Even in the year 2010, interracial relationships continue to be hotly debated and are often a point of contention between Black men and Black women. With all of the reports about the shortage of “good Black men” going around nowadays, some of us can get a little “spicy” when the topic comes up-and that’s putting it mildly.
We use all kinds of clichés to express how we feel (“Your mother is a Black woman. How can you say that we aren’t good enough?”), but none of it gets to the root of the real issue; and that is a belief in shortages and limited choices. Some of us express our displeasure loudly and openly, but preface our statements by saying that we believe that we should all love one another; that there are no color lines; that we are all God’s children. But if this is the case, why is it that some of us look upon interracial relationships, specifically Black Men with White women, as being an insult or a slap in the face to ALL Black women, everywhere? Do we really believe that the reason that we “don’t have a man” is because the “good” ones are being snatched up by predatory White women? Is it really a matter, as some of us would assert, that White women are easier to get along with and more willing to put up with crap than we are? Or could it be that Black men who date White women are filled with self-loathing and suffering from low self-esteem? Logically speaking, if these things are really true, wouldn’t we prefer, for these Black men to seek love elsewhere? Or is it that we want them to stay, against their own will, and be with us because they “should?”
Some of us speak of our loyalty to the Black man, saying that we would NEVER date outside our race, as if that somehow proves that we are more committed to our collective well-being than they are. We are ALWAYS down. We ALWAYS have our men’s back. When a Black man “dates White”, we often view this as an act of desertion. Our perception is that they have turned their backs on us; leaving us unwanted, unsupported, and unloved. Now of course, according to some of us, it’s okay for a Black man to date a White woman, but we take offense when we have determined that he has made it a HABIT or when it becomes his preference. But who are we to make that call?
We’ve heard most, if not all of the arguments. From intellectual discussions about the disappearing Black family to flat out anger and sadness over feeling dismissed and disrespected as Black women. All of these arguments have valid points, but we must always remember that there is no attack. There is no conspiracy. There are just people making decisions about who they want to love and be with. And whether those decisions come as a result of a deliberate choice or because of some deeply-rooted dysfunction, it is not OUR place to judge or criticize. Our only work while we are here is to be the best WE can be, as we encourage and support others to do the same. And in doing so, we must realize that we may not always agree on what is “right” or “best.”
When we mistakenly believe that someone else’s choice is making a statement about who we are, we limit our ability to define ourselves. And who we are is beautiful and worthy and powerful.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
ON GETTING A RING PUT ON IT......
Commitment. One word that women of all ages are familiar with. Most of us want it, many of us chase it, and some of us worship the thought of having it. We want somebody to “put a ring on it.”
But often, the search for commitment is not a movement toward something, but more a desire to run away from something; and that something could be loneliness, single girl income or being the last one in a circle of friends to walk down the aisle. Yes, commitment sounds good, but what does it really mean to us? To most of us, it means having a “plus 1.” It means validation. It means that we have been chosen. It means that we are “good enough.”
And as we pursue the brass (or “golden”) ring, the achievement of anything short of that becomes flat and meaningless. "Single" becomes a four letter word and the older we get, the nastier the word becomes for some of us. We come to believe that we have somehow missed the mark or that we don’t measure up; that we alone are not enough; or that we are on the outside of our own lives waiting for someone to unlock the door and let us in. Our other accomplishments begin to pale in comparison and being in a committed relationship becomes the stick by which we measure how successful we are. Careers are not enough. Family is not enough. Friendships are not enough. Love, in all its other manifestations, is not enough.
But through it all, as romantic relationships begin and end on our journey to finding “the one”, we are always left with ourselves. And for that reason, our bliss must come through an appreciation of ourselves and all of the many blessings that we have -recognizing that we are experiencing love regardless of our relationship status. Who we are is not enhanced by a ring. So, in our race toward commitment, we have to ask ourselves, “When I reach that magical destination called ‘married’, who am I gonna be?”
It’s time to rid ourselves of the antiquated belief that our lives will somehow begin with “I do.” Life is happening now; and as we continue to create whatever in our lives that we are desiring, we will be no better or worse than who we choose to be in this very moment.
But often, the search for commitment is not a movement toward something, but more a desire to run away from something; and that something could be loneliness, single girl income or being the last one in a circle of friends to walk down the aisle. Yes, commitment sounds good, but what does it really mean to us? To most of us, it means having a “plus 1.” It means validation. It means that we have been chosen. It means that we are “good enough.”
And as we pursue the brass (or “golden”) ring, the achievement of anything short of that becomes flat and meaningless. "Single" becomes a four letter word and the older we get, the nastier the word becomes for some of us. We come to believe that we have somehow missed the mark or that we don’t measure up; that we alone are not enough; or that we are on the outside of our own lives waiting for someone to unlock the door and let us in. Our other accomplishments begin to pale in comparison and being in a committed relationship becomes the stick by which we measure how successful we are. Careers are not enough. Family is not enough. Friendships are not enough. Love, in all its other manifestations, is not enough.
But through it all, as romantic relationships begin and end on our journey to finding “the one”, we are always left with ourselves. And for that reason, our bliss must come through an appreciation of ourselves and all of the many blessings that we have -recognizing that we are experiencing love regardless of our relationship status. Who we are is not enhanced by a ring. So, in our race toward commitment, we have to ask ourselves, “When I reach that magical destination called ‘married’, who am I gonna be?”
It’s time to rid ourselves of the antiquated belief that our lives will somehow begin with “I do.” Life is happening now; and as we continue to create whatever in our lives that we are desiring, we will be no better or worse than who we choose to be in this very moment.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
As we grow older and experience various relationships; some good and some not so good, many of us seek to have a greater understanding of ourselves and the men in our lives so that we can better relate to one another. In our quest to do better and be better, we buy books, attend seminars, join groups and engage in endless discussions about relationships. In an effort to transform the quality of our relationships, we analyze the circumstances that have led to a “breakdown” in communication between men and women. And as our awareness increases, we become “experts” who are able to quickly identify dysfunctional behavior in others.
For instance, we know why our best friend continues to date a man who will never marry her, or can recognize when a particular man has a “fear” of commitment and can’t seem to settle down with one woman. In our arrogance, we may even have a suggestion or two about how to “fix” these problems! And, what about us? Somehow, that’s not so easy to tackle. While we are quick to offer advice to others, we are unwilling to take that same advice and do the work it takes to make ourselves better.
As we become more skillful at labeling issues and calling other folks out about what we perceive to be their shortcomings, we are often satisfied to merely label on our own. Now, of course we cannot change what we do not acknowledge, but simply acknowledging our faults does little to transform the quality of our relationships. While it is smart to understand the dynamics of relationships and what it takes to make them succeed or fail, it does not stop there.
When it comes to our personal behavior, we are quick to explain it away and assign it to some past psychological trauma or social stigma that’s causing us to act out; but when exactly do these explanations cease to be explanations and become excuses? Surprisingly, we expect our partners to understand and accept our faults, while we audaciously judge others for their negative behavior. We become complacent with our circumstances and the comfort of having someone there, while ignoring our part in damaging our own relationships. But, if we are truly seeking to heal the quality of our relationships, we should start the healing at home. In order to transform our relationships, we have to be in the act of transformation. This means that we have to take responsibility for our own actions; to actually BE the standard that we set for others.
So, before we engage in conversations where the finger of blame is pointed away from ourselves, maybe we should instead take the time to decide one positive change we will make within our own relationships. It’s great to be able to spot and analyze problems in other people’s relationships, but the best part about understanding where relationships tend to breakdown is using it to identify where our behavior may be similar and taking the advice that we so freely give to others.
For instance, we know why our best friend continues to date a man who will never marry her, or can recognize when a particular man has a “fear” of commitment and can’t seem to settle down with one woman. In our arrogance, we may even have a suggestion or two about how to “fix” these problems! And, what about us? Somehow, that’s not so easy to tackle. While we are quick to offer advice to others, we are unwilling to take that same advice and do the work it takes to make ourselves better.
As we become more skillful at labeling issues and calling other folks out about what we perceive to be their shortcomings, we are often satisfied to merely label on our own. Now, of course we cannot change what we do not acknowledge, but simply acknowledging our faults does little to transform the quality of our relationships. While it is smart to understand the dynamics of relationships and what it takes to make them succeed or fail, it does not stop there.
When it comes to our personal behavior, we are quick to explain it away and assign it to some past psychological trauma or social stigma that’s causing us to act out; but when exactly do these explanations cease to be explanations and become excuses? Surprisingly, we expect our partners to understand and accept our faults, while we audaciously judge others for their negative behavior. We become complacent with our circumstances and the comfort of having someone there, while ignoring our part in damaging our own relationships. But, if we are truly seeking to heal the quality of our relationships, we should start the healing at home. In order to transform our relationships, we have to be in the act of transformation. This means that we have to take responsibility for our own actions; to actually BE the standard that we set for others.
So, before we engage in conversations where the finger of blame is pointed away from ourselves, maybe we should instead take the time to decide one positive change we will make within our own relationships. It’s great to be able to spot and analyze problems in other people’s relationships, but the best part about understanding where relationships tend to breakdown is using it to identify where our behavior may be similar and taking the advice that we so freely give to others.
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