BLAME-THE WEIGHT THAT WE CHOOSE TO CARRY

Sometimes we just feel stuck-stuck in a job, a relationship, or some situation in life that we fight and struggle to break free from. And often, we look for someone to blame for our plight. We blame ourselves for not knowing better, for not having tried hard enough and for not being good enough. We blame others for victimizing us; for keeping us down or thwarting our attempts to be free from our perceived oppression. We blame them for not allowing us to be great. So we remain in the struggle, fighting against the tides of opposition and hoping for the day that it will all get better.

But we pay a price for the blaming-and that is the more we blame, the more stuck we become. Blame is literally like a bag of rocks that we decide to pick up and carry on our backs. And, it doesn’t matter if we blame ourselves or if we blame someone else-the impact is the same. The weight of it slows us down. But, we assume that assigning fault will lighten the load and help us to feel better. If we blame others, we feel better because we are not at fault for the conditions that we find ourselves in. If we blame ourselves, we feel better about having taken responsibility. But blaming never helps. It only causes us to focus on what we perceive as being “wrong” with us or with other people. Blame, (and all of those little nasty feelings associated with it) becomes our point of attraction. When we focus on who’s at fault, we don’t allow ourselves to see possibilities. We see only what is that is “wrong”; not what could be.

And although many of us take pride in our ability to make strides while carrying our bag of rocks (we are strong, right?), what we fail to realize is just how much faster and farther we could go without carrying the weight of blame, shame or guilt. We fail to grasp the joy and the freedom that comes with deliberately choosing to let go of the weight and living in the knowing that we can be, do, and have whatever we want.

So how do we stop carrying the weight? By deliberately choosing to put down our bag of rocks and allowing ourselves to know that no person, situation or institution holds us apart from what we want. Blame and fault finding fixes nothing; it only slows us down on our journey towards where we ultimately want to be.

-This post was written by Angie

THIS TIME, I KNOW BETTER - THE STORY OF GETTING IT RIGHT IN RELATIONSHIPS

At OvertheStory, we talk a lot about “stories” – manufactured tales of how we should be and what we should do that have been conjured up from our own minds or have been handed to us by others who intended to teach us what we need to know on our journey through this thing called life. Often, these stories are larger than life myths that exist to encourage us to continue our investment in the belief that at some point, the stories can or will pay off for us.

And what is one of the biggest stories of all time? The big, whopping tale that with experience comes a wisdom that will transform our dating and relationship lives; that at some point, we will have gone through enough stuff to know what it takes to mitigate our relationship damages. We will finally come to know exactly what it is that we need to do in order to succeed. At some point, we will know better. And because we will know better, we will do better. And then, we will get it right.

But, we have seen enough of our friends and family (and even ourselves!) repeat the same relationship patterns, with limited results, to know that this is not the absolute truth. Once burned, we are far less likely to touch a hot stove, so what is it with relationships that causes us to make the same “mistakes” over and over again?

I believe that it’s because when it comes to relationships, just as with everything else in life, it’s a “be” thing, not a “do” thing. It’s not so much what we do that yields us the results that we want. It’s what we believe, and who we are BEing in the space of that belief, that makes the difference. We need only to BE transformed; and that we can accomplish flawlessly if we are willing to allow ourselves the freedom to do so. The perfect thing to DO will come naturally; without the need to act in a way that we think looks different from our past. We won’t need to look for signs of what happened before to determine what we need to do in our future. We won’t need to choose better next time. We won’t need to get it right. Who and what shows up will be a perfect reflection of the relationship that we have with ourselves-as it has always been.

-Written by Angie

YEAH, I'M SELFISH AND SO WHAT?

As women, we pride ourselves on being selfless and giving. We are the backbone of our families. We are our partner’s support. We are our children’s greatest advocates. We are the shoulder that our girlfriends lean on in times of trouble. We give, give, give ourselves away, even if we resent doing so. Why? Because it’s what’s expected of us? Or is it because we have signed up for the story that being selfless makes us good people? Somehow, somewhere, we got sold a bill of goods. We were told that giving our all in service to those we love is what we “should” do, and that the more we give, the better we are, and the more we will be loved , adored, and cherished. We are led to believe that there is no middle ground for us. We are either selfless or we are selfish, and heaven forbid that we should ever be called selfish. And so, in the story of being either good or bad; selfless or selfish, we sacrifice ourselves in the name of being good. We sacrifice our own happiness, or so we think, to benefit others. We often say that it’s because we have to or because we have no choice in the matter. The truth is that we don’t always have to and we do have a choice. Now, I’m all for giving. I believe that giving is good for the soul, but when we begin to feel diminished because of it, we may want to consider a radical idea. We may want to consider sucking it up, defying convention, and allowing ourselves to be………selfish.

Me? I choose to be selfish. I choose to put my personal health and well-being before anything and everyone else. I choose to say “No” and “No, thank you”, even when I am met with resistance, guilt and blame. I am quite convinced that I owe nothing, other than the authentic expression of me, to the people in my life. I know that I cannot be the best possible “me” in service to others if I am not grounded within myself. Because I choose to be selfish, I am free to give and be present with loved ones without feeling overwhelmed or burdened. There is no need for me to take “me time”, because I know that every moment of my life is just that-“me time” and I am free to choose how I will spend it. Do I sometimes do things that I would rather not so that others might benefit? Is it sometimes necessary for me to go to the back of the line so that others may be served first? Of course, but in doing so I am very much aware that even that is my choice. It isn’t duty and it isn’t obligation. It’s my choice. And in my choosing, I allow myself to be responsible to and for the only person in my life who holds the key to my happiness-me.

-This post was written by Angie