Enjoy "What is" for What it is

As women, we can sometimes focus so heavily on the outcome of a relationship that we miss our opportunity to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the moment. Many of us find ourselves feeling that if the relationship is not “going somewhere”, then it is a waste of our time. We may even stop ourselves from enjoying a perfect date because we don’t want to get too comfortable, or give too much of ourselves. We attempt to avoid being let down- by what we consider to be a potentially unfavorable ending- by holding ourselves apart from living joyously in the moment. Our deepest fear is that we will lose out; that we will somehow be fooled, tricked, or lied to.

When our focus is on the outcome of the relationship instead of the kindness and intimacy shared in each moment with the person that we are involved with, it causes a slew of unintended consequences. There is a shift from joy, to the fear of loss when we look toward a future that is based upon getting to goal and seeking a guaranteed “forever.” For example, if a man says that he wants to get married and have a baby in the future, we may take that to mean that he wants to get married and have a baby with us. But let’s say weeks down the line, he says in conversation, “When my wife and I have a baby…” and it is not clear that he is speaking about us, we are offended and act as if a bucket of ice cold water has been thrown in our face based upon a story that we made up!

The reality is that anyone, at any moment, can decide whether or not they want to be with us. But, not allowing ourselves to feel happy or joyful because a relationship is not “going somewhere” does nothing to endear our partners to us; in fact, it can act as a repellant. The fact will never change that we can’t create our futures based upon what someone else is doing or saying today. We are ever-changing, ever-growing creatures. The best that we can do is to relax and enjoy each moment without plotting and planning what’s in it for us. We should enjoy our every experience based upon the value we receive in the present instead of focusing on the potential that someone else may decide to move on.

DO YOU!

Ever notice how anxious we sometimes get when things don’t go exactly as we plan? When it comes to relationships, we get particularly wound up when we perceive that our partners are not “on board” with every plan that we choose to create for ourselves or that they are somehow failing us when they don’t participate the way that we would wish for them to... Sometimes, we even feel like we are being stopped from living out our passions and blame them for not supporting us. After trying time and again to engage our partners in endeavors that we enjoy and coming up empty handed, we sometimes give up the fight and call it a compromise.

What we don’t often consider is the impact that this behavior has on us. It is one thing to concede on certain points, all in the name of being generous or sensitive to another’s feelings. It is quite another to concede, but harbor resentment over the decision; or worse yet, to believe that relationships require that sometimes one partner must compromise their life experiences in order to maintain balance within the relationship. This is faulty thinking. When we take on this belief, we actually increase our own sense of powerlessness, create unnecessary stress in our relationships, and lose focus on an absolute truth about life. And this truth is that in any situation, we all have the ability to choose. While it is nice to have our partners along for the adventure, the adventure still remains a possibility for us if we choose to proceed on our own.

Once we release the need to drag others along on our life’s journey, we will see that we do not need for anyone to be compliant with our wishes in order for us to choose to honor our commitment to ourselves when it comes to personal goals, expectations and experiences. When we move forward and fully experience our lives as we intend them to be, we will no longer see others as standing in our way or holding us apart from what we desire, which is often at the root of our self-created anxiety. In this place, we become truly powerful.

Sometimes we can feel resistant and angry when our partners do not meet our plans with the same level of enthusiasm that we would want them to. When we experience this agitation, it is not necessary to control our negative thoughts or blame ourselves for feeling this way. We simply need to surrender our thoughts and our feelings about it and focus on the joy of the upcoming experience, while moving forward toward our goals in a manner that respects our partnerships and honors our commitments to ourselves. The results? A feeling of peace, empowerment, and a recognition that our lives are what we choose to make of them and that sometimes, just sometimes, this means that we have to go it alone……..and that it’s all okay.

Knowing When to Say When

It is a common stereotype that men have applied to women…..women talk too much! If we would just allow them to have the TV remote, a beer, some good food and great sex every now and again, they would be happy! Of course, this is an oversimplification and different strokes are meant for different folks, but there may be some validity to the statement that as women, we talk too much…… or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that sometimes we just don’t know when to shut up.

We’ve all heard the term “nag” before and it never seems to describe the woman that we see ourselves to be. In our minds, we justify what we say, how we say it, and why we need to constantly repeat ourselves in our communications with the men in our lives. We honestly feel that if we don’t, they will somehow miss the point or may forget to follow through on what we ask of them. But, if we look deeply into why we feel the need to over-communicate on certain issues, we may find a deeply-rooted fear; a fear that we are powerless.

Often, when we feel a compulsion towards repetition, all in the name of “asserting” ourselves or making ourselves clear, what we are really trying to do is manage our own anxiety. If we repeat something enough times, if we can just get them to understand our point of view, if we make sure that they are aware that we ain’t playing and that we mean business, everything will be better. What we fail to see is that once we have worn out our welcome on a discussion topic, we often leave our men feeling deflated, uninspired and resentful. We dampen the brilliance of their creativity, constrict their desire to be generous, and trample on any hope of genuine spontaneity.

In our push to be understood, sometimes we fail to understand. When we force our point out of fear that we will not get OUR needs met, we stop meeting the needs of our partners. If we were to put the shoe on the other foot, how many of us would appreciate the behavior? If our men repeated themselves over and over, over-shared their feelings about our lack of understanding, and demeaned us like children for “stepping out of line”, how tolerant would we be towards them? More than likely, we would say something like, “Not me. Not today!” and remind them that we are fully grown and capable of responding without all of the “extra”.

From this point forward, let’s make an attempt to communicate from a place of love and not fear. We may be surprised at the outcome.