"RELATIONSHIPS DEAL BREAKERS": WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE?

A friend of mine recently sent me an article written by a psychiatrist that outlined 10 relationship deal breakers (I’ll call them the “Don’ts”). These deal breakers were centered on toxic behaviors that negatively impact relationships. In the article, the author suggests that if we recognize ourselves in any of the behaviors, we might need to seek professional help in order to understand what’s going on with us. While I believe that seeing our nasty little behaviors summarized so succinctly and held up like a mirror to our faces can actually have some impact, I am not quite convinced that a lack of awareness about underlying causes, or an inability to control the crappy stuff that we might be doing in our relationships is really the issue. Toxic behaviors damage relationships. That ain’t a new one for us to know. I think that most of us are already aware of this and fully capable of controlling these behaviors. It’s more about what we believe that causes us the most damage- that the role of our partner is to make us happy and they are responsible for our thoughts and emotions, as well as any actions that we might take because of them.

When we believe that the source and the responsibility for our happiness is outside of us, we are far more likely to be demanding , manipulative, or downright inconsiderate of others in our quest to ensure that we get our needs met. We look at the occasional fallout as a necessary evil and we choose to ignore the fact that clingy, whiney, needy, bitchy, controlling or dismissive behaviors serve no good purpose if our intention is to have a truly loving relationship. We choose to ignore the impact that this ultimately has on us or the people we become involved with. The “don’ts” are justified and then dismissed. We are simply reacting to their failure to address our needs; their failure to do right or to make us HAPPY.

Now, of course there are some of us who actually need help because we are emotionally or psychologically incapable of avoiding the “don’ts”. But for the most part? We know what not to do. It’s called The Golden Rule. We picked that up long ago. We just don’t want to take responsibility for who we are BEing in those moments when we conveniently forget that rule-and that is a person who is choosing to play powerless and small, blaming others for our reckless behavior. Now, that? That’s the “don’t.”

-Written by Angie

WE JUST MIGHT NOT EVER GET IT, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP TRYING

There’s a lot of talk in internet forums and on blogs about relationships. Some humorous, and some really serious discussions about the great divide between men and women. Joking or not, a lot of us really do want to achieve some level of clarity through these exchanges. As women engaged in the discussion, we often find ourselves in complaint about those things that we find annoying, disingenuous or just flat out pathological in the opposite sex. Sometimes, we sincerely want to understand why they do what they do so that we might be more successful in our relationships.

My take on it? I’ve personally come to the conclusion that I don’t need to figure it out. Some things don’t really need an explanation. Me knowing the “why” of it all, particularly as it relates to men, changes nothing. I have chosen to stay in my lane and not sign up for the story that I need to understand them in order to accept them or be happy with them. For me, there is no great mystery to solve. They just do what they do. I just do what I do. It just is what it is, and I accept that.

Now of course, it takes all kinds to make up a world, and every person will have their preferences as to what they find appealing in terms of physical attributes and behaviors. Some of these traits are acceptable to us and some are clearly not. After years and years of grappling with this subject with limited results, why do we continue to seek answers? Is it really necessary to know why?

I’ve talked to a lot of women about this subject and most have been very vocal about their reasons. Many say that their intention is to understand so that they can make better choices in the types of men they date; be more loving and supportive in their relationships; or more simply, just not be frustrated by the behaviors that baffle and annoy us. We want to be able to “deal with” them. But, what I often hear in these conversations is that there is something inherently “wrong” with men that must be tolerated or fixed. It seems like the frustration we feel does not come from our inability to understand men, but from our inability to make them change! Simply put, it is a non-acceptance of what “is”, and we are often completely unaware of the energy that it carries- judgment, blame, and frustration.

Maybe we don’t need to figure men out. Maybe the only understanding that we need is the understanding that we could do a lot toward transforming our relationships with men by just accepting who they are without believing that they should be different in any way. Perhaps the challenge for us is not so much about understanding as it is about simply allowing what is to be. Just my two cents.

-Angie

I AM THE WIZARD: WHAT "THE WIZARD OF OZ" TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE

The MGM classic “The Wizard of Oz” just might be the definitive movie metaphor for life. If you think about it, a lot of us are a lot like young Dorothy-running away in search of what we think is missing at home. We make it all so super-dramatic and complicated. And like the characters that she meets along her journey to Oz, we are in search of those things like courage, brains and a heart that will make us “better” people. If we were braver, smarter, or more loving and kind, all would be well. There is something that we are in need of that is missing. Without it, we are incomplete.

And often, we spend our entire lives on that same journey. We fight against all obstacles that stand in our way while we ignore the fact that we are actually BEING, in our most honest, vulnerable, and authentic moments, those things that we wish we had. We seek out our very own wizards; hoping that they will grant us with the gift of what we most desire. But on our journeys, the wizards are many. And even though we find ourselves continually disappointed once the curtain is pulled back and the fakery is exposed, our belief is not diminished. On the contrary, we curse the wizards for their deception and their inability to grant our wishes. We swallow our disappointments and we move on in our search for the “real” one person or thing that will fix us and make us whole. And, that fix is always around the next corner. It’s in the next relationship, the next job, the next course, the next book, the next……..

But like the characters in the movie, at some point we must allow ourselves to know the truth. And that is we already possess what we are looking for. We don’t need a wizard to grant us courage, brains or a heart. In fact, no person or thing or institution can give us something that we believe that we lack.

There are still times when I find myself in search of that magical Wizard. But I know that if we would only believe, we would see that what we have been searching for has been in us the entire time.

-Written by Angie