"IT DOESN’T MATTER AND IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER"-WHY IT MATTERS

There’s so much talk about Spirituality nowadays. There are the books, the blogs, the forums, and seminars, and then there are the informal discussions among friends. Having had quite a few conversations on the subject myself, I’ve noticed something that often leaves me feeling a bit uncomfortable. And that is how willing we are to suffer in the name of being spiritual. A suffering that comes a little close to being masochistic. Some odd form of self-torture designed to make sure that we are getting our lessons and to confirm that we are on the right path. A test that we are able to suspend all judgment. The practice of the belief that "It doesn't matter and it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter" gone awry.

Knowing that many consider spirituality to be a practice more than it is a belief, I can see how it is necessary to put action behind our beliefs. Makes sense. But often, we think that action includes intentionally putting ourselves in the line of fire so that we can prove that we are strong; and that we are letting go of the tendency to respond to people and circumstances through our egos. We allow ourselves to be subjected to stuff that just doesn’t feel good to us; mistakenly believing that if we are able to withstand the torture without judgment, we will magically learn to transcend ego. Now, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I choose not to sign up for that one. I’m just gonna have to fail that course.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that sometimes we don’t know where we stand and what we truly believe until we are tested, but that doesn’t mean that we should seek opportunities to be uncomfortable or tolerate messiness in order to know for sure that we “get it.” There is no need to suffer unnecessarily under the weight of the belief that “it doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter.” There is no need to “conquer” the ego. There is no such thing. There is only the awareness of ego. And sometimes, awareness is simply knowing what feels good or authentic to us. It’s also knowing what doesn’t feel good, honoring that knowing, and then deliberately choosing what works for us.

Ultimately, we all must take the path that we personally believe will lead to our greater good. But there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that some people and situations don’t work for us. That isn’t judgment or weakness or failure. That is growth.

-Written by Angie

"RELATIONSHIPS DEAL BREAKERS": WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE?

A friend of mine recently sent me an article written by a psychiatrist that outlined 10 relationship deal breakers (I’ll call them the “Don’ts”). These deal breakers were centered on toxic behaviors that negatively impact relationships. In the article, the author suggests that if we recognize ourselves in any of the behaviors, we might need to seek professional help in order to understand what’s going on with us. While I believe that seeing our nasty little behaviors summarized so succinctly and held up like a mirror to our faces can actually have some impact, I am not quite convinced that a lack of awareness about underlying causes, or an inability to control the crappy stuff that we might be doing in our relationships is really the issue. Toxic behaviors damage relationships. That ain’t a new one for us to know. I think that most of us are already aware of this and fully capable of controlling these behaviors. It’s more about what we believe that causes us the most damage- that the role of our partner is to make us happy and they are responsible for our thoughts and emotions, as well as any actions that we might take because of them.

When we believe that the source and the responsibility for our happiness is outside of us, we are far more likely to be demanding , manipulative, or downright inconsiderate of others in our quest to ensure that we get our needs met. We look at the occasional fallout as a necessary evil and we choose to ignore the fact that clingy, whiney, needy, bitchy, controlling or dismissive behaviors serve no good purpose if our intention is to have a truly loving relationship. We choose to ignore the impact that this ultimately has on us or the people we become involved with. The “don’ts” are justified and then dismissed. We are simply reacting to their failure to address our needs; their failure to do right or to make us HAPPY.

Now, of course there are some of us who actually need help because we are emotionally or psychologically incapable of avoiding the “don’ts”. But for the most part? We know what not to do. It’s called The Golden Rule. We picked that up long ago. We just don’t want to take responsibility for who we are BEing in those moments when we conveniently forget that rule-and that is a person who is choosing to play powerless and small, blaming others for our reckless behavior. Now, that? That’s the “don’t.”

-Written by Angie

WE JUST MIGHT NOT EVER GET IT, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP TRYING

There’s a lot of talk in internet forums and on blogs about relationships. Some humorous, and some really serious discussions about the great divide between men and women. Joking or not, a lot of us really do want to achieve some level of clarity through these exchanges. As women engaged in the discussion, we often find ourselves in complaint about those things that we find annoying, disingenuous or just flat out pathological in the opposite sex. Sometimes, we sincerely want to understand why they do what they do so that we might be more successful in our relationships.

My take on it? I’ve personally come to the conclusion that I don’t need to figure it out. Some things don’t really need an explanation. Me knowing the “why” of it all, particularly as it relates to men, changes nothing. I have chosen to stay in my lane and not sign up for the story that I need to understand them in order to accept them or be happy with them. For me, there is no great mystery to solve. They just do what they do. I just do what I do. It just is what it is, and I accept that.

Now of course, it takes all kinds to make up a world, and every person will have their preferences as to what they find appealing in terms of physical attributes and behaviors. Some of these traits are acceptable to us and some are clearly not. After years and years of grappling with this subject with limited results, why do we continue to seek answers? Is it really necessary to know why?

I’ve talked to a lot of women about this subject and most have been very vocal about their reasons. Many say that their intention is to understand so that they can make better choices in the types of men they date; be more loving and supportive in their relationships; or more simply, just not be frustrated by the behaviors that baffle and annoy us. We want to be able to “deal with” them. But, what I often hear in these conversations is that there is something inherently “wrong” with men that must be tolerated or fixed. It seems like the frustration we feel does not come from our inability to understand men, but from our inability to make them change! Simply put, it is a non-acceptance of what “is”, and we are often completely unaware of the energy that it carries- judgment, blame, and frustration.

Maybe we don’t need to figure men out. Maybe the only understanding that we need is the understanding that we could do a lot toward transforming our relationships with men by just accepting who they are without believing that they should be different in any way. Perhaps the challenge for us is not so much about understanding as it is about simply allowing what is to be. Just my two cents.

-Angie