A good friend of mine was sitting at a restaurant bar enjoying a drink when a man (I’ll call him “Mike”) walked up and sat next to her. They began a friendly conversation and eventually, the topic of relationships came up. Of course, my friend had to ask, “Why is commitment so hard for men?” And that’s when Mike dropped a bombshell….
“Well, it’s obvious when a man doesn’t want to commit, even if he has been involved with a woman for a long time. But a lot of women have a problem with commitment, as well. It just looks different for them. A woman will choose to be with a guy knowing that he is not worthy of her or that he isn’t relationship material. That way, she can avoid having a real commitment and not be held accountable.”
Hmmmmmm. Maybe this guy was on to something (even if he didn’t directly answer the question!). As she shared his comments with me, we both had to admit that it wasn’t exactly the most profound thing that either of us has ever heard, but it opened the door for a great conversation. We came to the conclusion that there was a lot of truth in his statement. How many of us have gotten involved with a man knowing that he is ultimately not going to settle down and become the “ideal” mate (at least not for us)? We get to be the ones who are totally engaged and committed (at least in appearance) to making a relationship work. We get to be the long-suffering partner who makes all of the sacrifices. We get to walk away looking good when the relationship finally implodes. We get to fail and still look sexy. It’s not our fault. After all, we did try our best, didn’t we? But the million dollar question is, “If we sign up to play on a losing team, are we really trying to win?” It seems to be a little too convenient that we get to place so much of the blame on men. The fact is that if we spend our time focused on how wrong they are, we never get around to looking at ourselves.
Some may argue that we as women are all about the love and that it isn’t our fault that there are men out there who are into playing games or who are afraid to settle down with a good woman. Others will argue that we cannot help who we fall in love with and the fact that we are willing to stick it out is proof of our willingness to commit. Some will say that Mike is a typical guy looking to blame women for what we perceive to be men’s shortcomings. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what Mike’s intentions were when he made the statement. He spoke a truth that is worth examining. When we develop a pattern of becoming involved in relationships that lack commitment, how committable are we, really? We are the creators of our own experiences, and that includes relationships.
Of course, this isn’t about blame. It isn’t about giving a pass to the guys out there who make a sport of being elusive in relationships. And, it’s certainly not meant to accuse every single woman of being an undercover commitment-phobe. It’s about us being willing to take an honest look at ourselves, without feeling the need to examine someone else’s behavior. It’s about clearing our own path, coming into our own happiness, and becoming very deliberate creators of the type of relationships that we want to experience. When it comes to relationships, are our actions in alignment with what we say that we really want or are we setting ourselves up to fail? Just a little something to think about…….. Thanks, Mike.
-This post was written by Angie
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