JUST DO IT MY WAY...

Why is it that we have such a hard time accepting one another as we are when we are in a relationship? Men and women each feel that we bring something magically unique to the table; something that the other just can’t do without. This is true. Women have gifts that men need, as men have certain gifts that women need; but are we using those complementary gifts to our advantage or are we using these gifts to make one another feel inferior?

For a man, that may be observing a woman’s emotions and judging them as wrong or feeling that she is being “dramatic.” However, for women, this looks different. Often, as we observe men’s behavior, we believe that we are smarter or more gifted and we take on the belief that we must tolerate what we perceive to be a man’s shortcomings. We criticize them for small things like when they don’t load the dishwasher correctly or when they go to the grocery store and buy the “wrong” brand of juice, or how they never seem to tuck the corners just so when they make the bed. We make a big deal out of the little things and develop a perception of who they are based upon things that don’t really matter. What makes our way the best way and what is the cost when we continue to hold on to this belief? We become frustrated when things are not done our way, and in turn it causes us to feel burdened or that we don’t have the support that we need from them.

What we don’t get is that this is arrogant. When we judge one another as lacking or deficient in some regard, we aren’t able to appreciate the areas where they are gifted; where they complement or enhance our lives.

It would be so much easier if we choose to see things differently; if we choose to celebrate the differences between one another. Not focusing on what we see as wrong or lacking, but taking the time to appreciate the value that we add to one another's lives.

IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT FOR ME

We just can't help ourselves. As we live our lives, making observations and taking on different beliefs, we create a vision of what our ideal relationship will look like. We spend our time hunting for a relationship based on this idea of perfection and it doesn't matter what we haven’t seen or experienced in the way of perfection. Most of us have a preconceived notion of how our ideal relationship will go down. In our minds, our love will defy all odds. We will have perfect communication. We will keep our love alive. We will work through everything that comes our way. Our love will conquer all.

It’s always interesting when we get into the grit of a relationship; when the shine wears off and what’s left is the raw, guttural experience of two very different people trying to meet somewhere in the middle. In this place is where “…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, …” begins to sound more like movie dialogue than real-life reality! It is in this moment of reckoning that we begin the internal dialogue of, “is this really worth it??” Sometimes we begin to think about the other character traits and positive aspects our partners are missing that would be more compatible with our idea of a “perfect mate." We begin to question our decision to be with our partner and look for an escape route, or worse yet, a way to change them in order to make them more acceptable. Our declaration to “conquer all” begins to seem naïve, and “I’ll choose better next time” becomes our new mantra.

But, have we ever stopped to consider how much happier and more fulfilled we could be if we focused on what we have before us in this very moment? What if we nurtured our relationships based upon our partner's capabilities, as we know them to be, instead of blaming them for not being what we expected in our relationship fantasies? What if we released the expectation and longing for having something different; could we simply choose for this experience to be enough? Could we allow “happy” to be the joy that we get from allowing them to be who they are, and conversely, them allowing us to be who we are?

Perhaps living the fairytale is knowing that the fairytale doesn't exist. That a "perfect" love is loving one another for who and what we are right now, in this very moment; without the expectation of more, better or different.

DON'T BLAME YOUR CRAZY ON INTUITION!

As women, we have come to rely on our intuition to help steer us away from danger. We feel confident that what we perceive to be true is reality. Through our intuition, we are able to sniff out a lie. We know when something is "not right" or is out of sorts and it causes us to protect ourselves when we encounter negative situations. In short, we use our intuition to come to conclusions about what "is."

We have become so comfortable with relying on our intuition that we often fail to see when it ceases to be a gift and instead becomes a curse. In relationships, we can get so caught up in the feeling that something is amiss, we lose sight of the purpose of our intuition and instead focus solely on the stories that we create; and these stories are often created as a result of past hurts. Sometimes, things are not as they appear and it is our misinterpretation of what we believe to be intuition that becomes the catalyst for negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that can damage our relationships.

What would be possible if instead of reacting, we choose to take a step back and think about what it is that we really want? Is it to be reassured? Is it to avoid disappointment? When we act on what we think we "know" under the guise of following our intuition, we create tension that leads to breakdowns in communication. Instead of drawing our partners nearer to us, it drives them away. It creates the very thing that we are seeking to avoid.

We have all heard the saying, "the truth always come to light", but when we hold so tightly to our beliefs about what is absolutely true based upon a story that we have conjured up, we can't see the difference between protecting ourselves and causing unnecessary drama.