Sunday, June 6, 2010

Is There Really THAT Much Power in The P*?

We read somewhere that there is not one of ‘our’ relationship problems that cannot be solved by a Black woman simply closing her legs. Humph! Could this be the magical solution? Should we just get some self-esteem and pull our panties up? Now while this may make logical sense to some, we began to mull this familiar supposition over and voila, the idea occurred to us that this widely held belief may not at all be the simple solution it appears to be, but rather a BIG part of the problem!

Inherent in this thinking is that women must be the stronger of the two sexes and therefore must be responsible for making the most discerning decisions regarding intimacy. Could this be setting women up to be the perfect scapegoats upon the demise of relationships gone intimate too soon? Are the successes and failures of our relationships a direct result of what we as women do or don’t do? Is it really ALL about our failure to wield our P* Power with authority? And what about the men?!? Well, it seems that under this scenario, they come out scot-free. They are seemingly relegated to the role of children to be rewarded or punished based upon the quality of their behavior. They are not culpable, nor do they bear any of the burden, or so they may think...

When a man engages in a sexual relationship with a woman for whom he has no serious intentions, the outcome of this “hook up” for the woman is that she often becomes emotionally invested. Even when a woman screams from the rooftop, “I’m just out to get mine!”, repeated attachment to men who have no desire to provide her with the love and attention she is really seeking can lead to a change in attitude; she becomes bitter, angry and mistrustful.

As a result, once a man gets to the age where he wants to settle down, he may find that most of the women he encounters are scorned. We have heard many of our male friends say, “Why am I paying the price for what the last man did?!?" and to that, we respond, “Why would you think that you wouldn’t?” After all, we are all suffering in our own mess, why would YOU be any different? Don’t be naïve, your choice to “do you” while ignoring the part you’ve played in mishandling your female counterparts through the years contributes to our collective pain; and at some point, you will be forced to reckon with it.

Look, it comes down to a need for both women and men to alter our thinking about this issue. For a man to hold onto the antiquated belief that “I need you to keep your legs closed in order for me to respect you and understand your worth”, demeans a man’s personal power. Implying that a woman needs to be responsible for a man's behavior is contrary to a man’s natural inclination to lead. At what point can we start to count on our Black men to have our backs, protect our hearts and keep their pants zipped until they are clear that all women are too precious to simply use and discard?


  1. the problem with that logic is ..we must all close our legs at the same time, if you close yours but sister girl next door has hers wide open, the man is gonna take himself next door....nothing is are alone, she gets a temporary physical fix and the same heartbreak you are experiencing a little later on down the road when the next chick opens her legs....

  2. Implicit in this conversation seems to be the fact that these women are looking for a deeper kind of connection than just a sexual one. Definitely, sex is a part of creating that connection. However, what steps are being taken to sort out all the other important building blocks of that kind of relationship.

    Frankly, I suspect that most people haven't the slightest idea on how to start and develop a real relationship. The best method most people have is to just hop in bed and see what happens. Either they don't know what they want, can't communicate it, or can bring it out in someone else.

    Speaking for myself, I prefer sex to be ASAP since I'd like to know if we're compatible that way. That's something we can learn right away.

    Women need to take up for themselves. From a bachelor's point of view, there hasn't been a better time to be on the prowl since women are so undemanding and unsure of themselves. It's a field day for the man who wants to play.

  3. Garsh!!! Sheriff Bart that's EXACTLY why we chose this topic! Women do need to take up for themselves and make better decisions; but you're falling back on that ole standby "If they are willing to give it up, Ima take it!" Our point is that there is a cost for that, nothing is free.

    I do agree that sadly many of us don't know how to start and develop a relationship and far too many of us are undemanding and unsure but why do you take advantage of that?

  4. I feel you Wonder Woman but we have to start somewhere! "Be the change you want to see in the world" really is a relevant quote. But this post was for the men to see themselves differently. It is not all about the woman being responsible; it is about us each taking accountability and recognizing the domino effects of our actions. It's time we HEAL ourselves and if men continue to just take what someone is willing to give them without gauging the consequences, we are going to continue to have the breakdowns in our relationships as a result. I think there is a direct correlation between the two conditions.

  5. To be clear, I'm not really the type of person to go about acquiring women in a sporting manner. I just know the what the climate is like out there. Before I go down that road, I make sure we're physically healthy and my intentions are clear. I feel like that is an adequate amount of action to take.

    Let me run with the premise that I am taking advantage of women on occasion. The only excuse I can offer is that I have needs for intimacy that I'm not going to just sit on. This is the option you're left to exercise when you don't feel like there are anything but slim pickings in relationship department.

  6. Sheriff Bart, your point is taken about making your intentions clear; everyone should be adults and can make their own decisions. Our point is that women often deceive themselves by believing that they will be fine with a purely intimate relationship with no strings attached. However, once they get it good a few times (or not) their oxytocin's get to flowin', they get attached, and all of a sudden, they want a relationship! Men are befuddled by this because the agreement was "friends with benefits" or some variation thereof!

    As women, we take this personally. We feel that after you've spent time with us, you will naturally fall in love with our wonderfulness and want to make babies (ok, I went a little far, but you get my point). When this doesn't happen, we feel rejected, we begin to question ourselves, our desirability, and our confidence suffers. This positions us to be "undemanding and unsure" and causes us to lower expectations -- of ourselves. THIS IS THE CYCLE.

    As a man, you can choose to recognize this. You can choose to control your needs for intimacy until you've found someone worthy of all of you. No one said it would be easy...but if you have a part, even a seemingly insignificant morsel in creating this cycle, isn't it worth the sacrifice for your community?

  7. Alisa,

    Obviously, you have a good head on your shoulders. I don't argue with any of your facts. Coincidentally, I am in a relationship where this very scenario you are describing has happened. I just have a few comments.

    First, I am not going to follow this argument that because a woman can't control herself (the self deception and influence of brain chemistry) that I'm supposed to have the self control to do the job for both of us. I refuse to see women as less capable as a way to pin responsibility on me.
    Secondly, the point of my life is to live it. I'm not going to sit on my thumbs waiting for the right woman. I could be dead next week. I don't fear being hurt. Been there, done that. My answer to your question is no, it is not worth the sacrifice for my community.
    My ultimate point is that women have the power and choice to create their own realities in this scenario. Don't take for granted that you'll feel like X when Y happens. Stop assuming. Stop overanalyzing. Don't be afraid to take an experience at face value and walk away if it's not good enough. Frankly, I'm tired of being judged all the time when we all know it takes two to tango.

  8. Sheriff-I think that your comments are very good. The point here, in my opinion, is to expand the conversation beyond what women "should" do to keep themselves whole. We ALL play a part. It takes a better understanding (for men and women) of one's personal power to get to the point where we are willing to look at our actions ("good" and "bad")from a position of power;and that is the power in owning our choices. This is the reason that Alisa and I write this blog-not to make anyone "wrong", but to facilate discussions where we begin to look at who we are and understand that there is always choice. Sometimes, our choices will be "good" and sometimes they will be not so good, but they are OUR choices to make. There are no victims or villains in this thinking. Every experience is to our benefit and for our growth. As we come to understand this, the discussion evolves beyond reaction and blame.

  9. I definitely agree. Please keep up the good work. Hard to find anywhere with this level of discussion on the matter.