INSIGNIFICANT, UNPRETENTIOUS

Humble vb: 1: to make humble 2: to destroy the power, independence, or prestige of

I have to be honest. I’ve never looked up the word “humble” in a dictionary. Like many of us, I learned from my parents and other adults what it meant. I learned that it was a bad thing to be too proud or too confident or too sure of myself; that it was okay for others to compliment or praise me, but never was I to act as if I thought I really deserved it. That would just be arrogant and well…wrong. But lately, I’ve pondered the true meaning of the word and whether or not our obsession with others seeing us as being humble has done us more harm than good. I wondered if we’ve been getting it all wrong.

So I decided to look to look the word up, and as I came across “humble” in the dictionary, I was struck dumb. One definition in particular jumped off the page and smacked me across the face; “to destroy the power, independence, or prestige of.” There it was in black and white. Seeing those words before words before me, I finally understood.

Like most, my parents wanted to ensure that I would not grow up to be haughty or pretentious. Their intention was to raise me to be a “good” person, and it became clear to me early on that it was not acceptable for me to think or act like I was “something.” But, if I wasn’t supposed to act like “something”, what was the alternative? As I observed the adults around me, looking for clues as to how I should behave, I began to see how important it was for everyone to ACT humble. I picked up all the little expressions, mannerisms and sayings that were meant to convey my humility to others, and I learned that it was not important enough for me to BE humble. In order for it to be “real”, others had to see it and from what I could gather at that time, that meant that I was expected to play myself down. And if I didn’t, I would be brought down. I would be “destroyed.” Like any good girl, I played by the rules but I couldn’t reconcile the concept that in order to be “good”, or “nice” as others thought I should be, I would be required to diminish the self that I knew, as all children know, myself to be: a shiny and bright light, the fullness of which was meant to be shared with the world.

And as I look around, I see so many of us, even in our adulthood, struggling to shine- to be proud of ourselves, to be noticed, and to be adored. But we have suppressed the bright light of our authentic power and have instead settled for flimsy representations of our extraordinary selves. We wear the “right” labels, drive the “right” cars, have obtained the “right” degrees, know the “right” people, and belong to the “right” organizations. We yearn to be great, but allow ourselves to be buried by the stuff; forgetting that there is nothing that we could buy, wear, or have that could ever outshine who we really are.

In our desire to ACT humble, we have concealed our own natural, beaming light. We have become reluctant, embarrassed, or even ashamed to share what’s truly good about us for fear that we will be criticized or judged for thinking too highly of ourselves. We have camouflaged our brilliance. We have become “humble”, but at what cost?

-Angie G.

SUPERWOMAN IS DEAD......AND HER FUNERAL WAS FABULOUS!

As we grow older, we find ourselves pulled in many different directions.  There are the children, the spouse, the career, the side interests, and somewhere in the mix, there we are.  We just don’t have time for all of the “extras” anymore.  It is a sentiment echoed a lot lately by many of my friends.  A sentiment summed up in two words:  I can’t.

And what we can’t seem to do anymore is spend an inordinate amount of time catering to the whims and drama of others.  Now, it just seems like a lot of unnecessary nonsense.  Besides, we’ve got our own business to tend to.   When we were younger, we were far more likely to engage in all manner of tomfoolery; we tolerated so-called friends who really weren’t friends at all, we came to the rescue of those wayward siblings who always seemed to make it a point to find trouble, and we sacrificed for those boyfriends who really weren’t worth our time.  Granted, some stuff was serious and real, but it all seemed so crucial and necessary then.  And although the words were never spoken, we assumed that there would eventually be a return on our “good deeds” investment.  

But something changed.  We got older and we realized that it was no longer worth it.  We began to realize that all of the extra time and energy it takes to cater to others was no longer worth the extra time and energy.  Along with that realization, something else happened (well at least to some of us).  Some major event occurred in our lives and the very people that we put so much energy into were not around.   For many of us, our initial reaction was hurt or anger.  It just wasn’t fair.  We cried and complained because we had given generously and often, presumably with no expectation of recompense or reward, but the ONE time we found ourselves in need, we were left abandoned on the side of the road.  In our story, we had been used and so we vowed to shut it all down-at least for a while.  Because of course, they needed to know.  They needed to be taught a lesson.  They had mistaken our kindness for weakness.

Then came the pushback.  The pushback from all the folks that we had seemingly made dependent on our good deeds. They couldn’t understand our new attitude.  Our anger surprised them.  After all, nothing had changed for them, except maybe our newly found resistance to making ourselves available to them.  Some even went so far as to get mad and tell us that we were trippin’.  Now ain’t that something?  The nerve.  The nerve and the unmitigated gall. 

But in the midst of it all, we lost sight of the real issue.  And that is the fact that we had elected, appointed and nominated ourselves to be “Superwoman.”  We had freely signed up to be everyone’s go-to girl.  We got to be the one with all the answers.  We got to be the strong one; the level headed one, the mature one.  Some of us might argue that we didn’t choose it and that all of that greatness and responsibility had been thrust upon us.  But that isn’t true.  Despite our protestations and justifications as to why we took on the role, the fact remains that we did indeed choose it.  Something about it made us feel important or special.  We could at least be honest about that.  And for me, along with that honesty, came the understanding that my choice to give does not in any way create an obligation for those I have chosen to give to. 

Like every other real, grown-up woman dealing with life’s issues, I still have moments when it gets to be too much.  But nowadays, whenever I start feeling overwhelmed and  find myself feeling resentment towards the “takers”, I think of what my best friend told me many years ago...…“When God was going around the room asking who wanted to be responsible, didn’t nobody tell you to raise your hand”…and I laugh.

-Angie G.

RELATIONSHIP CHECKLISTS: RECIPES FOR LOVE OR LONELINESS?

We are so proud of ourselves.  We have gone through enough and have had enough experience to know what we want. We have determined our type; the physical attributes, the personality, and even the financial status.  We have set high standards, but we also know those things that we are willing to negotiate on.  We also know the deal breakers.  In other words, most of us have written a relationship story for ourselves.  And in that story, people will either be a match, or they won’t.  And that’s cool for those of us who are willing to leave it at that.  Some of us aren’t so willing.  We’ve got a plan.

We take our relationship checklists out into the world, projecting them onto everyone that we meet.  We know what we deserve and we are gonna make damn sure we get it, but in doing so, we often set ourselves up for failure.   And when we don’t get what we want from these forced and sometimes fabricated relationships, we can become angry and resentful.  We tell ourselves that somebody else is at fault.  We tell ourselves that their choice to become involved with us means that they, at some point, agreed to the arbitrary terms of some imaginary agreement.  In our story, they willingly entered into a relationship contract and are responsible for the damages that we perceive they have caused.  We are quick to judge and talk about responsibility, but only as it applies to everyone but ourselves.  They need to stand up and they need to be held accountable for what they do, or don’t do, to and for us.  And so, we tell ourselves another story: our being dissatisfied with the quality of our relationships is a result of somebody else’s inability to behave in ways that benefit us.

It isn’t often that we hold ourselves accountable for the choices that we make.  We think that in expressing our wants and needs upfront, we have done our part and performed our due diligence.  What we don’t like to admit, however, is that we sometimes ignore some very obvious realities in our efforts to live into the relationship story we have created for ourselves.  We forget that we don’t have to diminish our own personal power by controlling others in order to get the results that we want.

We don’t have to give up our stories; our lives are meant to be designed as we would like them to be.  But, knowing what we want in a relationship doesn’t mean that we have to demand, manipulate or cajole others into being our perfect mate.  All we really need to do is be clear about what does and doesn’t work for us, and then be willing to live in the confidence and clarity that comes with knowing that we are ultimately responsible for the choices that we make.

-Angie G.

TELL YOUR EGO TO GET ITS OWN FACEBOOK PAGE

Some folks need to stay off Facebook-at least for a while. A brief vacation, maybe. It seems like some of us may have gotten a little beside ourselves and need to take some time off to reflect on where we have been and where it is that we want to go. And I almost hate to say it, but it seems as if the more “enlightened” of us are the ones who most need the break. I think that you might know the type that I’m talking about-the ones who start off sharing their good thoughts and positive messages with the world, but then develop some weird kind of attachment to how those messages are received. The ones who begin to run amuck and become slightly, if not completely obnoxious when they perceive that others are not responding to them in the way that they think they should. After all, they are only attempting to share good news. And we should appreciate them for their efforts.

It’s ego on steroids. It’s the rejection of ego followed by a breakdown-complete identification with ego. I have to admit that I am at times completely disturbed by it. Maybe that’s because it reminds me of just how strong this ego thing is; and just how vulnerable we all are to its machinations. The very thing that so many of us are seeking to minimize can pop up with a vengeance so strong that it can take even the most benign belief or perspective and manufacture it into a personality that we adopt in an effort to assert ourselves as morally, spiritually or even intellectually superior to others.

It’s always right there lurking and waiting for an opportunity to judge and criticize; to play the victim and be the aggressor; to compete and win at any cost. And the ego just loves social media. Left free to roam, it jumps all up on Twitter and Facebook for the sole purpose of being clever and letting everybody know just how much it knows. It seeks constant validation through positive comments and “likes”, using social media as a stage on which it can perform to the applause of thousands of adoring fans. It can be self-righteous and aggressive or self-deprecating and seeking support/pity. That ego ain’t nothing nice and it will not be ignored. It’s got something to say, and you are most definitely going to hear it.

It has a legion of personalities and disguises. So many in fact, at times it’s hard to keep up with them all. I have witnessed even the most “positive” people engage in all types of questionable shenanigans and tomfoolery because of its warped perception that it has been insulted or offended, that its authority has been challenged or its brilliance denied.

So who is really doing the talking? Is it us, or is it the ego? And who is it that we really want people to know? Because of social media, we have unprecedented access to people all over the world and the ability to freely communicate our thoughts and ideas. This can work to our betterment or to our detriment and as always, we get to choose which one we want it to be. In the future, before we post or make a comment, we might want to consider asking ourselves the question, “why am I really doing this?” The answer just might surprise us.


-Angie G.

PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!

How do we bridge the so-called divide between men and women? How do we create understanding? How do we heal our relationship wounds? How do we get back to…..LOVE?

Like other women, I have often asked myself these questions. I have also participated in endless discussions on this very topic. I have chimed in, weighed in, and boldly stated my opinion about what we “should” do in order to come to some sort of resolution. But after many years and countless hours of discussion, it finally occurred to me that “we” don’t need to do a doggone thing. And as a result, I am now choosing to sit down, shut up and mind my own business. No, I am not frustrated. I am not bitter. And, I am not giving up. For the first time, I have realized that all that talking might just be problem.

On a purely superficial level, it is very easy to talk about what’s going on in society. It’s also easy to point out the flaws, talk about the breakdowns in communication, rail against the false perceptions, and complain about what we consider to be the questionable actions of the opposite sex. It’s very easy to say how much better things would be if “everybody” would just do (or stop doing) one thing or another. What isn’t so easy? Turning that laser-like focus on ourselves and determining exactly what it is that we can do as individuals to improve the quality of our own personal relationships. It isn’t so easy when it comes to talking about what we can do to heal ourselves.

It is often said that charity begins at home; and knowing this, it doesn’t really make sense to pipe up about the work that needs to be done if we are unwilling to commit ourselves to doing the work. In other words, maybe our role in healing the seemingly compromised state of male-female relationships is to actually BE the change we wish to see in others. Instead of waiting for the “we” or the “them” to get on board so that we can turn this thing around, we might want to start with the “I.” In doing so, we just might begin to see the positive shift that we all want so badly to come about.

When it comes to relationships, we all know that a healthy discussion can help shed light on some of the challenges that we face with one another. There’s no denying that. But what about getting to work on those things within us that we know have caused damage to ourselves and others? It might be time to for us to stop talking so much and start doing. As for me, I’m gonna spend a little more time focusing on the “I” part of “we.”

-Angie G.

SIT DOWN!

I think we all know somebody who is always up to something; always with a scheme or a plan or some kind of hustle. They work really hard at working really hard, yet they never seem to get anywhere. Oddly enough, they rarely stop to ask themselves why. And when they do? They assume that they aren’t doing enough or that they are doing the “wrong” thing, so they change direction and throw their energy into yet another venture. Always on the move. Always looking for a way to make it happen.

As much as I admire enthusiasm and drive, I am exhausted just by watching these folks in action. Doing way too much, with no real commitment to anything except winning or coming out on top. Their energy is not one of adventure and a willingness to try new things-purely for the fun of it all. They aren’t simply experimenting or trying to find the career that best suits them. There is no joy in the work that they do. Their sole focus is on “being successful” and their energy reflects just that-forced, desperate and demanding. They are willing to try just about anything, except maybe the one thing that might actually get them to goal: sitting down.

I get it, though. From an early age, many of us are taught that we have to pick a career and work as hard as we can in order to make it to the top. So we get caught in an endless cycle of doing, doing, doing. Anything less is for deadbeats and loafers. And if we don’t go the traditional route- the “right” college, the “right” degree, the “right” social organizations, and the “right” jobs, we take our hustler spirit and apply it to whatever plan we create to make our mark on the world. But some of us take it a step further. We look around, compare ourselves to others, and if we feel less successful or less accomplished, we kick our ambition into overdrive. We have to make it. We have to win. We have to succeed. By any means necessary. For others, it isn’t about the competition. It’s about fear; the fear of failing or not having enough that is the motivation. Some might argue that it doesn’t matter what motivates us or how we make it, as long as we make it. I can’t say that I agree with that, but to each his own. Good luck and let me know.

There is nothing wrong with wanting success, but if our desire to be successful is motivated solely by fear or competition, is it really worth it? Perhaps it’s time for us to reevaluate what it means to be successful and what it takes to get there. Maybe the perfect plan for us is not the one that is conjured or forced, but the one that unfolds naturally when we are willing to sit down, if only for a moment, and listen to what’s in our hearts. What’s in your heart?

-Angie G.

TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS-KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO

As we grow, some longstanding friendships will fall by the wayside. When they do, many of us feel the familiar guilt that comes along with the story that we have somehow “abandoned” our friends; even when we know that these relationships no longer serve us-the “us” that we have become and are becoming. And so, we find ourselves stuck in the “how do I end this relationship?” quagmire; so completely over it, yet feeling some strange sort of obligation to hang on in there. Now, I’m not talking petty differences or throwing away perfectly good friendships over a simple misunderstanding. I’m talking about the relationships that drain us emotionally, mentally and physically (and sometimes financially!); the friends who leave us feeling diminished whenever we are in their presence.

Now I’m just as guilty as the next girl when it comes to this, but after a recent conversation with a close friend about this very subject, I realized that there comes a time when we all have to man or woman up. Nobody ever said that every friendship is meant to last forever. The energy that we bring to these stagnant and sometimes toxic relationships is heavy and uncomfortable at best, and extremely strained at worst. So, why do we choose to torture ourselves? Out of loyalty? Because we are good people? Or is it because we are holding on to memories of a time that has long since passed? Then again, it could just be that we are more concerned with how other people will judge us for walking away than we are with our own comfort and well-being.

At a certain age, we are very clear about our likes and dislikes. We know exactly who and what works for us; and when we know, we owe it to ourselves to honor that. When the quality of our relationship with ourselves improves, so does the quality of the relationships that we choose to have with others. And on our journey towards better defining the types of relationships we wish to have, sometimes the best thing for us to do is to lovingly say, “Goodbye” to those who no longer fit.

Admittedly, I have never been one to have a lot of “friends.” But now more than ever, as I go through my own process of weeding out relationships that no longer fit, I cherish that small number of people in my inner circle. Those beautiful women (and men!) who inspire me; who lift me up, but who are also willing to shut me down; who love me at my most unlovable, and always see me as being the wonderful possibility that I am; who don’t need labels or grand gestures or pretense; who seek to enhance, and not diminish, every life they touch. My intention is to be and do the same.

-Angie G.

VALENTINE'S DAY-WAS IT ALL JUST A SHOW?

Valentine’s Day is known as a time to express love, show appreciation, and celebrate relationships. But for many, it is merely another opportunity to put on an act-an elaborate production designed to show the world that we have been chosen and that we are worthy of love. Along with the production comes the familiar pressure to receive some grand token of affection, and often, we believe that display must be made publicly to have real meaning. Somehow, the story of the “what” and the “how” becomes bigger than the intention behind the gesture. It is a story that must be shared. It is a story about how much our partner loves us.

And, in our effort to prove to our friends and family how much we are adored, we lose focus. Valentine’s Day becomes less about an intimate expression of love and more about the show. But it isn’t about the roses vs. lilies, really. It isn’t about the diamond earrings vs. the diamond engagement ring. It’s about how we interpret what those things mean to us; and in that interpretation, we might just be missing the point.

As we look back on Valentine’s Day, was it all just a show? It could very well be that our expectations for the day were based on fear; fear of how others, even ourselves, would perceive the level of love and commitment in our relationships. But when we really know where we stand in our relationships, there is nothing to show. There is nothing to prove.

-Angie G.

NEW YEAR,"NEW" YOU

It’s a New Year and once again, I’m already tired of hearing all the chatter about resolutions. I just can’t help it. I tend to cringe when I hear folks talk about their resolutions as if having one (or more) is some kind of obligation- as if the act of making a resolution, in and of itself, is something that we should do to prove that we mean business. We are finally going to lose that extra 10 pounds, get in shape, start that new project, or leave that funky job that we always hated. We believe that if we are strong enough or committed enough to take on the challenge, we will miraculously shed (literally and figuratively) all those conditions that we perceive as standing between us and our happiness.

But the truth is that happiness is always a choice, and we have an opportunity to make that choice in each moment of every day. We don’t have to change or improve anything about ourselves in order to feel good and experience happiness. All we need is a little gratitude for all that we have been able to accomplish and the many blessings we already enjoy (for starters, how about having breath in our lungs!?!) to get that good energy going and to create fertile ground for more happiness to grow.

As ever-evolving people, it is only natural for us to want more, seek an improved condition, or look for opportunities to experience joy. However, when we are seeking to change because we believe that who or what we are in this moment is not good enough, we are not creating our lives from our highest possible perspective.

So, instead of picking apart all that is “wrong” and seeking to change those things, let’s begin this new year by asking ourselves the question, “Who and what do I ultimately want to become?” This helps us to create a vision of what we DO want, not what we DON’T want; and having clarity about that distinction goes a long way in helping us to achieve our goals. No resolution required.

-Written by Angie G

"IT DOESN’T MATTER AND IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER"-WHY IT MATTERS

There’s so much talk about Spirituality nowadays. There are the books, the blogs, the forums, and seminars, and then there are the informal discussions among friends. Having had quite a few conversations on the subject myself, I’ve noticed something that often leaves me feeling a bit uncomfortable. And that is how willing we are to suffer in the name of being spiritual. A suffering that comes a little close to being masochistic. Some odd form of self-torture designed to make sure that we are getting our lessons and to confirm that we are on the right path. A test that we are able to suspend all judgment. The practice of the belief that "It doesn't matter and it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter" gone awry.

Knowing that many consider spirituality to be a practice more than it is a belief, I can see how it is necessary to put action behind our beliefs. Makes sense. But often, we think that action includes intentionally putting ourselves in the line of fire so that we can prove that we are strong; and that we are letting go of the tendency to respond to people and circumstances through our egos. We allow ourselves to be subjected to stuff that just doesn’t feel good to us; mistakenly believing that if we are able to withstand the torture without judgment, we will magically learn to transcend ego. Now, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I choose not to sign up for that one. I’m just gonna have to fail that course.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that sometimes we don’t know where we stand and what we truly believe until we are tested, but that doesn’t mean that we should seek opportunities to be uncomfortable or tolerate messiness in order to know for sure that we “get it.” There is no need to suffer unnecessarily under the weight of the belief that “it doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter.” There is no need to “conquer” the ego. There is no such thing. There is only the awareness of ego. And sometimes, awareness is simply knowing what feels good or authentic to us. It’s also knowing what doesn’t feel good, honoring that knowing, and then deliberately choosing what works for us.

Ultimately, we all must take the path that we personally believe will lead to our greater good. But there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that some people and situations don’t work for us. That isn’t judgment or weakness or failure. That is growth.

-Written by Angie