Wednesday, October 27, 2010



During a spurt of bad PMS, I asked God why I feel as if I am spinning my wheels, as if I am striving to get somewhere but can never quite reach it. I put my head down in frustration and almost immediately I heard, “Look what you have already created. You wanted to buy a place when you changed jobs, and you did that. You wanted a new car within a year, and you did that. You wanted to move into a place surrounded by windows and trees and have outdoor spaces, and you did that. You wanted to move positions in your job and to change locations, and now you’ve done that; you even have a big office with big windows and NO ONE there! You’ve created exactly what you desired.”

And, I thought about that. In my pity, it came to me that “spinning my wheels” was more about me perpetuating my own unhappiness by not fully appreciating what I have created. I use the guise that “I am always striving to be better, to become more, I can’t get complacent…” but I came to understand in those thoughts that the only way that I will create more of what I want is to be relaxed in what I have already created.

Now “relaxed” may seem to be a curious word, why not “appreciative”, or “thankful”? Well, I am coming to realize that I have to relax my mind into accepting my successes, whatever they are right now. I have to relax my body into the belief that I can and will create more of what I want. I have to relax my emotions by recognizing that everyday is not going to feel the best and even in that, my past and present creations are not meaningless.

I said to myself this morning, “If I had my house on the hill with lots of windows and I was touring, delivering my God-given message, I wouldn’t feel like this, I’d be happy.” I had to check myself with the thought that during travel, I may miss my family, or I may find myself lonely from time-to-time. And, that’s when I realized that it’s not geography, it’s not partnership, it’s not circumstances, it is simply a matter of relaxing; at least for today. ;-)

By Alisa


  1. Oh how I can so relate to this post. I often feel like I am spinning my wheels as well. I like to call it looking to my next quick fix. Hoping that my accomplishments will help me reach the level of happiness that I think I am "suppose" to feel. One day I too realized its not what you accomplish, it is really about how you feel as a person. One day I will learn to relax because Lord knows I am so tired of beating myself up even after having accomplished many of the things on my goal list. It will change, right? LOL

  2. LOL!! How can you ask me?? I am struggling myself! But seriously, I think that one of the first steps is recognizing that it is not external and it will NEVER be external, ever. I think it is easy to fool ourselves into jumping back onto the hamster wheel after a goal has been reached because that goal has become a natural step in the progression to where we are going. In other words, somewhere along the line, reaching the goal had become normal so why would it provide some extraordinary high?

    Our challenge will be in resisting the temptation to get back on the hamster wheel and spin. At some point we've got to stop competing with ourselves and recognize that a lot of it comes down to how we feel in each moment. When we are beating ourselves up or putting ourselves down, we know we are waaaay off course and that's our signal to relax.

    Thanks for your comment Anonymous!

  3. Alisa, loving the blogs..I love to
    any-who, per our conversation via FB. I have decided to take time out from relationships. Reason being, I have come to accept I have masculine behavior. I have always been told I treat men the way men treat women. At 42 yrs old, I have taken a long look at self. I have always been good at creating "relationship chaos" as I have termed practicing to adjust my behavior. So far I have gotten down to the basics of how this personality trait came about..Per my MOM..your foremothers(Great Granny, Granny and Her)We(the women in the fam)managed our families and the household, worked and raised kids. It was as if my fore-fathers was ok with that. bring home the money and my foremothers managed it all is what I saw growing up..dominate women and somewhat passive men(help!,I am lacking terminology w/the word "passive"). Foremothers where by no means housewives..every woman worked and was very self sufficient and the men (forefathers) would say, as my men has said, "you don't need me for anything" I have often gotten speechless when this statement was made to me..saying in my head and actions, "sure in the hell don't" but I feel whole all by my self, I want you not need you. Well I am ending here this could go on on and on

  4. Anonymous...thanks for checking out the blog! I am glad you are loving it.. :)

    To your point, I definitely see the connection between the strength of the women that held it down before us, and how it has shown up in our collective personalities today. I also see how the dynamic between men and women (some people like to refer to this as "roles") was thrown off its axis when we started bringing home the bacon...I mean really, now that everything is spoken for, what is the man expected to do??

    I struggle, I struggle, I struggle with to be feminine in a way that a man feels comfortable playing out his role but still stay true to my post-feminist movement evolution. And, when I think about any one of us playing a role, I struggle even more.

    The sweet spot for me is that place where I, as a WOMAN, do not feel threatened by the perceived power that men have been "privileged" with, and when MEN open their eyes to a new way of BEing based upon all of the changes that have occurred in us women, and in them. I eagerly await a time when men are not fearful of a woman's power and instead harnesses it and helps to direct it in a way that will cause both sexes to become better at being who they are now, not who they were.

    In the meantime, it is always great for us to identify our dysfunctions and broken-down thinking along the way to healing. Thank you so much for sharing! Stay a part of our community!