It’s so easy to worry. There’s global warming, wars being waged, and children starving. There is much to focus on in the global community. A little closer to home, we worry about family, personal relationships, career and debt. But does worrying truly serve a purpose? Of course, we must acknowledge the things that we consider to be wrong so that we can make the adjustments necessary to improve those conditions. But when we take these issues on as a reason to worry, we are not in the business of creating solutions. We are just feeling bad for the sake of having a bad feeling.
Somehow, we have adopted the belief that worrying about problems means that we truly care about something. We even judge others when we determine that they aren’t worrying enough. We believe that when things are not going well, the appropriate response is to feel bad. This belief runs so deep for some of us that even when we don’t care about a particular issue, we feel compelled to work up some negative emotion. We will put on the sad face and give the requisite, “Awwww, how sad!” in response to the news that a friend has ended a dysfunctional relationship that has outlasted its usefulness. We exclaim, "How terrible!" and sigh heavily when we hear that a family member has lost a job that we know they hated. Why? We make it mean something that we can commiserate and share in the suffering. We mistakenly believe that it makes us “good” people; that we are kind and sympathetic.
When we feel powerless to positively impact a situation, we choose worry and sadness as our contribution. We go all in and get lost in the negative emotion because it is familiar to us. It is our way to act without taking action. We are not empowered and we fail to empower others.
Of course, “bad” things are happening in the world. Sometimes, “bad” things happen to us and to our loved ones. It is during these times, that we may want to consider taking a step back before we choose worry as our reaction. We may want to ask ourselves what would be our truest intention. Is it to feel bad for the sake of feeling bad or are we simply acknowledging our feelings before moving into positive action? Is it to offer authentic support to a friend in need or do we just want to give the appearance of caring? Or, are we worrying because we feel powerless to do little else? When we choose to react to life’s unpleasant events from a place of pure intention, we allow ourselves the freedom to genuinely express caring. And it is through this authentic expression that we empower ourselves and others.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL
DAILY STRUGGLE:
During a spurt of bad PMS, I asked God why I feel as if I am spinning my wheels, as if I am striving to get somewhere but can never quite reach it. I put my head down in frustration and almost immediately I heard, “Look what you have already created. You wanted to buy a place when you changed jobs, and you did that. You wanted a new car within a year, and you did that. You wanted to move into a place surrounded by windows and trees and have outdoor spaces, and you did that. You wanted to move positions in your job and to change locations, and now you’ve done that; you even have a big office with big windows and NO ONE there! You’ve created exactly what you desired.”
And, I thought about that. In my pity, it came to me that “spinning my wheels” was more about me perpetuating my own unhappiness by not fully appreciating what I have created. I use the guise that “I am always striving to be better, to become more, I can’t get complacent…” but I came to understand in those thoughts that the only way that I will create more of what I want is to be relaxed in what I have already created.
Now “relaxed” may seem to be a curious word, why not “appreciative”, or “thankful”? Well, I am coming to realize that I have to relax my mind into accepting my successes, whatever they are right now. I have to relax my body into the belief that I can and will create more of what I want. I have to relax my emotions by recognizing that everyday is not going to feel the best and even in that, my past and present creations are not meaningless.
I said to myself this morning, “If I had my house on the hill with lots of windows and I was touring, delivering my God-given message, I wouldn’t feel like this, I’d be happy.” I had to check myself with the thought that during travel, I may miss my family, or I may find myself lonely from time-to-time. And, that’s when I realized that it’s not geography, it’s not partnership, it’s not circumstances, it is simply a matter of relaxing; at least for today. ;-)
By Alisa
During a spurt of bad PMS, I asked God why I feel as if I am spinning my wheels, as if I am striving to get somewhere but can never quite reach it. I put my head down in frustration and almost immediately I heard, “Look what you have already created. You wanted to buy a place when you changed jobs, and you did that. You wanted a new car within a year, and you did that. You wanted to move into a place surrounded by windows and trees and have outdoor spaces, and you did that. You wanted to move positions in your job and to change locations, and now you’ve done that; you even have a big office with big windows and NO ONE there! You’ve created exactly what you desired.”
And, I thought about that. In my pity, it came to me that “spinning my wheels” was more about me perpetuating my own unhappiness by not fully appreciating what I have created. I use the guise that “I am always striving to be better, to become more, I can’t get complacent…” but I came to understand in those thoughts that the only way that I will create more of what I want is to be relaxed in what I have already created.
Now “relaxed” may seem to be a curious word, why not “appreciative”, or “thankful”? Well, I am coming to realize that I have to relax my mind into accepting my successes, whatever they are right now. I have to relax my body into the belief that I can and will create more of what I want. I have to relax my emotions by recognizing that everyday is not going to feel the best and even in that, my past and present creations are not meaningless.
I said to myself this morning, “If I had my house on the hill with lots of windows and I was touring, delivering my God-given message, I wouldn’t feel like this, I’d be happy.” I had to check myself with the thought that during travel, I may miss my family, or I may find myself lonely from time-to-time. And, that’s when I realized that it’s not geography, it’s not partnership, it’s not circumstances, it is simply a matter of relaxing; at least for today. ;-)
By Alisa
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
WHEN BLACK MAN + BLACK WOMAN = WHITE WOMAN
Even in the year 2010, interracial relationships continue to be hotly debated and are often a point of contention between Black men and Black women. With all of the reports about the shortage of “good Black men” going around nowadays, some of us can get a little “spicy” when the topic comes up-and that’s putting it mildly.
We use all kinds of clichés to express how we feel (“Your mother is a Black woman. How can you say that we aren’t good enough?”), but none of it gets to the root of the real issue; and that is a belief in shortages and limited choices. Some of us express our displeasure loudly and openly, but preface our statements by saying that we believe that we should all love one another; that there are no color lines; that we are all God’s children. But if this is the case, why is it that some of us look upon interracial relationships, specifically Black Men with White women, as being an insult or a slap in the face to ALL Black women, everywhere? Do we really believe that the reason that we “don’t have a man” is because the “good” ones are being snatched up by predatory White women? Is it really a matter, as some of us would assert, that White women are easier to get along with and more willing to put up with crap than we are? Or could it be that Black men who date White women are filled with self-loathing and suffering from low self-esteem? Logically speaking, if these things are really true, wouldn’t we prefer, for these Black men to seek love elsewhere? Or is it that we want them to stay, against their own will, and be with us because they “should?”
Some of us speak of our loyalty to the Black man, saying that we would NEVER date outside our race, as if that somehow proves that we are more committed to our collective well-being than they are. We are ALWAYS down. We ALWAYS have our men’s back. When a Black man “dates White”, we often view this as an act of desertion. Our perception is that they have turned their backs on us; leaving us unwanted, unsupported, and unloved. Now of course, according to some of us, it’s okay for a Black man to date a White woman, but we take offense when we have determined that he has made it a HABIT or when it becomes his preference. But who are we to make that call?
We’ve heard most, if not all of the arguments. From intellectual discussions about the disappearing Black family to flat out anger and sadness over feeling dismissed and disrespected as Black women. All of these arguments have valid points, but we must always remember that there is no attack. There is no conspiracy. There are just people making decisions about who they want to love and be with. And whether those decisions come as a result of a deliberate choice or because of some deeply-rooted dysfunction, it is not OUR place to judge or criticize. Our only work while we are here is to be the best WE can be, as we encourage and support others to do the same. And in doing so, we must realize that we may not always agree on what is “right” or “best.”
When we mistakenly believe that someone else’s choice is making a statement about who we are, we limit our ability to define ourselves. And who we are is beautiful and worthy and powerful.
We use all kinds of clichés to express how we feel (“Your mother is a Black woman. How can you say that we aren’t good enough?”), but none of it gets to the root of the real issue; and that is a belief in shortages and limited choices. Some of us express our displeasure loudly and openly, but preface our statements by saying that we believe that we should all love one another; that there are no color lines; that we are all God’s children. But if this is the case, why is it that some of us look upon interracial relationships, specifically Black Men with White women, as being an insult or a slap in the face to ALL Black women, everywhere? Do we really believe that the reason that we “don’t have a man” is because the “good” ones are being snatched up by predatory White women? Is it really a matter, as some of us would assert, that White women are easier to get along with and more willing to put up with crap than we are? Or could it be that Black men who date White women are filled with self-loathing and suffering from low self-esteem? Logically speaking, if these things are really true, wouldn’t we prefer, for these Black men to seek love elsewhere? Or is it that we want them to stay, against their own will, and be with us because they “should?”
Some of us speak of our loyalty to the Black man, saying that we would NEVER date outside our race, as if that somehow proves that we are more committed to our collective well-being than they are. We are ALWAYS down. We ALWAYS have our men’s back. When a Black man “dates White”, we often view this as an act of desertion. Our perception is that they have turned their backs on us; leaving us unwanted, unsupported, and unloved. Now of course, according to some of us, it’s okay for a Black man to date a White woman, but we take offense when we have determined that he has made it a HABIT or when it becomes his preference. But who are we to make that call?
We’ve heard most, if not all of the arguments. From intellectual discussions about the disappearing Black family to flat out anger and sadness over feeling dismissed and disrespected as Black women. All of these arguments have valid points, but we must always remember that there is no attack. There is no conspiracy. There are just people making decisions about who they want to love and be with. And whether those decisions come as a result of a deliberate choice or because of some deeply-rooted dysfunction, it is not OUR place to judge or criticize. Our only work while we are here is to be the best WE can be, as we encourage and support others to do the same. And in doing so, we must realize that we may not always agree on what is “right” or “best.”
When we mistakenly believe that someone else’s choice is making a statement about who we are, we limit our ability to define ourselves. And who we are is beautiful and worthy and powerful.
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