SUPERWOMAN IS DEAD......AND HER FUNERAL WAS FABULOUS!

As we grow older, we find ourselves pulled in many different directions.  There are the children, the spouse, the career, the side interests, and somewhere in the mix, there we are.  We just don’t have time for all of the “extras” anymore.  It is a sentiment echoed a lot lately by many of my friends.  A sentiment summed up in two words:  I can’t.

And what we can’t seem to do anymore is spend an inordinate amount of time catering to the whims and drama of others.  Now, it just seems like a lot of unnecessary nonsense.  Besides, we’ve got our own business to tend to.   When we were younger, we were far more likely to engage in all manner of tomfoolery; we tolerated so-called friends who really weren’t friends at all, we came to the rescue of those wayward siblings who always seemed to make it a point to find trouble, and we sacrificed for those boyfriends who really weren’t worth our time.  Granted, some stuff was serious and real, but it all seemed so crucial and necessary then.  And although the words were never spoken, we assumed that there would eventually be a return on our “good deeds” investment.  

But something changed.  We got older and we realized that it was no longer worth it.  We began to realize that all of the extra time and energy it takes to cater to others was no longer worth the extra time and energy.  Along with that realization, something else happened (well at least to some of us).  Some major event occurred in our lives and the very people that we put so much energy into were not around.   For many of us, our initial reaction was hurt or anger.  It just wasn’t fair.  We cried and complained because we had given generously and often, presumably with no expectation of recompense or reward, but the ONE time we found ourselves in need, we were left abandoned on the side of the road.  In our story, we had been used and so we vowed to shut it all down-at least for a while.  Because of course, they needed to know.  They needed to be taught a lesson.  They had mistaken our kindness for weakness.

Then came the pushback.  The pushback from all the folks that we had seemingly made dependent on our good deeds. They couldn’t understand our new attitude.  Our anger surprised them.  After all, nothing had changed for them, except maybe our newly found resistance to making ourselves available to them.  Some even went so far as to get mad and tell us that we were trippin’.  Now ain’t that something?  The nerve.  The nerve and the unmitigated gall. 

But in the midst of it all, we lost sight of the real issue.  And that is the fact that we had elected, appointed and nominated ourselves to be “Superwoman.”  We had freely signed up to be everyone’s go-to girl.  We got to be the one with all the answers.  We got to be the strong one; the level headed one, the mature one.  Some of us might argue that we didn’t choose it and that all of that greatness and responsibility had been thrust upon us.  But that isn’t true.  Despite our protestations and justifications as to why we took on the role, the fact remains that we did indeed choose it.  Something about it made us feel important or special.  We could at least be honest about that.  And for me, along with that honesty, came the understanding that my choice to give does not in any way create an obligation for those I have chosen to give to. 

Like every other real, grown-up woman dealing with life’s issues, I still have moments when it gets to be too much.  But nowadays, whenever I start feeling overwhelmed and  find myself feeling resentment towards the “takers”, I think of what my best friend told me many years ago...…“When God was going around the room asking who wanted to be responsible, didn’t nobody tell you to raise your hand”…and I laugh.

-Angie G.

RELATIONSHIP CHECKLISTS: RECIPES FOR LOVE OR LONELINESS?

We are so proud of ourselves.  We have gone through enough and have had enough experience to know what we want. We have determined our type; the physical attributes, the personality, and even the financial status.  We have set high standards, but we also know those things that we are willing to negotiate on.  We also know the deal breakers.  In other words, most of us have written a relationship story for ourselves.  And in that story, people will either be a match, or they won’t.  And that’s cool for those of us who are willing to leave it at that.  Some of us aren’t so willing.  We’ve got a plan.

We take our relationship checklists out into the world, projecting them onto everyone that we meet.  We know what we deserve and we are gonna make damn sure we get it, but in doing so, we often set ourselves up for failure.   And when we don’t get what we want from these forced and sometimes fabricated relationships, we can become angry and resentful.  We tell ourselves that somebody else is at fault.  We tell ourselves that their choice to become involved with us means that they, at some point, agreed to the arbitrary terms of some imaginary agreement.  In our story, they willingly entered into a relationship contract and are responsible for the damages that we perceive they have caused.  We are quick to judge and talk about responsibility, but only as it applies to everyone but ourselves.  They need to stand up and they need to be held accountable for what they do, or don’t do, to and for us.  And so, we tell ourselves another story: our being dissatisfied with the quality of our relationships is a result of somebody else’s inability to behave in ways that benefit us.

It isn’t often that we hold ourselves accountable for the choices that we make.  We think that in expressing our wants and needs upfront, we have done our part and performed our due diligence.  What we don’t like to admit, however, is that we sometimes ignore some very obvious realities in our efforts to live into the relationship story we have created for ourselves.  We forget that we don’t have to diminish our own personal power by controlling others in order to get the results that we want.

We don’t have to give up our stories; our lives are meant to be designed as we would like them to be.  But, knowing what we want in a relationship doesn’t mean that we have to demand, manipulate or cajole others into being our perfect mate.  All we really need to do is be clear about what does and doesn’t work for us, and then be willing to live in the confidence and clarity that comes with knowing that we are ultimately responsible for the choices that we make.

-Angie G.

TELL YOUR EGO TO GET ITS OWN FACEBOOK PAGE

Some folks need to stay off Facebook-at least for a while. A brief vacation, maybe. It seems like some of us may have gotten a little beside ourselves and need to take some time off to reflect on where we have been and where it is that we want to go. And I almost hate to say it, but it seems as if the more “enlightened” of us are the ones who most need the break. I think that you might know the type that I’m talking about-the ones who start off sharing their good thoughts and positive messages with the world, but then develop some weird kind of attachment to how those messages are received. The ones who begin to run amuck and become slightly, if not completely obnoxious when they perceive that others are not responding to them in the way that they think they should. After all, they are only attempting to share good news. And we should appreciate them for their efforts.

It’s ego on steroids. It’s the rejection of ego followed by a breakdown-complete identification with ego. I have to admit that I am at times completely disturbed by it. Maybe that’s because it reminds me of just how strong this ego thing is; and just how vulnerable we all are to its machinations. The very thing that so many of us are seeking to minimize can pop up with a vengeance so strong that it can take even the most benign belief or perspective and manufacture it into a personality that we adopt in an effort to assert ourselves as morally, spiritually or even intellectually superior to others.

It’s always right there lurking and waiting for an opportunity to judge and criticize; to play the victim and be the aggressor; to compete and win at any cost. And the ego just loves social media. Left free to roam, it jumps all up on Twitter and Facebook for the sole purpose of being clever and letting everybody know just how much it knows. It seeks constant validation through positive comments and “likes”, using social media as a stage on which it can perform to the applause of thousands of adoring fans. It can be self-righteous and aggressive or self-deprecating and seeking support/pity. That ego ain’t nothing nice and it will not be ignored. It’s got something to say, and you are most definitely going to hear it.

It has a legion of personalities and disguises. So many in fact, at times it’s hard to keep up with them all. I have witnessed even the most “positive” people engage in all types of questionable shenanigans and tomfoolery because of its warped perception that it has been insulted or offended, that its authority has been challenged or its brilliance denied.

So who is really doing the talking? Is it us, or is it the ego? And who is it that we really want people to know? Because of social media, we have unprecedented access to people all over the world and the ability to freely communicate our thoughts and ideas. This can work to our betterment or to our detriment and as always, we get to choose which one we want it to be. In the future, before we post or make a comment, we might want to consider asking ourselves the question, “why am I really doing this?” The answer just might surprise us.


-Angie G.