OVER THE STORY

NEW YEAR,"NEW" YOU

2012-01-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

It’s a New Year and once again, I’m already tired of hearing all the chatter about resolutions. I just can’t help it. I tend to cringe when I hear folks talk about their resolutions as if having one (or more) is some kind of obligation- as if the act of making a resolution, in and of itself, is something that we should do to prove that we mean business. We are finally going to lose that extra 10 pounds, get in shape, start that new project, or leave that funky job that we always hated. We believe that if we are strong enough or committed enough to take on the challenge, we will miraculously shed (literally and figuratively) all those conditions that we perceive as standing between us and our happiness.

But the truth is that happiness is always a choice, and we have an opportunity to make that choice in each moment of every day. We don’t have to change or improve anything about ourselves in order to feel good and experience happiness. All we need is a little gratitude for all that we have been able to accomplish and the many blessings we already enjoy (for starters, how about having breath in our lungs!?!) to get that good energy going and to create fertile ground for more happiness to grow.

As ever-evolving people, it is only natural for us to want more, seek an improved condition, or look for opportunities to experience joy. However, when we are seeking to change because we believe that who or what we are in this moment is not good enough, we are not creating our lives from our highest possible perspective.

So, instead of picking apart all that is “wrong” and seeking to change those things, let’s begin this new year by asking ourselves the question, “Who and what do I ultimately want to become?” This helps us to create a vision of what we DO want, not what we DON’T want; and having clarity about that distinction goes a long way in helping us to achieve our goals. No resolution required.

-Written by Angie G

"IT DOESN’T MATTER AND IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER"-WHY IT MATTERS

2011-10-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

There’s so much talk about Spirituality nowadays. There are the books, the blogs, the forums, and seminars, and then there are the informal discussions among friends. Having had quite a few conversations on the subject myself, I’ve noticed something that often leaves me feeling a bit uncomfortable. And that is how willing we are to suffer in the name of being spiritual. A suffering that comes a little close to being masochistic. Some odd form of self-torture designed to make sure that we are getting our lessons and to confirm that we are on the right path. A test that we are able to suspend all judgment. The practice of the belief that "It doesn't matter and it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter" gone awry.

Knowing that many consider spirituality to be a practice more than it is a belief, I can see how it is necessary to put action behind our beliefs. Makes sense. But often, we think that action includes intentionally putting ourselves in the line of fire so that we can prove that we are strong; and that we are letting go of the tendency to respond to people and circumstances through our egos. We allow ourselves to be subjected to stuff that just doesn’t feel good to us; mistakenly believing that if we are able to withstand the torture without judgment, we will magically learn to transcend ego. Now, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I choose not to sign up for that one. I’m just gonna have to fail that course.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that sometimes we don’t know where we stand and what we truly believe until we are tested, but that doesn’t mean that we should seek opportunities to be uncomfortable or tolerate messiness in order to know for sure that we “get it.” There is no need to suffer unnecessarily under the weight of the belief that “it doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter.” There is no need to “conquer” the ego. There is no such thing. There is only the awareness of ego. And sometimes, awareness is simply knowing what feels good or authentic to us. It’s also knowing what doesn’t feel good, honoring that knowing, and then deliberately choosing what works for us.

Ultimately, we all must take the path that we personally believe will lead to our greater good. But there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that some people and situations don’t work for us. That isn’t judgment or weakness or failure. That is growth.

-Written by Angie

"RELATIONSHIPS DEAL BREAKERS": WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE?

2011-09-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently sent me an article written by a psychiatrist that outlined 10 relationship deal breakers (I’ll call them the “Don’ts”). These deal breakers were centered on toxic behaviors that negatively impact relationships. In the article, the author suggests that if we recognize ourselves in any of the behaviors, we might need to seek professional help in order to understand what’s going on with us. While I believe that seeing our nasty little behaviors summarized so succinctly and held up like a mirror to our faces can actually have some impact, I am not quite convinced that a lack of awareness about underlying causes, or an inability to control the crappy stuff that we might be doing in our relationships is really the issue. Toxic behaviors damage relationships. That ain’t a new one for us to know. I think that most of us are already aware of this and fully capable of controlling these behaviors. It’s more about what we believe that causes us the most damage- that the role of our partner is to make us happy and they are responsible for our thoughts and emotions, as well as any actions that we might take because of them.

When we believe that the source and the responsibility for our happiness is outside of us, we are far more likely to be demanding , manipulative, or downright inconsiderate of others in our quest to ensure that we get our needs met. We look at the occasional fallout as a necessary evil and we choose to ignore the fact that clingy, whiney, needy, bitchy, controlling or dismissive behaviors serve no good purpose if our intention is to have a truly loving relationship. We choose to ignore the impact that this ultimately has on us or the people we become involved with. The “don’ts” are justified and then dismissed. We are simply reacting to their failure to address our needs; their failure to do right or to make us HAPPY.

Now, of course there are some of us who actually need help because we are emotionally or psychologically incapable of avoiding the “don’ts”. But for the most part? We know what not to do. It’s called The Golden Rule. We picked that up long ago. We just don’t want to take responsibility for who we are BEing in those moments when we conveniently forget that rule-and that is a person who is choosing to play powerless and small, blaming others for our reckless behavior. Now, that? That’s the “don’t.”

-Written by Angie

WE JUST MIGHT NOT EVER GET IT, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP TRYING

2011-08-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

There’s a lot of talk in internet forums and on blogs about relationships. Some humorous, and some really serious discussions about the great divide between men and women. Joking or not, a lot of us really do want to achieve some level of clarity through these exchanges. As women engaged in the discussion, we often find ourselves in complaint about those things that we find annoying, disingenuous or just flat out pathological in the opposite sex. Sometimes, we sincerely want to understand why they do what they do so that we might be more successful in our relationships.

My take on it? I’ve personally come to the conclusion that I don’t need to figure it out. Some things don’t really need an explanation. Me knowing the “why” of it all, particularly as it relates to men, changes nothing. I have chosen to stay in my lane and not sign up for the story that I need to understand them in order to accept them or be happy with them. For me, there is no great mystery to solve. They just do what they do. I just do what I do. It just is what it is, and I accept that.

Now of course, it takes all kinds to make up a world, and every person will have their preferences as to what they find appealing in terms of physical attributes and behaviors. Some of these traits are acceptable to us and some are clearly not. After years and years of grappling with this subject with limited results, why do we continue to seek answers? Is it really necessary to know why?

I’ve talked to a lot of women about this subject and most have been very vocal about their reasons. Many say that their intention is to understand so that they can make better choices in the types of men they date; be more loving and supportive in their relationships; or more simply, just not be frustrated by the behaviors that baffle and annoy us. We want to be able to “deal with” them. But, what I often hear in these conversations is that there is something inherently “wrong” with men that must be tolerated or fixed. It seems like the frustration we feel does not come from our inability to understand men, but from our inability to make them change! Simply put, it is a non-acceptance of what “is”, and we are often completely unaware of the energy that it carries- judgment, blame, and frustration.

Maybe we don’t need to figure men out. Maybe the only understanding that we need is the understanding that we could do a lot toward transforming our relationships with men by just accepting who they are without believing that they should be different in any way. Perhaps the challenge for us is not so much about understanding as it is about simply allowing what is to be. Just my two cents.

-Angie

I AM THE WIZARD: WHAT "THE WIZARD OF OZ" TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE

2011-07-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

The MGM classic “The Wizard of Oz” just might be the definitive movie metaphor for life. If you think about it, a lot of us are a lot like young Dorothy-running away in search of what we think is missing at home. We make it all so super-dramatic and complicated. And like the characters that she meets along her journey to Oz, we are in search of those things like courage, brains and a heart that will make us “better” people. If we were braver, smarter, or more loving and kind, all would be well. There is something that we are in need of that is missing. Without it, we are incomplete.

And often, we spend our entire lives on that same journey. We fight against all obstacles that stand in our way while we ignore the fact that we are actually BEING, in our most honest, vulnerable, and authentic moments, those things that we wish we had. We seek out our very own wizards; hoping that they will grant us with the gift of what we most desire. But on our journeys, the wizards are many. And even though we find ourselves continually disappointed once the curtain is pulled back and the fakery is exposed, our belief is not diminished. On the contrary, we curse the wizards for their deception and their inability to grant our wishes. We swallow our disappointments and we move on in our search for the “real” one person or thing that will fix us and make us whole. And, that fix is always around the next corner. It’s in the next relationship, the next job, the next course, the next book, the next……..

But like the characters in the movie, at some point we must allow ourselves to know the truth. And that is we already possess what we are looking for. We don’t need a wizard to grant us courage, brains or a heart. In fact, no person or thing or institution can give us something that we believe that we lack.

There are still times when I find myself in search of that magical Wizard. But I know that if we would only believe, we would see that what we have been searching for has been in us the entire time.

-Written by Angie

BLAME-THE WEIGHT THAT WE CHOOSE TO CARRY

2011-06-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we just feel stuck-stuck in a job, a relationship, or some situation in life that we fight and struggle to break free from. And often, we look for someone to blame for our plight. We blame ourselves for not knowing better, for not having tried hard enough and for not being good enough. We blame others for victimizing us; for keeping us down or thwarting our attempts to be free from our perceived oppression. We blame them for not allowing us to be great. So we remain in the struggle, fighting against the tides of opposition and hoping for the day that it will all get better.

But we pay a price for the blaming-and that is the more we blame, the more stuck we become. Blame is literally like a bag of rocks that we decide to pick up and carry on our backs. And, it doesn’t matter if we blame ourselves or if we blame someone else-the impact is the same. The weight of it slows us down. But, we assume that assigning fault will lighten the load and help us to feel better. If we blame others, we feel better because we are not at fault for the conditions that we find ourselves in. If we blame ourselves, we feel better about having taken responsibility. But blaming never helps. It only causes us to focus on what we perceive as being “wrong” with us or with other people. Blame, (and all of those little nasty feelings associated with it) becomes our point of attraction. When we focus on who’s at fault, we don’t allow ourselves to see possibilities. We see only what is that is “wrong”; not what could be.

And although many of us take pride in our ability to make strides while carrying our bag of rocks (we are strong, right?), what we fail to realize is just how much faster and farther we could go without carrying the weight of blame, shame or guilt. We fail to grasp the joy and the freedom that comes with deliberately choosing to let go of the weight and living in the knowing that we can be, do, and have whatever we want.

So how do we stop carrying the weight? By deliberately choosing to put down our bag of rocks and allowing ourselves to know that no person, situation or institution holds us apart from what we want. Blame and fault finding fixes nothing; it only slows us down on our journey towards where we ultimately want to be.

-This post was written by Angie

THIS TIME, I KNOW BETTER - THE STORY OF GETTING IT RIGHT IN RELATIONSHIPS

2011-05-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

At OvertheStory, we talk a lot about “stories” – manufactured tales of how we should be and what we should do that have been conjured up from our own minds or have been handed to us by others who intended to teach us what we need to know on our journey through this thing called life. Often, these stories are larger than life myths that exist to encourage us to continue our investment in the belief that at some point, the stories can or will pay off for us.

And what is one of the biggest stories of all time? The big, whopping tale that with experience comes a wisdom that will transform our dating and relationship lives; that at some point, we will have gone through enough stuff to know what it takes to mitigate our relationship damages. We will finally come to know exactly what it is that we need to do in order to succeed. At some point, we will know better. And because we will know better, we will do better. And then, we will get it right.

But, we have seen enough of our friends and family (and even ourselves!) repeat the same relationship patterns, with limited results, to know that this is not the absolute truth. Once burned, we are far less likely to touch a hot stove, so what is it with relationships that causes us to make the same “mistakes” over and over again?

I believe that it’s because when it comes to relationships, just as with everything else in life, it’s a “be” thing, not a “do” thing. It’s not so much what we do that yields us the results that we want. It’s what we believe, and who we are BEing in the space of that belief, that makes the difference. We need only to BE transformed; and that we can accomplish flawlessly if we are willing to allow ourselves the freedom to do so. The perfect thing to DO will come naturally; without the need to act in a way that we think looks different from our past. We won’t need to look for signs of what happened before to determine what we need to do in our future. We won’t need to choose better next time. We won’t need to get it right. Who and what shows up will be a perfect reflection of the relationship that we have with ourselves-as it has always been.

-Written by Angie

YEAH, I'M SELFISH AND SO WHAT?

2011-04-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

As women, we pride ourselves on being selfless and giving. We are the backbone of our families. We are our partner’s support. We are our children’s greatest advocates. We are the shoulder that our girlfriends lean on in times of trouble. We give, give, give ourselves away, even if we resent doing so. Why? Because it’s what’s expected of us? Or is it because we have signed up for the story that being selfless makes us good people? Somehow, somewhere, we got sold a bill of goods. We were told that giving our all in service to those we love is what we “should” do, and that the more we give, the better we are, and the more we will be loved , adored, and cherished. We are led to believe that there is no middle ground for us. We are either selfless or we are selfish, and heaven forbid that we should ever be called selfish. And so, in the story of being either good or bad; selfless or selfish, we sacrifice ourselves in the name of being good. We sacrifice our own happiness, or so we think, to benefit others. We often say that it’s because we have to or because we have no choice in the matter. The truth is that we don’t always have to and we do have a choice. Now, I’m all for giving. I believe that giving is good for the soul, but when we begin to feel diminished because of it, we may want to consider a radical idea. We may want to consider sucking it up, defying convention, and allowing ourselves to be………selfish.

Me? I choose to be selfish. I choose to put my personal health and well-being before anything and everyone else. I choose to say “No” and “No, thank you”, even when I am met with resistance, guilt and blame. I am quite convinced that I owe nothing, other than the authentic expression of me, to the people in my life. I know that I cannot be the best possible “me” in service to others if I am not grounded within myself. Because I choose to be selfish, I am free to give and be present with loved ones without feeling overwhelmed or burdened. There is no need for me to take “me time”, because I know that every moment of my life is just that-“me time” and I am free to choose how I will spend it. Do I sometimes do things that I would rather not so that others might benefit? Is it sometimes necessary for me to go to the back of the line so that others may be served first? Of course, but in doing so I am very much aware that even that is my choice. It isn’t duty and it isn’t obligation. It’s my choice. And in my choosing, I allow myself to be responsible to and for the only person in my life who holds the key to my happiness-me.

-This post was written by Angie

THE THINGS WE TELL OURSELVES SO THAT WE CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT OUR SHYT

2011-03-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

We’ve all seen someone do it, and at some point or another, we’ve all done it ourselves. We make what we consider to be a mistake that’s too obvious to hide. It’s done and it’s out there for the entire world to see. So what? Stuff happens. It’s a part of being human. We could give ourselves a break, but only if the mistake is with something that our ego hasn’t attached itself to. And because the ego’s job is to keeps us invested in looking good, we have to make up something. We have to tell ourselves something so that we can feel better about our shyt.

It isn’t our fault when our relationships don’t work. It isn’t possible that our vibrational picker could be off, or that we are too difficult, or too clingy or too dismissive, or too……something. Our relationships don’t work because the men out there just don’t get us, or they are players, or they are too immature, or just not “right” in some way. That project at work didn’t go south because we failed. It happened because “they” sabotaged us or didn’t give us all of the information we needed to get the job done. We didn’t sit back and not participate, contribute our fair share, or carry our part of the load because we were being lazy. No! It was because somebody else made us feel that our contribution didn’t matter, so we figured, “what would be the point in trying?” We weren’t an hour late for dinner because we failed to leave home on time. We would NEVER treat our friends so carelessly. We were late because of traffic, and everybody knows how bad LA traffic is. We didn’t snap and go off because we were feeling on edge. We are far too nice and too spiritual for that. We snapped because we were pushed to the limit by someone else and the object of our wrath deserved exactly what they got.

And that’s just what the ego does. It is the ultimate victim, and it is also the ultimate liar. It points fingers and tells us that we would get along just fine if it weren’t for all the people and stuff that keeps getting in the way of our good doings. It makes us avoid the truth about who we are being. It makes us avoid facing the challenges that could help us to more fully develop into the people that we want to be. The ego keeps us in bondage and keeps us playing small.

But consider this-what would it look like if instead of telling ourselves something so that we can feel better about our shyt, we actually allow ourselves to sit with the gnawing, uncomfortable feeling that we could have done more, been more, or had more if we had just made different choices? What would it look like if we gave ourselves permission to be imperfect during those times when we just don’t have it in us to give 100%; to choose not to blame, complain or justify ourselves to others? And what would it look like if we gave ourselves permission to learn from all of it? That just might look a little like freedom.

-This post was written by Angie

TAKING A STAND FOR WHAT WE WANT

2011-02-25T13:18:00.000-08:00

“You can’t take sides against anything. If you would just leave the “against” part out; if you would just be the one who is FOR things-you would live happily ever after…..”

-Abraham

As I read this quote this morning, it got me thinking about what it would look like if I could just completely focus on what it is that I DO want- what I desire to create, and what I wish to experience. We are all so geared towards fighting against something, taking sides, pointing out what’s “wrong” or how things “should” be, that we often lose focus on what it is that we truly want. We make it mean something to join causes that fight against injustice. We make it mean something that we are able to identify “wrongs” and point out where others, even ourselves, have failed. But in doing this, we allow ourselves off the hook. We don’t have to be responsible for our mis-creation. After all, it isn’t us. Other people or circumstances are ”bad” or holding us apart from our greatest good. We take a position against those things and very vocally express our displeasure. We believe that, in itself, means that we are taking positive action.

My personal challenge is to focus solely on what I want to create; to deliberately choose to be FOR something. Too idealistic, some would say. They would argue that there are things that are wrong in the world, and that we must take a stand against those things if we wish to see positive change. But, something tells me that the real magic is in being able to see our corner of the world (our personal experience) as we want it to be, and in taking a stand FOR that which would bring us the most joy and peace. That is my goal for my life today and each day forward.

-This post was written by Angie

DO WE REALLY WANT COMMITMENT?

2011-02-09T10:25:00.001-08:00

A good friend of mine was sitting at a restaurant bar enjoying a drink when a man (I’ll call him “Mike”) walked up and sat next to her. They began a friendly conversation and eventually, the topic of relationships came up. Of course, my friend had to ask, “Why is commitment so hard for men?” And that’s when Mike dropped a bombshell….

“Well, it’s obvious when a man doesn’t want to commit, even if he has been involved with a woman for a long time. But a lot of women have a problem with commitment, as well. It just looks different for them. A woman will choose to be with a guy knowing that he is not worthy of her or that he isn’t relationship material. That way, she can avoid having a real commitment and not be held accountable.”

Hmmmmmm. Maybe this guy was on to something (even if he didn’t directly answer the question!). As she shared his comments with me, we both had to admit that it wasn’t exactly the most profound thing that either of us has ever heard, but it opened the door for a great conversation. We came to the conclusion that there was a lot of truth in his statement. How many of us have gotten involved with a man knowing that he is ultimately not going to settle down and become the “ideal” mate (at least not for us)? We get to be the ones who are totally engaged and committed (at least in appearance) to making a relationship work. We get to be the long-suffering partner who makes all of the sacrifices. We get to walk away looking good when the relationship finally implodes. We get to fail and still look sexy. It’s not our fault. After all, we did try our best, didn’t we? But the million dollar question is, “If we sign up to play on a losing team, are we really trying to win?” It seems to be a little too convenient that we get to place so much of the blame on men. The fact is that if we spend our time focused on how wrong they are, we never get around to looking at ourselves.

Some may argue that we as women are all about the love and that it isn’t our fault that there are men out there who are into playing games or who are afraid to settle down with a good woman. Others will argue that we cannot help who we fall in love with and the fact that we are willing to stick it out is proof of our willingness to commit. Some will say that Mike is a typical guy looking to blame women for what we perceive to be men’s shortcomings. In the end, it really doesn’t matter what Mike’s intentions were when he made the statement. He spoke a truth that is worth examining. When we develop a pattern of becoming involved in relationships that lack commitment, how committable are we, really? We are the creators of our own experiences, and that includes relationships.

Of course, this isn’t about blame. It isn’t about giving a pass to the guys out there who make a sport of being elusive in relationships. And, it’s certainly not meant to accuse every single woman of being an undercover commitment-phobe. It’s about us being willing to take an honest look at ourselves, without feeling the need to examine someone else’s behavior. It’s about clearing our own path, coming into our own happiness, and becoming very deliberate creators of the type of relationships that we want to experience. When it comes to relationships, are our actions in alignment with what we say that we really want or are we setting ourselves up to fail? Just a little something to think about…….. Thanks, Mike.

-This post was written by Angie

STARTING A NEW YEAR-WITHOUT RESOLUTIONS

2011-01-18T15:06:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year. Out with the old and in with the new. Many of us have made resolutions that were broken two weeks into the new year, or that we are well on our way to backsliding on. I’ve never been really big on resolutions. Maybe that‘s because ever since I was a child, I’ve been hearing that most people break them. It’s almost a cliché. And so I figured there was never a point to making them, other than to tell ourselves or the world that we want to make a change. We have identified that there is something “wrong” with us that needs fixing-something that we have full control over, but have been too busy, lazy, or fearful to take control of. So now, as the new year begins, we resolve to buckle down or take the bull by the horns, or whatever it is that we make up in our minds to do. We are ready to face our challenges head on and do what we know it will take to get the job done or to accomplish our goals. We are ready to make a fresh start and take control of our lives, our careers, our weight, our destinies. We create a plan and set it in motion.

As I thought about resolutions and wrestled with how to accomplish all of the things that I already know that I want, intend and/or “need” to do (because it’s actually the same stuff that has been hanging around since last year-and maybe even the year before, but that’s another story), I became really clear about one thing. My “struggle” hasn’t been in doing too much of one thing or not enough of another. It isn’t even a lack of commitment. My struggle has been in my resistance to surrender. And, I do not think that I am alone.

We get so caught up in what we think we know, or in judging ourselves for what we think that we “should” know, that we won’t allow ourselves to surrender. We plot, strategize, schedule and calculate our way into being successful, but we often find ourselves unsatisfied with the results. We have to fail over and over again, only to start the cycle again the next year. We think that if we let go and allow ourselves to be divinely inspired that we aren’t taking enough action to get to where we want to be. We aren’t pushing ourselves hard enough. It never occurs to us that all of the good stuff happens when we just sit still and allow; following in the path that is set before us. We mistakenly believe that surrender is an admission of weakness or apathy, so we instead wrestle with resistance to what is and use force to get us the results that we desire. But, surrender is not weakness and it certainly isn’t laziness. It’s an acknowledgment of a Source greater than ourselves; a Source that knows the fastest and smoothest way to get from point A to point B. And, as I sat with these thoughts, I heard a voice say, “start with the basics.” And the basics is simply knowing what I want and where I want to be; giving up the belief that I know best about how to get there.

And this is where I am, today. My prayer is, “I know nothing. Teach me.” I am unlearning the habit of making something happen and truly coming to understand that it isn’t about committing myself to more or better activity. It is about allowing myself to be inspired and following the path of that inspiration. All else is like the thrashing about of a drowning man; and there is no need to drown. I can float.

-This Post was written by Angie G.

WHAT ARE WE SO WORRIED ABOUT?

2010-12-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

It’s so easy to worry. There’s global warming, wars being waged, and children starving. There is much to focus on in the global community. A little closer to home, we worry about family, personal relationships, career and debt. But does worrying truly serve a purpose? Of course, we must acknowledge the things that we consider to be wrong so that we can make the adjustments necessary to improve those conditions. But when we take these issues on as a reason to worry, we are not in the business of creating solutions. We are just feeling bad for the sake of having a bad feeling.

Somehow, we have adopted the belief that worrying about problems means that we truly care about something. We even judge others when we determine that they aren’t worrying enough. We believe that when things are not going well, the appropriate response is to feel bad. This belief runs so deep for some of us that even when we don’t care about a particular issue, we feel compelled to work up some negative emotion. We will put on the sad face and give the requisite, “Awwww, how sad!” in response to the news that a friend has ended a dysfunctional relationship that has outlasted its usefulness. We exclaim, "How terrible!" and sigh heavily when we hear that a family member has lost a job that we know they hated. Why? We make it mean something that we can commiserate and share in the suffering. We mistakenly believe that it makes us “good” people; that we are kind and sympathetic.

When we feel powerless to positively impact a situation, we choose worry and sadness as our contribution. We go all in and get lost in the negative emotion because it is familiar to us. It is our way to act without taking action. We are not empowered and we fail to empower others.

Of course, “bad” things are happening in the world. Sometimes, “bad” things happen to us and to our loved ones. It is during these times, that we may want to consider taking a step back before we choose worry as our reaction. We may want to ask ourselves what would be our truest intention. Is it to feel bad for the sake of feeling bad or are we simply acknowledging our feelings before moving into positive action? Is it to offer authentic support to a friend in need or do we just want to give the appearance of caring? Or, are we worrying because we feel powerless to do little else? When we choose to react to life’s unpleasant events from a place of pure intention, we allow ourselves the freedom to genuinely express caring. And it is through this authentic expression that we empower ourselves and others.

POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL

2010-10-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

DAILY STRUGGLE:

During a spurt of bad PMS, I asked God why I feel as if I am spinning my wheels, as if I am striving to get somewhere but can never quite reach it. I put my head down in frustration and almost immediately I heard, “Look what you have already created. You wanted to buy a place when you changed jobs, and you did that. You wanted a new car within a year, and you did that. You wanted to move into a place surrounded by windows and trees and have outdoor spaces, and you did that. You wanted to move positions in your job and to change locations, and now you’ve done that; you even have a big office with big windows and NO ONE there! You’ve created exactly what you desired.”

And, I thought about that. In my pity, it came to me that “spinning my wheels” was more about me perpetuating my own unhappiness by not fully appreciating what I have created. I use the guise that “I am always striving to be better, to become more, I can’t get complacent…” but I came to understand in those thoughts that the only way that I will create more of what I want is to be relaxed in what I have already created.

Now “relaxed” may seem to be a curious word, why not “appreciative”, or “thankful”? Well, I am coming to realize that I have to relax my mind into accepting my successes, whatever they are right now. I have to relax my body into the belief that I can and will create more of what I want. I have to relax my emotions by recognizing that everyday is not going to feel the best and even in that, my past and present creations are not meaningless.

I said to myself this morning, “If I had my house on the hill with lots of windows and I was touring, delivering my God-given message, I wouldn’t feel like this, I’d be happy.” I had to check myself with the thought that during travel, I may miss my family, or I may find myself lonely from time-to-time. And, that’s when I realized that it’s not geography, it’s not partnership, it’s not circumstances, it is simply a matter of relaxing; at least for today. ;-)

By Alisa

WHEN BLACK MAN + BLACK WOMAN = WHITE WOMAN

2010-09-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Even in the year 2010, interracial relationships continue to be hotly debated and are often a point of contention between Black men and Black women. With all of the reports about the shortage of “good Black men” going around nowadays, some of us can get a little “spicy” when the topic comes up-and that’s putting it mildly.

We use all kinds of clichés to express how we feel (“Your mother is a Black woman. How can you say that we aren’t good enough?”), but none of it gets to the root of the real issue; and that is a belief in shortages and limited choices. Some of us express our displeasure loudly and openly, but preface our statements by saying that we believe that we should all love one another; that there are no color lines; that we are all God’s children. But if this is the case, why is it that some of us look upon interracial relationships, specifically Black Men with White women, as being an insult or a slap in the face to ALL Black women, everywhere? Do we really believe that the reason that we “don’t have a man” is because the “good” ones are being snatched up by predatory White women? Is it really a matter, as some of us would assert, that White women are easier to get along with and more willing to put up with crap than we are? Or could it be that Black men who date White women are filled with self-loathing and suffering from low self-esteem? Logically speaking, if these things are really true, wouldn’t we prefer, for these Black men to seek love elsewhere? Or is it that we want them to stay, against their own will, and be with us because they “should?”

Some of us speak of our loyalty to the Black man, saying that we would NEVER date outside our race, as if that somehow proves that we are more committed to our collective well-being than they are. We are ALWAYS down. We ALWAYS have our men’s back. When a Black man “dates White”, we often view this as an act of desertion. Our perception is that they have turned their backs on us; leaving us unwanted, unsupported, and unloved. Now of course, according to some of us, it’s okay for a Black man to date a White woman, but we take offense when we have determined that he has made it a HABIT or when it becomes his preference. But who are we to make that call?

We’ve heard most, if not all of the arguments. From intellectual discussions about the disappearing Black family to flat out anger and sadness over feeling dismissed and disrespected as Black women. All of these arguments have valid points, but we must always remember that there is no attack. There is no conspiracy. There are just people making decisions about who they want to love and be with. And whether those decisions come as a result of a deliberate choice or because of some deeply-rooted dysfunction, it is not OUR place to judge or criticize. Our only work while we are here is to be the best WE can be, as we encourage and support others to do the same. And in doing so, we must realize that we may not always agree on what is “right” or “best.”

When we mistakenly believe that someone else’s choice is making a statement about who we are, we limit our ability to define ourselves. And who we are is beautiful and worthy and powerful.

ON GETTING A RING PUT ON IT......

2010-08-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

Commitment. One word that women of all ages are familiar with. Most of us want it, many of us chase it, and some of us worship the thought of having it. We want somebody to “put a ring on it.”

But often, the search for commitment is not a movement toward something, but more a desire to run away from something; and that something could be loneliness, single girl income or being the last one in a circle of friends to walk down the aisle. Yes, commitment sounds good, but what does it really mean to us? To most of us, it means having a “plus 1.” It means validation. It means that we have been chosen. It means that we are “good enough.”

And as we pursue the brass (or “golden”) ring, the achievement of anything short of that becomes flat and meaningless. "Single" becomes a four letter word and the older we get, the nastier the word becomes for some of us. We come to believe that we have somehow missed the mark or that we don’t measure up; that we alone are not enough; or that we are on the outside of our own lives waiting for someone to unlock the door and let us in. Our other accomplishments begin to pale in comparison and being in a committed relationship becomes the stick by which we measure how successful we are. Careers are not enough. Family is not enough. Friendships are not enough. Love, in all its other manifestations, is not enough.

But through it all, as romantic relationships begin and end on our journey to finding “the one”, we are always left with ourselves. And for that reason, our bliss must come through an appreciation of ourselves and all of the many blessings that we have -recognizing that we are experiencing love regardless of our relationship status. Who we are is not enhanced by a ring. So, in our race toward commitment, we have to ask ourselves, “When I reach that magical destination called ‘married’, who am I gonna be?”

It’s time to rid ourselves of the antiquated belief that our lives will somehow begin with “I do.” Life is happening now; and as we continue to create whatever in our lives that we are desiring, we will be no better or worse than who we choose to be in this very moment.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

2010-08-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

As we grow older and experience various relationships; some good and some not so good, many of us seek to have a greater understanding of ourselves and the men in our lives so that we can better relate to one another. In our quest to do better and be better, we buy books, attend seminars, join groups and engage in endless discussions about relationships. In an effort to transform the quality of our relationships, we analyze the circumstances that have led to a “breakdown” in communication between men and women. And as our awareness increases, we become “experts” who are able to quickly identify dysfunctional behavior in others.

For instance, we know why our best friend continues to date a man who will never marry her, or can recognize when a particular man has a “fear” of commitment and can’t seem to settle down with one woman. In our arrogance, we may even have a suggestion or two about how to “fix” these problems! And, what about us? Somehow, that’s not so easy to tackle. While we are quick to offer advice to others, we are unwilling to take that same advice and do the work it takes to make ourselves better.

As we become more skillful at labeling issues and calling other folks out about what we perceive to be their shortcomings, we are often satisfied to merely label on our own. Now, of course we cannot change what we do not acknowledge, but simply acknowledging our faults does little to transform the quality of our relationships. While it is smart to understand the dynamics of relationships and what it takes to make them succeed or fail, it does not stop there.

When it comes to our personal behavior, we are quick to explain it away and assign it to some past psychological trauma or social stigma that’s causing us to act out; but when exactly do these explanations cease to be explanations and become excuses? Surprisingly, we expect our partners to understand and accept our faults, while we audaciously judge others for their negative behavior. We become complacent with our circumstances and the comfort of having someone there, while ignoring our part in damaging our own relationships. But, if we are truly seeking to heal the quality of our relationships, we should start the healing at home. In order to transform our relationships, we have to be in the act of transformation. This means that we have to take responsibility for our own actions; to actually BE the standard that we set for others.

So, before we engage in conversations where the finger of blame is pointed away from ourselves, maybe we should instead take the time to decide one positive change we will make within our own relationships. It’s great to be able to spot and analyze problems in other people’s relationships, but the best part about understanding where relationships tend to breakdown is using it to identify where our behavior may be similar and taking the advice that we so freely give to others.

RELATIONSHIP KARMA

2010-07-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

“You get what you give.” “What goes around comes around.” We often use these sayings to describe what we consider to be “karma”; a kind of cosmic justice that creates balance in the world. It makes us feel really good to know that ultimately no good deed will go unrewarded just as no bad deed will go unpunished. Somebody or something is keeping score. And because we generally like to consider ourselves to be on the right side of “right”, we do our good works and we sit back and wait for our reward. We are so invested in this belief that we can become really impatient, sometimes to the point of frustration even, when our good stuff fails to show up.

And what about relationships? We do all the right things. We practice being spiritually grounded; we want to be present and emotionally available. We surround ourselves with the right people; “toxic” friends are no longer a part of our inner circles. We keep ourselves physically fit and well groomed as we pluck and wax and tweeze ourselves to perfection. Even more important -we are good. So, so good. Kind, loving, thoughtful and considerate. We are Ms. Right ready for our Mr. Right to appear. We have cleaned out our emotional junk, done our spiritual homework, and we are ready, willing and able to give our best. So what is up with the men who show up in our lives who don’t quite match our perception of our perfect mate? For some reason, our relationship reward seems to be slow in coming. Surely something is off-kilter, but we keep moving and we wait for our good karma to kick in.

And as we move in and out of relationships, attempting to get it right and seeking our reward, we often find ourselves dissatisfied. We feel we deserve better. We see ourselves as more than what we are attracting, but what we fail to realize is that EVERY relationship that we experience is a direct reflection of who we are in any given moment. Through our relationships, we are given the opportunity to truly see ourselves-our greatness and our strength, and also what is injured and needs healing. EVERY man is our Mr. Right and right now is our perfect opportunity to heal and to grow; to use each and every relationship to help us become more of the person that we ultimately want to show up in our lives. Nothing is broken. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is out of balance.

Our karma is good and everything is exactly as it should be.

-This post was written by Angie

Labels Can Get Sticky

2010-07-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

We just love labels. We look for particular labels on the clothes that we wear, the cars that we drive, the products that we use and even on the foods that we eat. We believe that it helps us to differentiate between quality and junk. Heck, we love labels so much that we even put them on people; rich, poor, pretty, ugly, nice, mean, good, bad. We develop lists of characteristics and behaviors that we look for so that we can easily place the people in our lives into neat little categories. Makes life simple, right? Some would say, “yes”, but the problem with labels and categories is that they cause us to limit our choices. And when we limit our choices, we limit our experiences.

When it comes to developing relationships, we tend to analyze everything according to our little lists and we judge (oh, how we judge) a person’s suitability and/or worthiness based upon the limited perspective of our experiences. We treat people according to the labels that we place on them and we feel justified in doing so. In our minds, if a person exhibits a characteristic that places them in a category based upon our past experiences, the person becomes that, i.e., player, selfish, untrustworthy, etc. We have a hard time reconciling the possibility that they can be a person who does something that reminds us of some unpleasant past experience as well as a person who is loving and kind.

As we gain more experience, and we’ve pieced our broken little hearts together time and time again, we become acutely aware of relationship warning signs. When we sense the presence of bullshit or questionable behaviors, the little hairs stand up on our arms and we brace ourselves by building walls and making it clear that we can “see through all of that!” The problem is, one seemingly false move does not a bullshit make. We, all of us, have borderline qualities that would call us to question, and yet we don’t expect for someone to make an assumption about our entire character based upon one or two shortcomings.

It is understandable that we would want to protect ourselves when getting to know a potential partner. If we didn’t, we would be irresponsible. But we must always remember that we have not met EVERY TYPE of man or woman that exists. Just because a certain characteristic reminds us of a person with whom we have had an unpleasant experience, that does not mean that ALL people with similar characteristics will behave exactly as that person did. Even more importantly, it does not mean that we should respond the same as we did in similar past experiences. Sticking a label on someone based upon “what I know” can keep us ignorant. Maintaining false power over people by holding them in a box of our own construct is the perfect way to ensure ourselves a nice, cozy, enclosure. :)

Is There Really THAT Much Power in The P*?

2010-06-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

We read somewhere that there is not one of ‘our’ relationship problems that cannot be solved by a Black woman simply closing her legs. Humph! Could this be the magical solution? Should we just get some self-esteem and pull our panties up? Now while this may make logical sense to some, we began to mull this familiar supposition over and voila, the idea occurred to us that this widely held belief may not at all be the simple solution it appears to be, but rather a BIG part of the problem!

Inherent in this thinking is that women must be the stronger of the two sexes and therefore must be responsible for making the most discerning decisions regarding intimacy. Could this be setting women up to be the perfect scapegoats upon the demise of relationships gone intimate too soon? Are the successes and failures of our relationships a direct result of what we as women do or don’t do? Is it really ALL about our failure to wield our P* Power with authority? And what about the men?!? Well, it seems that under this scenario, they come out scot-free. They are seemingly relegated to the role of children to be rewarded or punished based upon the quality of their behavior. They are not culpable, nor do they bear any of the burden, or so they may think...

When a man engages in a sexual relationship with a woman for whom he has no serious intentions, the outcome of this “hook up” for the woman is that she often becomes emotionally invested. Even when a woman screams from the rooftop, “I’m just out to get mine!”, repeated attachment to men who have no desire to provide her with the love and attention she is really seeking can lead to a change in attitude; she becomes bitter, angry and mistrustful.

As a result, once a man gets to the age where he wants to settle down, he may find that most of the women he encounters are scorned. We have heard many of our male friends say, “Why am I paying the price for what the last man did?!?" and to that, we respond, “Why would you think that you wouldn’t?” After all, we are all suffering in our own mess, why would YOU be any different? Don’t be naïve, your choice to “do you” while ignoring the part you’ve played in mishandling your female counterparts through the years contributes to our collective pain; and at some point, you will be forced to reckon with it.

Look, it comes down to a need for both women and men to alter our thinking about this issue. For a man to hold onto the antiquated belief that “I need you to keep your legs closed in order for me to respect you and understand your worth”, demeans a man’s personal power. Implying that a woman needs to be responsible for a man's behavior is contrary to a man’s natural inclination to lead. At what point can we start to count on our Black men to have our backs, protect our hearts and keep their pants zipped until they are clear that all women are too precious to simply use and discard?

SHOW ME YOURS AND I'LL SHOW YOU MINE

2010-04-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

Relationships...oh the pain! The misery! The heartbreak! For serial daters, relationships can become a cycle; fun, excitement, challenge, escape, pain, misery, heartbreak. Over and over again until the heart becomes steel and the tongue could pierce armor. For those of us who are “unlucky” in love, we can get to the point where we feel that someone must “earn” our trust before we let our guard down; that we’ve got too much going on to just let some guy use up all of our good stuff and leave us with more emotional baggage than we deny we had before meeting the guy!

Once we get to a “certain age” we can sometimes emit a signal of ‘prove to me that you’re worth my time‘. We can be serious, slow to laugh, quick to accuse and very self-concerned. But when we act like this, is this really us? Are we really showing up to this fresh, clean situation fresh and clean? We fortress our hearts and in the process our soft, feeling center is encased, yet we expect for someone to respond to who we know ourselves to be; warm, loving, generous, thoughtful and interesting...huh?!?

Interaction within a relationship is just like anything else in life; you get what you give. We look for a man to show up and be a perfect representation of himself but oftentimes we aren’t even being our real selves; I mean who is this skeptical, quid pro quo, scorekeeper anyway? It’s funny because we always expect “the one” to be able to see past all of our gar-bage and see us for who we really are, yet we take everyone else we encounter at face value, ha!

When our expectation is that someone will trick us or sell us a dream, we behave in ways that are consistent with that belief. Our behavior, (not being a true reflection of who we know ourselves to be) causes the men in our lives to respond to it, not to us. When we play “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” in a relationship, we lose. If we were honest with ourselves, we would acknowledge that when we take on this attitude, we wouldn’t want to date the person that we are being. Yet, we just justify our behaviors because we know who we really are.

At some point, we have to release...we have to trust that our past experiences and greater understanding will lead us to what is best for us. We have to trust ourselves and know that if things don‘t work out, we will still be ok, we will still be strong, and we will still have our dignity. If we really want to have love in our lives, we have to give ourselves the freedom to let down our guards and trust our own judgment to choose people that will honor us and act accordingly. If our behavior truly is a mirror, we should get back from our partners what we give and if not, we can choose to go elsewhere.

IT'S OVER-WHO'S TO BLAME?

2010-04-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

Most break ups tend to end in a marathon telephone conversation with at least one of our closest friends or a full out pow-wow with all of our girls. The topic? How wrong he was and how we are better off because basically, we could do better, anyway. He’s the loser and he missed out on all of the wonderfulness that is us.

What we often fail to wonder about, however, is why it NEVER seems to be our fault when a relationship ends. And our friends? Far too often, our well-meaning sisters only help to support us in our delusional thinking that we were faultless and perfect during the relationship. After all, we are ”good” women! But even though we are all beautiful, wonderful, worthy of being treated like queens, and blessed children of God, etc., could it be possible that sometimes WE may have been the pin who let all of the air out of the relationship? For many of us, it isn’t enough to have a broken heart. We have to pile delusion on top of it; as if it will lessen the pain for us if we are not to blame. It’s the man who is broken and needs fixing. Not us.

We like it when women bond. It’s good for the soul. And although it’s great to have friends who will let us cry on their shoulders and/or help to smooth our ruffled feathers, we might want to rethink the practice of running to our sisters to get pumped up after a break up.

Post break up periods are a good time for self-reflection; not necessarily a time to magnify every single perceived flaw that he had in an attempt to make ourselves feel better about no longer being in a relationship. It may very well be true that he wasn’t necessarily “man of the year” material, and yeah, maybe he could have been “wrong” about a lot of things, but how exactly does that help us? It doesn’t. It only allows us to keep our own flaws in tact while we continue to arrogantly wade around in our own messiness. Instead of gathering our friends to watch “Waiting to Exhale”, perhaps we would be best served if we used this time as an opportunity to evaluate who we have been and how we can be better partners as we move forward. Being our best possible selves allows us to attract the mate who desires to be the same. Win-win.

Enjoy "What is" for What it is

2010-03-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

As women, we can sometimes focus so heavily on the outcome of a relationship that we miss our opportunity to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the moment. Many of us find ourselves feeling that if the relationship is not “going somewhere”, then it is a waste of our time. We may even stop ourselves from enjoying a perfect date because we don’t want to get too comfortable, or give too much of ourselves. We attempt to avoid being let down- by what we consider to be a potentially unfavorable ending- by holding ourselves apart from living joyously in the moment. Our deepest fear is that we will lose out; that we will somehow be fooled, tricked, or lied to.

When our focus is on the outcome of the relationship instead of the kindness and intimacy shared in each moment with the person that we are involved with, it causes a slew of unintended consequences. There is a shift from joy, to the fear of loss when we look toward a future that is based upon getting to goal and seeking a guaranteed “forever.” For example, if a man says that he wants to get married and have a baby in the future, we may take that to mean that he wants to get married and have a baby with us. But let’s say weeks down the line, he says in conversation, “When my wife and I have a baby…” and it is not clear that he is speaking about us, we are offended and act as if a bucket of ice cold water has been thrown in our face based upon a story that we made up!

The reality is that anyone, at any moment, can decide whether or not they want to be with us. But, not allowing ourselves to feel happy or joyful because a relationship is not “going somewhere” does nothing to endear our partners to us; in fact, it can act as a repellant. The fact will never change that we can’t create our futures based upon what someone else is doing or saying today. We are ever-changing, ever-growing creatures. The best that we can do is to relax and enjoy each moment without plotting and planning what’s in it for us. We should enjoy our every experience based upon the value we receive in the present instead of focusing on the potential that someone else may decide to move on.

DO YOU!

2010-02-23T14:29:00.001-08:00

Ever notice how anxious we sometimes get when things don’t go exactly as we plan? When it comes to relationships, we get particularly wound up when we perceive that our partners are not “on board” with every plan that we choose to create for ourselves or that they are somehow failing us when they don’t participate the way that we would wish for them to... Sometimes, we even feel like we are being stopped from living out our passions and blame them for not supporting us. After trying time and again to engage our partners in endeavors that we enjoy and coming up empty handed, we sometimes give up the fight and call it a compromise.

What we don’t often consider is the impact that this behavior has on us. It is one thing to concede on certain points, all in the name of being generous or sensitive to another’s feelings. It is quite another to concede, but harbor resentment over the decision; or worse yet, to believe that relationships require that sometimes one partner must compromise their life experiences in order to maintain balance within the relationship. This is faulty thinking. When we take on this belief, we actually increase our own sense of powerlessness, create unnecessary stress in our relationships, and lose focus on an absolute truth about life. And this truth is that in any situation, we all have the ability to choose. While it is nice to have our partners along for the adventure, the adventure still remains a possibility for us if we choose to proceed on our own.

Once we release the need to drag others along on our life’s journey, we will see that we do not need for anyone to be compliant with our wishes in order for us to choose to honor our commitment to ourselves when it comes to personal goals, expectations and experiences. When we move forward and fully experience our lives as we intend them to be, we will no longer see others as standing in our way or holding us apart from what we desire, which is often at the root of our self-created anxiety. In this place, we become truly powerful.

Sometimes we can feel resistant and angry when our partners do not meet our plans with the same level of enthusiasm that we would want them to. When we experience this agitation, it is not necessary to control our negative thoughts or blame ourselves for feeling this way. We simply need to surrender our thoughts and our feelings about it and focus on the joy of the upcoming experience, while moving forward toward our goals in a manner that respects our partnerships and honors our commitments to ourselves. The results? A feeling of peace, empowerment, and a recognition that our lives are what we choose to make of them and that sometimes, just sometimes, this means that we have to go it alone……..and that it’s all okay.

Knowing When to Say When

2010-02-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

It is a common stereotype that men have applied to women…..women talk too much! If we would just allow them to have the TV remote, a beer, some good food and great sex every now and again, they would be happy! Of course, this is an oversimplification and different strokes are meant for different folks, but there may be some validity to the statement that as women, we talk too much…… or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that sometimes we just don’t know when to shut up.

We’ve all heard the term “nag” before and it never seems to describe the woman that we see ourselves to be. In our minds, we justify what we say, how we say it, and why we need to constantly repeat ourselves in our communications with the men in our lives. We honestly feel that if we don’t, they will somehow miss the point or may forget to follow through on what we ask of them. But, if we look deeply into why we feel the need to over-communicate on certain issues, we may find a deeply-rooted fear; a fear that we are powerless.

Often, when we feel a compulsion towards repetition, all in the name of “asserting” ourselves or making ourselves clear, what we are really trying to do is manage our own anxiety. If we repeat something enough times, if we can just get them to understand our point of view, if we make sure that they are aware that we ain’t playing and that we mean business, everything will be better. What we fail to see is that once we have worn out our welcome on a discussion topic, we often leave our men feeling deflated, uninspired and resentful. We dampen the brilliance of their creativity, constrict their desire to be generous, and trample on any hope of genuine spontaneity.

In our push to be understood, sometimes we fail to understand. When we force our point out of fear that we will not get OUR needs met, we stop meeting the needs of our partners. If we were to put the shoe on the other foot, how many of us would appreciate the behavior? If our men repeated themselves over and over, over-shared their feelings about our lack of understanding, and demeaned us like children for “stepping out of line”, how tolerant would we be towards them? More than likely, we would say something like, “Not me. Not today!” and remind them that we are fully grown and capable of responding without all of the “extra”.

From this point forward, let’s make an attempt to communicate from a place of love and not fear. We may be surprised at the outcome.

JUST DO IT MY WAY...

2010-02-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

Why is it that we have such a hard time accepting one another as we are when we are in a relationship? Men and women each feel that we bring something magically unique to the table; something that the other just can’t do without. This is true. Women have gifts that men need, as men have certain gifts that women need; but are we using those complementary gifts to our advantage or are we using these gifts to make one another feel inferior?

For a man, that may be observing a woman’s emotions and judging them as wrong or feeling that she is being “dramatic.” However, for women, this looks different. Often, as we observe men’s behavior, we believe that we are smarter or more gifted and we take on the belief that we must tolerate what we perceive to be a man’s shortcomings. We criticize them for small things like when they don’t load the dishwasher correctly or when they go to the grocery store and buy the “wrong” brand of juice, or how they never seem to tuck the corners just so when they make the bed. We make a big deal out of the little things and develop a perception of who they are based upon things that don’t really matter. What makes our way the best way and what is the cost when we continue to hold on to this belief? We become frustrated when things are not done our way, and in turn it causes us to feel burdened or that we don’t have the support that we need from them.

What we don’t get is that this is arrogant. When we judge one another as lacking or deficient in some regard, we aren’t able to appreciate the areas where they are gifted; where they complement or enhance our lives.

It would be so much easier if we choose to see things differently; if we choose to celebrate the differences between one another. Not focusing on what we see as wrong or lacking, but taking the time to appreciate the value that we add to one another's lives.

IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT FOR ME

2010-01-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

We just can't help ourselves. As we live our lives, making observations and taking on different beliefs, we create a vision of what our ideal relationship will look like. We spend our time hunting for a relationship based on this idea of perfection and it doesn't matter what we haven’t seen or experienced in the way of perfection. Most of us have a preconceived notion of how our ideal relationship will go down. In our minds, our love will defy all odds. We will have perfect communication. We will keep our love alive. We will work through everything that comes our way. Our love will conquer all.

It’s always interesting when we get into the grit of a relationship; when the shine wears off and what’s left is the raw, guttural experience of two very different people trying to meet somewhere in the middle. In this place is where “…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, …” begins to sound more like movie dialogue than real-life reality! It is in this moment of reckoning that we begin the internal dialogue of, “is this really worth it??” Sometimes we begin to think about the other character traits and positive aspects our partners are missing that would be more compatible with our idea of a “perfect mate." We begin to question our decision to be with our partner and look for an escape route, or worse yet, a way to change them in order to make them more acceptable. Our declaration to “conquer all” begins to seem naïve, and “I’ll choose better next time” becomes our new mantra.

But, have we ever stopped to consider how much happier and more fulfilled we could be if we focused on what we have before us in this very moment? What if we nurtured our relationships based upon our partner's capabilities, as we know them to be, instead of blaming them for not being what we expected in our relationship fantasies? What if we released the expectation and longing for having something different; could we simply choose for this experience to be enough? Could we allow “happy” to be the joy that we get from allowing them to be who they are, and conversely, them allowing us to be who we are?

Perhaps living the fairytale is knowing that the fairytale doesn't exist. That a "perfect" love is loving one another for who and what we are right now, in this very moment; without the expectation of more, better or different.

DON'T BLAME YOUR CRAZY ON INTUITION!

2010-01-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

As women, we have come to rely on our intuition to help steer us away from danger. We feel confident that what we perceive to be true is reality. Through our intuition, we are able to sniff out a lie. We know when something is "not right" or is out of sorts and it causes us to protect ourselves when we encounter negative situations. In short, we use our intuition to come to conclusions about what "is."

We have become so comfortable with relying on our intuition that we often fail to see when it ceases to be a gift and instead becomes a curse. In relationships, we can get so caught up in the feeling that something is amiss, we lose sight of the purpose of our intuition and instead focus solely on the stories that we create; and these stories are often created as a result of past hurts. Sometimes, things are not as they appear and it is our misinterpretation of what we believe to be intuition that becomes the catalyst for negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that can damage our relationships.

What would be possible if instead of reacting, we choose to take a step back and think about what it is that we really want? Is it to be reassured? Is it to avoid disappointment? When we act on what we think we "know" under the guise of following our intuition, we create tension that leads to breakdowns in communication. Instead of drawing our partners nearer to us, it drives them away. It creates the very thing that we are seeking to avoid.

We have all heard the saying, "the truth always come to light", but when we hold so tightly to our beliefs about what is absolutely true based upon a story that we have conjured up, we can't see the difference between protecting ourselves and causing unnecessary drama.

PROMISES, PROMISES...

2009-12-13T19:29:00.000-08:00

When we say that we are committed to someone, what does that mean? For most of us, we believe that once we enter into a commitment, a promise is made that requires follow-through on an agreement between two people. Once we establish this agreement, we feel that we can plan our future based upon this certainty. We take the “sweet whisperings” of love and all of its hopeful promises and attach it to some future that has yet to happen. But, the expectation that someone else’s emotions, beliefs or behaviors will remain unchanged is unrealistic at best.

The way that we have come to interpret commitment is that when an expression of love is made by a partner yesterday, along with the promises of forever based upon his/her feelings in that moment, it must always and forever be that way. In a commitment, we sometimes don’t recognize how we put people in a box and hold them forever accountable for a thought or a feeling that they shared yesterday. When a person chooses to no longer engage or honor those promises, we often create our own unhappiness by labeling the person as selfish, cruel, and deceptive.

When we do this, we don’t realize how we are being unfair to them and holding ourselves hostage. We cannot grow because we are choosing to be stuck in the past. We kick and scream and fight the process because we are trying to jam our present reality into yesterday’s picture frame. It’s like putting on clothes that don’t fit anymore. Yeah, we may have liked them. They may have been flattering at one time, but when we attempt to squeeze ourselves into clothes that no longer fit, it ain’t gonna be pretty! We are going be uncomfortable, and people around us are going to be uncomfortable watching us. Yes, the clothes used to fit, but they don’t anymore. What are we going to do with that? Fuss about the fact that they don’t fit, or buy some new clothes? We have choices…

What would it look like if we defined commitment as a promise to our partners and ourselves to live in the present? What if commitment was about growth and not a promise to stay the same? What if we chose to live without the pressure of dragging our pasts into our futures? What if we could simply be a witness to our partner’s personal growth and evolution and allow them to be a witness to ours? If our only promise to our partners is to make a commitment to growth, we would see ALL of our relationships as opportunities to love without fear.

CHASING "WIFEY"

2009-12-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Over the years, we have often observed that men make choices in their mates based upon an image of what “wifey” should be or look like. This standard is usually based on a need to impress others or to maintain their self-image. While we understand that everyone has their preferences on who they are attracted to, we can also see how these preferences can be a way of protecting a man from confronting his own insecurities.

We have all heard the stereotype of what men look for in a partner; a woman who is agreeable, doesn’t ask too many questions, doesn’t talk too much, maintains a certain physical “image”, and always, without question, has her man's back. On the surface, these may be perceived as positive traits but judging a woman solely on her ability to conform to this image does not allow a man to truly be all of who he is. When a man makes it clear to a woman that she is too much of one thing or not enough of the other, she may contort herself to fit the mold of what she thinks that man may want. But, what are the unintended consequences of creating this standard?

We believe that only seeking out these preferred traits in a woman could result in a man creating self-imposed limitations that ultimately stagnate his personal growth and stifle his ability to move beyond his comfort zones. Using the perception of lack and the belief in a shortage of “quality men” to instill fear and manipulate women into conforming to a certain standard not only causes injury to the collective self-esteem of women, but it also prevents a man from fully developing into his own manhood. When this happens, a man becomes a child to be catered to instead of a strong man that protects and supports his woman.

When a man deliberately seeks for a woman to be less than who she is, he does not allow himself to be more of who he is. By adopting these stereotypes, he is not making smart choices, as he would assume. What he is really doing is keeping himself safe from feeling vulnerable and therefore becomes a slave to his own insecurities. When a man requires that a woman be a Barbie doll character, he settles for a lie. As this deception plays itself out, he becomes more and more dissatisfied with the women that he attracts, and in turn blames the women for being fake. But, fake is as fake does. When we deny others to be fully expressed in a relationship, we deny ourselves the freedom of being accepted for who we really are.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

2009-11-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

In response to the YouTube video posted in the blog, "You Can't Handle a Strong Black Woman!", we’ve had various off-line discussions. In our interpretation, the common theme among women seemed to be the willingness or a lack of the willingness to take personal responsibility for the truth presented in the video. While we don’t agree with everything presented, we take it as one viewpoint about who Black women have become in relationships; one that cannot be so easily dismissed. And, although we acknowledge that the images represented in the video are not indicative of every Black woman, we do recognize ourselves in some aspects of it.

We found that other women were not so open to the video and dismissed everything contained within it based on the approach taken by makers of the video. But, we didn’t find ourselves to be so easily offended. In conversations about the video, we were able to clearly see how being focused on making someone else wrong (i.e. the video makers, men, society, etc.) keeps us stuck and inhibits our ability to grow. However, for us, we were able to look back at some of our experiences and relate to how being resistant to taking responsibility leads to our own dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

ALISA SAYS:

I have not always wanted to take responsibility for my behaviors in the past. A lot of the time, I would not even know where I was being hurtful until someone pointed it out to me. When attention was brought to my ugliness, I didn’t want to admit that I had made a mistake. I felt that admitting a mistake would have made me appear weak and would have taken away my power and authority. Now “power” and “authority” may sound like curious words within a relationship, but from an early age, I was conditioned to not allow anyone, especially a man, take advantage of me.

I remember a past relationship where I was very loved by a man that had been my friend for years prior to developing into a romantic relationship. He was funny, thoughtful, sweet, intelligent and a man of his word; his only “flaw” was that he made less money than I did at the time. I recall an incident where I accused this loving man of not living up to his potential. I cruelly exposed his weaknesses and stripped him of his dignity. Although I knew this was wrong on a human level, I felt justified because I felt that I needed to put some fire under his butt to inspire him to want to be more…

Shortly after this incident, he cheated on me with another woman. It's only in retrospect that I see myself clearly. Instead of encouraging him and pointing out his strengths, offering loving guidance and supporting his growth in HIS time, I chose to contribute to his low self-esteem, break his spirit, and reaffirm his internal belief-system that had held him captive for so long.

No one knows whether he would have cheated or not if I had been secure enough in myself to focus more on his intense love for me, his integrity and his positive work ethic, rather than how I felt about HIS life choices. What I do know is that if at the time, I had been less focused on how he was wrong for cheating and more concerned about my role in making him feel like less than a man, I would have become more of a woman sooner.

ANGIE SAYS:

For me, I see how easy it is for women to evade personal responsibility for our actions in relationships. After all, society supports us in our victimization. No matter what we do, it seems that we can always fall back on the same response, “if he hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y” or “it’s his fault!” But what is the cost for us using this excuse? The cost is a loss of power, dignity and integrity. It causes us to place our self-esteem and emotional well-being in someone else’s hands and it causes us to look outside ourselves for the truth the resides within each of us.

As I look back on each of my past relationships, I can acknowledge how very clearly I saw my partners for who they were. My “issue” was that I judged them according to the story of who I thought they should be and became offended or made them wrong whenever they couldn’t meet those standards. Therefore, for me at that time, I was quick to jump to the conclusion that it was their fault when we encountered problems in the relationship.

I do not know how long those relationships would have lasted if I had made myself responsible for what I knew from the beginning instead of waiting for them to magically turn into my “ideal man”. But, what I do know is that I would have avoided suffering had I only lived in the truth of what I had always known them to be. I would not have ignored those attributes that inspired me or would have allowed me to appreciate the love that they unselfishly gave; even though it may not have looked the way that I thought that it should have. Today, I am friends with my exes. Not because of who they should be, but because of who they are. My love for them is unconditional, period.

When we look at videos like RIP Black America2, we can choose to take what is true for us and discard the rest. When we are immediately offended by the delivery of a message, it can distract us from hearing the parts of the message that can propel us toward our own personal growth. Through our experiences, we have come to realize that we owe it to ourselves and our partners to be responsible for our choices and the actions that we take as a result of those choices. Focusing on someone else's shortcomings does nothing to bring us to a common understanding in our relationships. Instead, it only further alienates our partners and causes them to withdraw from being emotionally available to us. When we become stuck in the story of "It's not my fault!", NOBODY wins.

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE A STRONG BLACK WOMAN!"

2009-11-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

While watching the video RIP Black America2, we were both struck by the narrator’s use of the statement, “You can’t handle a strong black woman,” to describe our denial and inability to take responsibility for who we have become in our relationships. He brutally describes black women as “egotistical children” that have resorted to petty power, bullying and tricks to get our men and/or develop relationships. He says that all the black woman has is an “ego” and a constant need to be told how great she is. While this is clearly a bitter pill to swallow, we asked ourselves “uhh, does he have a point?” :-/

Many times as black women we have been vulnerable in situations where we have allowed ourselves to be stripped of our self-esteem. From that, we have equated being vulnerable with being diminished, or made powerless. As a result, we find ourselves walking around at a ‘tea party’ with boxing gloves on; on-guard against attack. We don’t see how we’re contributing to the gap that has been created between black men and women.

The distinction that we see is between demanding respect and commanding respect. When we demand respect, we do look like “egotistical children” that need to resort to “petty power” to get what we want. Instead, when we rely on our authentic power as women to nurture, and to lead, and to hold things together, we are naturally positioned to command respect from a person that is willing and able to respond to our best selves.

What do you think, have black women replaced “authentic power” with “petty power”?

RELAX! LIFE AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE!

2009-11-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

Growing up we both have memories of wanting to get bigger so that we could have access to what our older siblings and the big kids on the block had. We remember when we were finally able to make it past the height requirements for every ride at Disneyland, only to become equally as passionate about reaching the age where we could stay home alone. Soon we were looking forward to driving, later curfews, college, and then the freedom of adulthood to make our own rules and live our own lives.

And so it goes, a never-ending cycle of believing that once we get to our next level, our happiness will show up. As children we had defined timelines to progress in life and we used these milestones as a measurement of our success. This practice became a habit that as adults we now carry and we rarely stop to ask ourselves why we continue to race toward where we think we want to be. Often, we compare ourselves to others and feel anxiety if we see ourselves as losing in the race to getting "bigger."

As women, we learn early on that part of winning our race includes the magical day when some man makes us his wife. There is a timeline embedded in this milestone, as well. As single women, we gauge how on-track we are in life compared to members of our peer group that are married or in a relationship. We tend to create our own suffering when we conclude that we are not worthy, or desirable, or that something is wrong with us because we are single.

What's the hurry? We thought we'd be happy when we were old enough to be out on our own. We thought we'd be happy when we could make enough money to buy the things that we thought we should have. But, the more milestones we achieve, the more we feel we need to achieve and the more anxious we become.

When we let go of comparisons and instead appreciate each season of our journey, we release ourselves from the anxiety that is attached to a defined outcome. If being a grown up is about freedom, then let's stop following the cookie-cutter habits we established as children and start creating our own rules.

THE DOCUMENTARY - PART ONE

2009-10-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of participating in the making of a documentary on love and relationships. Women and men from various backgrounds and professions came together to discuss the one thing that we all strive for but do not always agree on how to get it, maintain it, or how to conduct ourselves in it: LOVE!

The conversations were lively and provided everyone involved the opportunity to be honest about our philosophies on love and relationships, what we hope to experience in our relationships and where we sometimes feel lost. Looking back, the experience was both exhilarating and thought-provoking...

We both had many "ah ha" moments throughout the day and gained further insights on who we are and have been to the men in our lives, as well as who we want to be in relationship. While we would all agree that relationships can be challenging, in the end, we seek common ground and to love one another.

Peace and blessings to the cast and crew!

YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME!

2009-10-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

In chapter four of "The Conversation", Mr. Hill Harper makes the observation that women sometimes fail to make the men they date feel wanted. He describes making a man feel wanted as, "...a woman[s] truly including a man in her decision-making process, asking him to weigh in on things that matter to her, and then valuing his answer." When we read this, we began to evaluate why we sometimes do not allow a man's opinion to weigh as heavily as our girlfriends' on things that are important to us.

Where did we get this? Are we fearful that if we accept a man's direction, we have relinquished control over our own lives and could be lead down the wrong path and left in a ditch? Too often, we believe that the way to make a man feel wanted is by wearing sexy shoes and lingerie, but this is just window-dressing. We tend to only accept his input when he agrees with our point-of-view and when he doesn't, we make it clear to him that we don't need his help, period. However, when it comes to our advice for him, we want to be the leader of the band! We want him to march in perfect step, never break formation, and to sound damned good while doing it!

So many of us desire the comfort of a good man, yet we find ourselves struggling with how to make a man feel wanted and how to share our lives in a meaningful way. Fear can cause us to be unwilling to allow a man who is worthy, but imperfect like ourselves, to step up in a way that honors the both of us. We would all say that we want to make a man feel wanted, but if that is truly what we desire, then we have to behave in ways that are consistent with experiencing that outcome.

I GOT YOU, BOO!

2009-10-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

We all know what it looks like when we get caught up running extra errands for our man and picking up his slack even when he doesn't ask for it; in other words, "I got you, Boo." Often, we do this to make ourselves indispensible. We live in the story of 'this is what you do when you're in a relationship' and in doing these things, our men will recognize how good we are.

But, daytime television would not be the same without all of the Court TV shows filled with cases of "I got you, Boo" gone wrong. Funny, how all of our good intentions and selflessness go out of the window when we perceive that our actions are not appreciated. When we are in the depths of a relationship, and it looks like things may go our way, we extend ourselves to keep the good feelings going by doing, doing, doing, for our men. However, when a man does not show the proper amount of appreciation for our efforts, we judge him as being bad for taking advantage of our willingness to make life easier for him.

What would it look like if we focused primarily on what we gained from the relationship that offered us such valuable practice? Practice at becoming a better cook, a more patient person, a sensual lover, or how to better relate to and communicate with men. Yet, we often choose to play the victim and focus only on what someone has taken from us. We feel taken advantage of when the truth is; we've offered ourselves not for the sake of being generous, but to enhance our image in someone else's eyes.

Can you recall a time when you may have given of yourself in a relationship to enhance your image and now realize that you missed an opportunity to appreciate who you have become as a result of the experience?

I ALREADY KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

2009-10-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Last week we started reading "The Conversation" by Hill Harper. We were really excited that Mr. Harper is taking on a lot of the issues that we hope to explore in our blog. We will be periodically blogging about some of the issues that he addresses in his book and we invite you to share in some of your experiences and self-discoveries. We strongly encourage you to pick up a copy of the book and be a part of our on-line discussions!

In chapter three of "The Conversation", Mr. Harper points out the various stereotypes that black women and black men have about each other and how they threaten our possibility of creating happy relationships. It started us questioning what stereotypes we've bought into and how they have impacted our relationships. Once we began excavating our belief systems and looking at the ickiness that we each have inside, we recognized that we would have to get real with ourselves before we would be able to get beyond these negative stereotypes and press the "PERMANENT DELETE" button on our real feelings.

ANGIE SAYS:

While I don't buy into the stereotypes that were presented in the book, I was struck by the belief that black women have an "I don't need a man" attitude, especially since so many of us are looking to be in a relationship. As I thought long and hard about that, it came to me that in many ways, my preference for a particular kind of man comes across to brothers as judgment or simply put, that I don't need a man. I then realized that I, like many women, look for the same qualities in men that I saw in my father.

My father was strong. He took care of business and never complained. I rarely saw any sign of weakness. Because of this, I realize that I have often mistaken a certain sensitivity as weakness in a man. I now see that this is not necessarily so. While I still prefer a "strong" type I am now able to better make the distinction between what it is to prefer particular traits and having judgment about men who do not exhibit their strengths in the same way that I am familiar with. Strength can be shown in many ways if I am open to seeing it.

ALISA SAYS:

It is sad to say, but I identified a good deal with the stereotypes Mr. Hill listed in his book about black men. Once I concluded chapter three, and I had to 'permanent[ly] delete' these beliefs, I struggled. I didn't want to because these beliefs were too deeply rooted based upon what I had experienced, seen, heard, and felt. I had always felt that I didn't like the negative things that black men did but when I got real with myself, I discovered that all of the negative things that black men do actually added up to my definition of what a black man is. I was shocked.

Combing through my experiences and past relationships, I realized that I had so many bad feelings and mistrust toward men. To escape, I began reaffirming the negative stereotypes resigning myself to "that's just the way it is" but then I dug in and challenged myself to go further, to be stronger. It's just that I had no idea that I could run those negative tapes and stereotypes over and over in my mind and not be able to separate myself from the belief that that crap was true...

By doing the work to examine the stereotypes and how they personally affected each of us, we are now more aware of how harboring these false beliefs can damage our relationships. Holding on to negative generalizations about other people does not allow us to see the lie in the thinking and it prevents us from recognizing where we need to heal ourselves. Ultimately, this negative thinking holds us back from what we most want; to love and be loved.

What negative beliefs do you have about the opposite sex? How do you think they have impacted your relationships?

I WANT HIM TO WANT TO MAKE ME HAPPY

2009-09-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

Anonymous' Comment: "...I in no way feel satisfaction in making my mate unhappy. The satisfaction comes when they are happy to make me happy and vice versa. Sometimes that means making sacrifices. Aren't relationships all about making sacrifices/compromises?"

ALISA SAYS:
I am motivated by the desire to make someone happy. When a person has captured my interest, I want them to have something within them that causes me to want to step outside of myself and give more. But, I also want them to see something in me that will cause them to do the same. I recognize that there is a breakdown in that thinking. A person should not have to do something or be some way in order for me to be more of who I am.

ANGIE SAYS:
"The satisfaction comes when they are happy to make me happy..." Hmmm...what exactly does this mean? Once we peel back the layers of the "story" about what relationships should be and eliminate all of the romantic notions about what it means to make someone happy, an undeniable truth remains. Someone cannot make us happy, they can only share in our happiness.

When we want someone to want to make us happy, we still want what we want; we just want them to be happy doing it. This thinking has nothing to do with having consideration for the other person; rather it is about us wanting them to want something for our own selfish gratification. Some would argue that they are not asking for something that they are not willing to give, but this is bartering.

This kind of quid pro quo can constitute a relationship, but is it love? Love in its purest form is giving without the expectation of getting something in return. At the moment that we expect something from love, we are no longer in a place of being loving. The concept that we have of love can be used as a tool to help us achieve what we want, or to feel a certain way, but love as a simple way of being requires nothing. Ironically, when we are loving, people around us are naturally inspired to share in the things that we appreciate.

In love relationships, how do we recognize when we are using love as a tool to get what we want? How do we begin to recognize in ourselves when we have turned the corner and have gone outside of love?

IF YOU LOVE ME, PROVE IT: THE STORY OF SACRIFICE IN RELATIONSHIP

2009-09-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

We often expect men to make certain sacrifices for the "good" of the relationship because in our "story" that is what love and commitment are all about. As women, we make certain concessions and go out of our way to prove our love. We demonstrate through our sacrifices that we are worthy of his love and we believe that he should do the same.

For a number of us women, one way that love and commitment are measured is by a man's willingness to do something that we want him to do even when it is clear to us that he doesn't want to do it. We get some kind of satisfaction in knowing that he has made himself unhappy to make us happy. Now this may not necessarily be the intention, but if we were to take away all of the superficial reasons behind why we have made his compliance meaningful, we would see how in some way our self-worth is tied to a story about how we maintain power in the relationship.

Of course, in love, there is sacrifice, but the distinction here is choice. The difference is in the person choosing how to express their love and commitment and our ability to accept that without making judgments about whether or not it is "good enough."

Where did the belief "if you love me, you'll do what I want you to do, even though you don't want to do it..." come from and why do we buy into it?

Why do we get tricked into thinking that sacrifice, as we narrowly define it, enhances the relationship? What role does obligation and sacrifice play in making the relationship "good?"

THE STORY OF THE FAIRYTALE RELATIONSHIP

2009-09-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

In our discussions, we've discovered something about ourselves. We found out that in seeking a relationship with a man, we have created a character image of a man and our image of him rarely changes. This role comes complete with a costume, props, character breakdown and pre-written lines; and the accompanying story has a pre-determined "happy-ending" that more often than not ends with a ring, two kids, a house and a dog!

We spend our time looking for an actor to play the part and it doesn't matter who he is, or what he does, what his beliefs are or even what his expectations are for the relationship. You see...we believe that all men should follow our script. And, when he doesn't we ask ourselves "what's wrong with him?"

But more than that, we like this script, this script comforts us and when he doesn't follow it we think "what's the point?" The whole point of the script is to follow the script. He is supposed to sweep us off our feet, love us unconditionally and know exactly what we need and what to say at the right moments...

But then we figured out that we had bought into a story and we started to question ourselves, we began challenging ourselves and challenging each other asking:

Oh, really? And how realistic is that? Who made up this story and why have we adopted it as our own? If we look around at other people's relationships...I mean really look, do we see this fairytale story playing itself out according to our expectations? How many people follow a script that other people write for them?

And we asked ourselves "did we?" Do you?