SOMETIMES, IT ISN’T ENOUGH TO HEAR THAT WE ARE ENOUGH

More often than not, we look at love as being some huge prize reserved for those of us who are good enough to deserve it.  We have to be lucky enough, pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, patient enough and kind enough.  As a result, we spend an awful lot of time attempting to master those things we assume will get us that prize.  

But eventually something happens.  Some of us begin to notice that we aren’t winning.   We assume that somewhere, somehow, something went wrong.  We go back over our list and check off all the things we’ve done to better prepare ourselves for the competition, and come to the conclusion that we haven’t done enough.  So, we up our game.  We read more books, attend more classes, diet more, exercise more, and find new ways to improve our appearance.  And in the midst of it all, are the firm declarations that we are only doing it for ourselves, not because we believe that if we get “better”, we will finally be good enough to love.  But sometimes, just sometimes, that’s a lie.

It’s a lie we tell ourselves because we have learned to mask our fears.  We have learned that strong women know their own worth and don’t need validation from others.  But there is a deeper truth behind that story; and that is we often do want the validation.  We want to be recognized.  We want to be acknowledged and we want to be chosen.  We want to be good enough to love.  But we can’t say that.  We don’t want to look like we care that much.  We don’t want to appear weak or needy, because being weak is for losers.  We want to win.  And when we do, we want to accept our prize showing the world that we were always confident in our ability to have it.  Now, that is not to say that every good thing we do for ourselves is to get love and approval from men or from anyone else, for that matter.  What I am saying is that if we are honest, we would admit that a lot of what we do actually is.

Although there are many who would proudly proclaim that they don’t need or even want the validation, there is still that quiet whisper of those who are not quite so convinced.  And they are ashamed; ashamed of their desire to be loved or of their fear of not being good enough.  So, let’s start having more real conversations-not just the ones where we tell one another how great and powerful and worthy we are.  While we are all of those things, there are times when we are also afraid and unsure and vulnerable.  And it is during these times that we should be able to simply say, without judgment, “Sometimes, I feel like I’m just not good enough.”  We don’t need to hear how smart or pretty or talented we are and we don’t need to hear what we could do to make ourselves better.  We only need to hear, “I know how that feels.” 

- Angie G.



SIT DOWN!

I think we all know somebody who is always up to something; always with a scheme or a plan or some kind of hustle. They work really hard at working really hard, yet they never seem to get anywhere. Oddly enough, they rarely stop to ask themselves why. And when they do? They assume that they aren’t doing enough or that they are doing the “wrong” thing, so they change direction and throw their energy into yet another venture. Always on the move. Always looking for a way to make it happen.

As much as I admire enthusiasm and drive, I am exhausted just by watching these folks in action. Doing way too much, with no real commitment to anything except winning or coming out on top. Their energy is not one of adventure and a willingness to try new things-purely for the fun of it all. They aren’t simply experimenting or trying to find the career that best suits them. There is no joy in the work that they do. Their sole focus is on “being successful” and their energy reflects just that-forced, desperate and demanding. They are willing to try just about anything, except maybe the one thing that might actually get them to goal: sitting down.

I get it, though. From an early age, many of us are taught that we have to pick a career and work as hard as we can in order to make it to the top. So we get caught in an endless cycle of doing, doing, doing. Anything less is for deadbeats and loafers. And if we don’t go the traditional route- the “right” college, the “right” degree, the “right” social organizations, and the “right” jobs, we take our hustler spirit and apply it to whatever plan we create to make our mark on the world. But some of us take it a step further. We look around, compare ourselves to others, and if we feel less successful or less accomplished, we kick our ambition into overdrive. We have to make it. We have to win. We have to succeed. By any means necessary. For others, it isn’t about the competition. It’s about fear; the fear of failing or not having enough that is the motivation. Some might argue that it doesn’t matter what motivates us or how we make it, as long as we make it. I can’t say that I agree with that, but to each his own. Good luck and let me know.

There is nothing wrong with wanting success, but if our desire to be successful is motivated solely by fear or competition, is it really worth it? Perhaps it’s time for us to reevaluate what it means to be successful and what it takes to get there. Maybe the perfect plan for us is not the one that is conjured or forced, but the one that unfolds naturally when we are willing to sit down, if only for a moment, and listen to what’s in our hearts. What’s in your heart?

-Angie G.