Sunday, November 1, 2009


Growing up we both have memories of wanting to get bigger so that we could have access to what our older siblings and the big kids on the block had. We remember when we were finally able to make it past the height requirements for every ride at Disneyland, only to become equally as passionate about reaching the age where we could stay home alone. Soon we were looking forward to driving, later curfews, college, and then the freedom of adulthood to make our own rules and live our own lives.

And so it goes, a never-ending cycle of believing that once we get to our next level, our happiness will show up. As children we had defined timelines to progress in life and we used these milestones as a measurement of our success. This practice became a habit that as adults we now carry and we rarely stop to ask ourselves why we continue to race toward where we think we want to be. Often, we compare ourselves to others and feel anxiety if we see ourselves as losing in the race to getting "bigger."

As women, we learn early on that part of winning our race includes the magical day when some man makes us his wife. There is a timeline embedded in this milestone, as well. As single women, we gauge how on-track we are in life compared to members of our peer group that are married or in a relationship. We tend to create our own suffering when we conclude that we are not worthy, or desirable, or that something is wrong with us because we are single.

What's the hurry? We thought we'd be happy when we were old enough to be out on our own. We thought we'd be happy when we could make enough money to buy the things that we thought we should have. But, the more milestones we achieve, the more we feel we need to achieve and the more anxious we become.

When we let go of comparisons and instead appreciate each season of our journey, we release ourselves from the anxiety that is attached to a defined outcome. If being a grown up is about freedom, then let's stop following the cookie-cutter habits we established as children and start creating our own rules.

1 comment:

  1. Give me a sec ....let me digest on this ONE!!!!
    Very poignant statements w. an extent of facts, experience and systematic occurences...relevancy has its place...just as much as the Black Woman and Man...Let me digest...for I did not know weather to press stop or let the clip roll! So, I let it roll in order to speak from facts and relate to a solution oriented conversation to Black Women and Black Men...My Sistahs FIRST and foremost....

    I shall return