TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS-KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO

As we grow, some longstanding friendships will fall by the wayside. When they do, many of us feel the familiar guilt that comes along with the story that we have somehow “abandoned” our friends; even when we know that these relationships no longer serve us-the “us” that we have become and are becoming. And so, we find ourselves stuck in the “how do I end this relationship?” quagmire; so completely over it, yet feeling some strange sort of obligation to hang on in there. Now, I’m not talking petty differences or throwing away perfectly good friendships over a simple misunderstanding. I’m talking about the relationships that drain us emotionally, mentally and physically (and sometimes financially!); the friends who leave us feeling diminished whenever we are in their presence.

Now I’m just as guilty as the next girl when it comes to this, but after a recent conversation with a close friend about this very subject, I realized that there comes a time when we all have to man or woman up. Nobody ever said that every friendship is meant to last forever. The energy that we bring to these stagnant and sometimes toxic relationships is heavy and uncomfortable at best, and extremely strained at worst. So, why do we choose to torture ourselves? Out of loyalty? Because we are good people? Or is it because we are holding on to memories of a time that has long since passed? Then again, it could just be that we are more concerned with how other people will judge us for walking away than we are with our own comfort and well-being.

At a certain age, we are very clear about our likes and dislikes. We know exactly who and what works for us; and when we know, we owe it to ourselves to honor that. When the quality of our relationship with ourselves improves, so does the quality of the relationships that we choose to have with others. And on our journey towards better defining the types of relationships we wish to have, sometimes the best thing for us to do is to lovingly say, “Goodbye” to those who no longer fit.

Admittedly, I have never been one to have a lot of “friends.” But now more than ever, as I go through my own process of weeding out relationships that no longer fit, I cherish that small number of people in my inner circle. Those beautiful women (and men!) who inspire me; who lift me up, but who are also willing to shut me down; who love me at my most unlovable, and always see me as being the wonderful possibility that I am; who don’t need labels or grand gestures or pretense; who seek to enhance, and not diminish, every life they touch. My intention is to be and do the same.

-Angie G.

VALENTINE'S DAY-WAS IT ALL JUST A SHOW?

Valentine’s Day is known as a time to express love, show appreciation, and celebrate relationships. But for many, it is merely another opportunity to put on an act-an elaborate production designed to show the world that we have been chosen and that we are worthy of love. Along with the production comes the familiar pressure to receive some grand token of affection, and often, we believe that display must be made publicly to have real meaning. Somehow, the story of the “what” and the “how” becomes bigger than the intention behind the gesture. It is a story that must be shared. It is a story about how much our partner loves us.

And, in our effort to prove to our friends and family how much we are adored, we lose focus. Valentine’s Day becomes less about an intimate expression of love and more about the show. But it isn’t about the roses vs. lilies, really. It isn’t about the diamond earrings vs. the diamond engagement ring. It’s about how we interpret what those things mean to us; and in that interpretation, we might just be missing the point.

As we look back on Valentine’s Day, was it all just a show? It could very well be that our expectations for the day were based on fear; fear of how others, even ourselves, would perceive the level of love and commitment in our relationships. But when we really know where we stand in our relationships, there is nothing to show. There is nothing to prove.

-Angie G.

NEW YEAR,"NEW" YOU

It’s a New Year and once again, I’m already tired of hearing all the chatter about resolutions. I just can’t help it. I tend to cringe when I hear folks talk about their resolutions as if having one (or more) is some kind of obligation- as if the act of making a resolution, in and of itself, is something that we should do to prove that we mean business. We are finally going to lose that extra 10 pounds, get in shape, start that new project, or leave that funky job that we always hated. We believe that if we are strong enough or committed enough to take on the challenge, we will miraculously shed (literally and figuratively) all those conditions that we perceive as standing between us and our happiness.

But the truth is that happiness is always a choice, and we have an opportunity to make that choice in each moment of every day. We don’t have to change or improve anything about ourselves in order to feel good and experience happiness. All we need is a little gratitude for all that we have been able to accomplish and the many blessings we already enjoy (for starters, how about having breath in our lungs!?!) to get that good energy going and to create fertile ground for more happiness to grow.

As ever-evolving people, it is only natural for us to want more, seek an improved condition, or look for opportunities to experience joy. However, when we are seeking to change because we believe that who or what we are in this moment is not good enough, we are not creating our lives from our highest possible perspective.

So, instead of picking apart all that is “wrong” and seeking to change those things, let’s begin this new year by asking ourselves the question, “Who and what do I ultimately want to become?” This helps us to create a vision of what we DO want, not what we DON’T want; and having clarity about that distinction goes a long way in helping us to achieve our goals. No resolution required.

-Written by Angie G