Wednesday, March 7, 2012

TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS-KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO

As we grow, some longstanding friendships will fall by the wayside. When they do, many of us feel the familiar guilt that comes along with the story that we have somehow “abandoned” our friends; even when we know that these relationships no longer serve us-the “us” that we have become and are becoming. And so, we find ourselves stuck in the “how do I end this relationship?” quagmire; so completely over it, yet feeling some strange sort of obligation to hang on in there. Now, I’m not talking petty differences or throwing away perfectly good friendships over a simple misunderstanding. I’m talking about the relationships that drain us emotionally, mentally and physically (and sometimes financially!); the friends who leave us feeling diminished whenever we are in their presence.

Now I’m just as guilty as the next girl when it comes to this, but after a recent conversation with a close friend about this very subject, I realized that there comes a time when we all have to man or woman up. Nobody ever said that every friendship is meant to last forever. The energy that we bring to these stagnant and sometimes toxic relationships is heavy and uncomfortable at best, and extremely strained at worst. So, why do we choose to torture ourselves? Out of loyalty? Because we are good people? Or is it because we are holding on to memories of a time that has long since passed? Then again, it could just be that we are more concerned with how other people will judge us for walking away than we are with our own comfort and well-being.

At a certain age, we are very clear about our likes and dislikes. We know exactly who and what works for us; and when we know, we owe it to ourselves to honor that. When the quality of our relationship with ourselves improves, so does the quality of the relationships that we choose to have with others. And on our journey towards better defining the types of relationships we wish to have, sometimes the best thing for us to do is to lovingly say, “Goodbye” to those who no longer fit.

Admittedly, I have never been one to have a lot of “friends.” But now more than ever, as I go through my own process of weeding out relationships that no longer fit, I cherish that small number of people in my inner circle. Those beautiful women (and men!) who inspire me; who lift me up, but who are also willing to shut me down; who love me at my most unlovable, and always see me as being the wonderful possibility that I am; who don’t need labels or grand gestures or pretense; who seek to enhance, and not diminish, every life they touch. My intention is to be and do the same.

-Angie G.

14 comments:

  1. Bravo! :)
    As you grow on and more loving may your frequency envelope others to honor themselves, too.

    Peace

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  2. Wow....I had to say goodbye to a very good friend. In the end it turned out that she was not a friend at all. She was very jealous of my relationship with my husband and tried to destroy it. She was envious of my beautiful home that I recently lost. All the things I shared with her about my husband and I she went back and told him everything. She was a gold-digger. She was jealous of her own daughter's relationship.. She made me feel awful when she began telling everyone of my misfortune with my home. She begged for money from us when we were at our worst financially. I stopped talking to her and have not seen her for two years. Yes, sometimes I miss the friendship...but she betrayed my trust...and I could no longer trust her not to tell(my Business) to everyone...

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    1. I think that a lot of us have had a similar experience. It took me a while to figure out that tolerating so-called "friends" like these added nothing to my life. It didn't make me a "good" person. Now, my circle might be small, but it is MIGHTY! Thanks for the response, Naiyly!

      -Angie

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    2. Hi ladies if you would like to share your best friend break up stories I work for a daytime talk show and would love to hear them. Please email me at amoracasting@gmail.com and include a phone number and photo of you and your ex-friend and I will call you ASAP!

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  3. BEAUTIFULLY SPOKEN! I think everyone can relate to this...a very thought provoking read.

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    1. I agree every woman goes through this. I work with a daytime talk show and that is the reason we are doing a show without it. If you or any other women you know would like to share their best-friend breakup story with us please email a phone number where you can be reached as well as a photo of you and your ex-friend to amoracasting@gmail.com.

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  4. Beautifully stated! This is definitely something a lot of us can relate to. I know I have been there from time to time. I usually don't have much problem cutting people off, but the the feelings of loss, and the memories of the good times can make it hard. However, it is like pruning. If you don't prune the branches, the tree doesn't grow to its full potential, and I definitely want to surround myself with synergistic relationships that are balanced and loving. I too cherish my small inner circle of friends, and I am so glad you are a part of that group!!! Great post!

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    1. Thanks, Dollface! You are truly a blessing to me and an amazing woman. I am honored to be your friend. : )

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  5. I was nominated for a Liebster Blog Award, and now I am passing it on to you!!!

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  6. Thank you for this well thought out and highly mature response. I just spoke with a "friend" that in my spirit is not working towards nothing but keeping the negative outlook she has always had. Over the years, she has not seem to embrace the lessons before her and after speaking with her this morning, it has gotten on my last nerve and I think I am better off without her need for drama enabling friendships because I am not that girl.

    I try to remain straight to the point and say what is in my spirit. Thanks for helping me know I good and it's okay to pull out.

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  7. I am only 23, but I weed out almost annually. Well I have since my days in undergrad. I am a woman. I've had no trouble weeding out women, and exes, but how do you know when it's time to let go of those male friendships that never were [or almost were romantic]?

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  8. Hello, FeliA! Thanks for your question/comment. Without knowing details about the relationship(s) in question, I would have to say that I believe that it is time to let go (regardless of whether the friend is male or female, platonic or romantic) when the friendship has just become too much- exhausting, troublesome, and difficult. Now, if what you are really asking is whether or not you should let go of a friendship with a male just because it never turned into a romantic relationship, I would urge you to think about it. Does the relationship allow you to expand and grow? Does it challenge you to do and be better? Is the connection authentic? If so, why let it go just because it doesn’t look some certain kind of way? Never doubt your ability to recognize the presence of love when you see it. I sincerely hope this helps.

    -Angie G.

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