WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN TO HAVE IT ALL?

A single friend of mine recently shared an experience in which a well-meaning sister friend and a family member barraged her with questions about getting married and having children.  One is married, and both are new moms, so I suppose they felt that it was their duty to stage an intervention in order to save her from a bleak future of spinsterhood.  They went all in- telling her that it’s time for her to make a move and that she’s getting older and she’s going to regret not getting married and having children. Blah, blah, blah.  Although she was able to handle this conversation with grace, she was actually a bit confused by the sudden barrage of questions and accusations cleverly disguised as concern.   She had never expressed dissatisfaction with her personal life, so she was more than a bit curious as to why they would want her to feel anxious and fearful about her choices.   Something just didn’t feel right.  This wasn’t about love or sisterhood.  This was clearly about something else.

It’s always been a theory of mine that it’s best to be wary of those who insist that you join their club (whatever that club might be).  As the saying goes, “there is safety in numbers” and many seek to increase membership in order to increase their own comfort.  They want their choices to be affirmed.  They want to be “right.”

And what is that they want to be right about?  In this case, it is the story that in order for a woman to have it all, she must have a husband and/or children and without them, something is missing.  But is that really so?  The truth is that many of us have never given any real thought to it.  We have simply accepted it as fact.  And although we may create wonderful and fulfilling lives for ourselves, there is still the underlying belief that our single life is simply the “make do” stage or a prerequisite to the life we really want live.

Holding this belief as being absolutely true has caused many of us to pursue a path in life that does not honor us.  Particularly as it relates to marriage and family, many of us are more enthralled with the idea of it than we actually are with the reality.   We strive to get there, lest we be left on the sidelines feeling like the little kid who was chosen last for the kickball team.  But once we join the game, we might just realize that it isn’t necessarily the one that we want to play.

Of course, some of us are very clear about what we want.  Marriage and family might be a deliberate choice for us and not a decision based on what others think we “should” do.   But, there are some us who could really benefit from being more honest; honest about what really brings us joy, what really makes us feel good, and how we really imagine our lives to be if we could be bold enough to live in our own truths.  We might be surprised at what we discover-that there are many possibilities for a life well-lived, and that there is more than one way for a woman to have it all.

“What’s left for you to do with your life?” they asked my friend.  Her response made me smile. “I see myself onstage speaking and motivating women.  I see myself in the company of a man that I enjoy.  I see my life as being full and happy.”

Well, that sounds good to me.

- Angie G.

RELATIONSHIPS: DO WE KNOW WHEN IT'S REAL?

What’s all of this talk about “real” relationships?  As women, we tend to spend a great deal of time on this subject.  We measure potential mates against the standard of what we have determined a real relationship to be, and we are quick to express our frustration at the fact that there seems to be a shortage of potential suitors that meet our qualifications.  Most of us are certain that we know what a real relationship is, but do we really?  We might be a little confused. Or slightly misguided, maybe.

Perhaps our biggest error is buying into the notion that such a thing actually exists.  For the most part, our perception of what constitutes a “real” relationship is determined by some arbitrary list of standards that generally includes, at a minimum, “quality”, intention, reciprocity, stability and feelings of unconditional love and emotional security.  But what if those things, when they show up, are merely by-products of, and not the purpose of the relationship?  And what if that seemingly pervasive sense of frustration that we are experiencing on the relationship front isn’t really about the so-called quality of the people we meet, the much talked about shortage of “good” men, or even the result of a bad economy?  What if the issue isn’t about anything external to us?  What if our frustration is solely a result of our own unmanaged expectations and belief in fairytales? 

I am not suggesting that we should not desire kindness, support, consideration and warm, fuzzy feelings from our relationships, but when we focus only on the by-products, we miss the purpose.  Somewhere, somehow, many of us got lost in the story that a “real” relationship, as we have come to define it, is not only a goal, but a requirement.   Anything less is considered to be settling; and we may even sexy that up by calling it “compromise.”  But whatever we choose to call it, there appears to be an underlying belief that we are missing out on something that we are entitled to.  It is that belief that prevents us from taking our relationship experiences as they come and limits our ability to learn and grow from them.

The simple truth is that ALL relationships are “real” relationships.  And all relationships, whether we determine them to be good or bad, provide an opportunity for us to be greater.  They provide insight into our very being and are merely the mirrors that reflect on us our own majesty, as well as our own fears and insecurities.   Our relationships can be no better or worse that who we are choosing to be at any given time.  You can’t get any more real than that.

-Angie G.

SOME THOUGHTS AS WE ENTER THE NEW YEAR….

Once again, the start of a brand new year has come upon us.  As we enter into new possibilities, may we all be reminded that we have the ability to be, do, and have anything that we want; that there are no mistakes, only lessons; and that the love and happiness we seek is already within our grasp.  It’s easy to make resolutions and renew our commitments.  It’s a little harder for us to just BE and know that we are loved, perfect, and abundant- just as we are.

During 2012, we all grew some, laughed some (a LOT, I hope!), shed some tears, and came to some new realizations.  We reached some of our goals, gained some victories, and also came to more clearly define the things we want to have in the future.  All in all, we have truly been blessed!  

As we begin 2013, my prayer is that we continue to grow and find the space within ourselves to know, beyond all doubt, that there is nothing more that we need to do in order to be complete.  We don’t need a new exercise plan, more money, a better job, a new car or a bigger house.  All we need is a willingness to allow ourselves to feel good and to be at peace in the present moment.   All we need is gratitude for all that we have, and all that we have had the pleasure to be and to experience.  That is the starting point from which all other things will flow into our existence. 

Happy New Year, to all!

With love,

Angie G.