“You get what you give.” “What goes around comes around.” We often use these sayings to describe what we consider to be “karma”; a kind of cosmic justice that creates balance in the world. It makes us feel really good to know that ultimately no good deed will go unrewarded just as no bad deed will go unpunished. Somebody or something is keeping score. And because we generally like to consider ourselves to be on the right side of “right”, we do our good works and we sit back and wait for our reward. We are so invested in this belief that we can become really impatient, sometimes to the point of frustration even, when our good stuff fails to show up.
And what about relationships? We do all the right things. We practice being spiritually grounded; we want to be present and emotionally available. We surround ourselves with the right people; “toxic” friends are no longer a part of our inner circles. We keep ourselves physically fit and well groomed as we pluck and wax and tweeze ourselves to perfection. Even more important -we are good. So, so good. Kind, loving, thoughtful and considerate. We are Ms. Right ready for our Mr. Right to appear. We have cleaned out our emotional junk, done our spiritual homework, and we are ready, willing and able to give our best. So what is up with the men who show up in our lives who don’t quite match our perception of our perfect mate? For some reason, our relationship reward seems to be slow in coming. Surely something is off-kilter, but we keep moving and we wait for our good karma to kick in.
And as we move in and out of relationships, attempting to get it right and seeking our reward, we often find ourselves dissatisfied. We feel we deserve better. We see ourselves as more than what we are attracting, but what we fail to realize is that EVERY relationship that we experience is a direct reflection of who we are in any given moment. Through our relationships, we are given the opportunity to truly see ourselves-our greatness and our strength, and also what is injured and needs healing. EVERY man is our Mr. Right and right now is our perfect opportunity to heal and to grow; to use each and every relationship to help us become more of the person that we ultimately want to show up in our lives. Nothing is broken. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is out of balance.
Our karma is good and everything is exactly as it should be.
-This post was written by Angie
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Labels Can Get Sticky
We just love labels. We look for particular labels on the clothes that we wear, the cars that we drive, the products that we use and even on the foods that we eat. We believe that it helps us to differentiate between quality and junk. Heck, we love labels so much that we even put them on people; rich, poor, pretty, ugly, nice, mean, good, bad. We develop lists of characteristics and behaviors that we look for so that we can easily place the people in our lives into neat little categories. Makes life simple, right? Some would say, “yes”, but the problem with labels and categories is that they cause us to limit our choices. And when we limit our choices, we limit our experiences.
When it comes to developing relationships, we tend to analyze everything according to our little lists and we judge (oh, how we judge) a person’s suitability and/or worthiness based upon the limited perspective of our experiences. We treat people according to the labels that we place on them and we feel justified in doing so. In our minds, if a person exhibits a characteristic that places them in a category based upon our past experiences, the person becomes that, i.e., player, selfish, untrustworthy, etc. We have a hard time reconciling the possibility that they can be a person who does something that reminds us of some unpleasant past experience as well as a person who is loving and kind.
As we gain more experience, and we’ve pieced our broken little hearts together time and time again, we become acutely aware of relationship warning signs. When we sense the presence of bullshit or questionable behaviors, the little hairs stand up on our arms and we brace ourselves by building walls and making it clear that we can “see through all of that!” The problem is, one seemingly false move does not a bullshit make. We, all of us, have borderline qualities that would call us to question, and yet we don’t expect for someone to make an assumption about our entire character based upon one or two shortcomings.
It is understandable that we would want to protect ourselves when getting to know a potential partner. If we didn’t, we would be irresponsible. But we must always remember that we have not met EVERY TYPE of man or woman that exists. Just because a certain characteristic reminds us of a person with whom we have had an unpleasant experience, that does not mean that ALL people with similar characteristics will behave exactly as that person did. Even more importantly, it does not mean that we should respond the same as we did in similar past experiences. Sticking a label on someone based upon “what I know” can keep us ignorant. Maintaining false power over people by holding them in a box of our own construct is the perfect way to ensure ourselves a nice, cozy, enclosure. :)
When it comes to developing relationships, we tend to analyze everything according to our little lists and we judge (oh, how we judge) a person’s suitability and/or worthiness based upon the limited perspective of our experiences. We treat people according to the labels that we place on them and we feel justified in doing so. In our minds, if a person exhibits a characteristic that places them in a category based upon our past experiences, the person becomes that, i.e., player, selfish, untrustworthy, etc. We have a hard time reconciling the possibility that they can be a person who does something that reminds us of some unpleasant past experience as well as a person who is loving and kind.
As we gain more experience, and we’ve pieced our broken little hearts together time and time again, we become acutely aware of relationship warning signs. When we sense the presence of bullshit or questionable behaviors, the little hairs stand up on our arms and we brace ourselves by building walls and making it clear that we can “see through all of that!” The problem is, one seemingly false move does not a bullshit make. We, all of us, have borderline qualities that would call us to question, and yet we don’t expect for someone to make an assumption about our entire character based upon one or two shortcomings.
It is understandable that we would want to protect ourselves when getting to know a potential partner. If we didn’t, we would be irresponsible. But we must always remember that we have not met EVERY TYPE of man or woman that exists. Just because a certain characteristic reminds us of a person with whom we have had an unpleasant experience, that does not mean that ALL people with similar characteristics will behave exactly as that person did. Even more importantly, it does not mean that we should respond the same as we did in similar past experiences. Sticking a label on someone based upon “what I know” can keep us ignorant. Maintaining false power over people by holding them in a box of our own construct is the perfect way to ensure ourselves a nice, cozy, enclosure. :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Is There Really THAT Much Power in The P*?
We read somewhere that there is not one of ‘our’ relationship problems that cannot be solved by a Black woman simply closing her legs. Humph! Could this be the magical solution? Should we just get some self-esteem and pull our panties up? Now while this may make logical sense to some, we began to mull this familiar supposition over and voila, the idea occurred to us that this widely held belief may not at all be the simple solution it appears to be, but rather a BIG part of the problem!
Inherent in this thinking is that women must be the stronger of the two sexes and therefore must be responsible for making the most discerning decisions regarding intimacy. Could this be setting women up to be the perfect scapegoats upon the demise of relationships gone intimate too soon? Are the successes and failures of our relationships a direct result of what we as women do or don’t do? Is it really ALL about our failure to wield our P* Power with authority? And what about the men?!? Well, it seems that under this scenario, they come out scot-free. They are seemingly relegated to the role of children to be rewarded or punished based upon the quality of their behavior. They are not culpable, nor do they bear any of the burden, or so they may think...
When a man engages in a sexual relationship with a woman for whom he has no serious intentions, the outcome of this “hook up” for the woman is that she often becomes emotionally invested. Even when a woman screams from the rooftop, “I’m just out to get mine!”, repeated attachment to men who have no desire to provide her with the love and attention she is really seeking can lead to a change in attitude; she becomes bitter, angry and mistrustful.
As a result, once a man gets to the age where he wants to settle down, he may find that most of the women he encounters are scorned. We have heard many of our male friends say, “Why am I paying the price for what the last man did?!?" and to that, we respond, “Why would you think that you wouldn’t?” After all, we are all suffering in our own mess, why would YOU be any different? Don’t be naïve, your choice to “do you” while ignoring the part you’ve played in mishandling your female counterparts through the years contributes to our collective pain; and at some point, you will be forced to reckon with it.
Look, it comes down to a need for both women and men to alter our thinking about this issue. For a man to hold onto the antiquated belief that “I need you to keep your legs closed in order for me to respect you and understand your worth”, demeans a man’s personal power. Implying that a woman needs to be responsible for a man's behavior is contrary to a man’s natural inclination to lead. At what point can we start to count on our Black men to have our backs, protect our hearts and keep their pants zipped until they are clear that all women are too precious to simply use and discard?
Inherent in this thinking is that women must be the stronger of the two sexes and therefore must be responsible for making the most discerning decisions regarding intimacy. Could this be setting women up to be the perfect scapegoats upon the demise of relationships gone intimate too soon? Are the successes and failures of our relationships a direct result of what we as women do or don’t do? Is it really ALL about our failure to wield our P* Power with authority? And what about the men?!? Well, it seems that under this scenario, they come out scot-free. They are seemingly relegated to the role of children to be rewarded or punished based upon the quality of their behavior. They are not culpable, nor do they bear any of the burden, or so they may think...
When a man engages in a sexual relationship with a woman for whom he has no serious intentions, the outcome of this “hook up” for the woman is that she often becomes emotionally invested. Even when a woman screams from the rooftop, “I’m just out to get mine!”, repeated attachment to men who have no desire to provide her with the love and attention she is really seeking can lead to a change in attitude; she becomes bitter, angry and mistrustful.
As a result, once a man gets to the age where he wants to settle down, he may find that most of the women he encounters are scorned. We have heard many of our male friends say, “Why am I paying the price for what the last man did?!?" and to that, we respond, “Why would you think that you wouldn’t?” After all, we are all suffering in our own mess, why would YOU be any different? Don’t be naïve, your choice to “do you” while ignoring the part you’ve played in mishandling your female counterparts through the years contributes to our collective pain; and at some point, you will be forced to reckon with it.
Look, it comes down to a need for both women and men to alter our thinking about this issue. For a man to hold onto the antiquated belief that “I need you to keep your legs closed in order for me to respect you and understand your worth”, demeans a man’s personal power. Implying that a woman needs to be responsible for a man's behavior is contrary to a man’s natural inclination to lead. At what point can we start to count on our Black men to have our backs, protect our hearts and keep their pants zipped until they are clear that all women are too precious to simply use and discard?
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