Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Enjoy "What is" for What it is

As women, we can sometimes focus so heavily on the outcome of a relationship that we miss our opportunity to enjoy the relationship for what it is in the moment. Many of us find ourselves feeling that if the relationship is not “going somewhere”, then it is a waste of our time. We may even stop ourselves from enjoying a perfect date because we don’t want to get too comfortable, or give too much of ourselves. We attempt to avoid being let down- by what we consider to be a potentially unfavorable ending- by holding ourselves apart from living joyously in the moment. Our deepest fear is that we will lose out; that we will somehow be fooled, tricked, or lied to.

When our focus is on the outcome of the relationship instead of the kindness and intimacy shared in each moment with the person that we are involved with, it causes a slew of unintended consequences. There is a shift from joy, to the fear of loss when we look toward a future that is based upon getting to goal and seeking a guaranteed “forever.” For example, if a man says that he wants to get married and have a baby in the future, we may take that to mean that he wants to get married and have a baby with us. But let’s say weeks down the line, he says in conversation, “When my wife and I have a baby…” and it is not clear that he is speaking about us, we are offended and act as if a bucket of ice cold water has been thrown in our face based upon a story that we made up!

The reality is that anyone, at any moment, can decide whether or not they want to be with us. But, not allowing ourselves to feel happy or joyful because a relationship is not “going somewhere” does nothing to endear our partners to us; in fact, it can act as a repellant. The fact will never change that we can’t create our futures based upon what someone else is doing or saying today. We are ever-changing, ever-growing creatures. The best that we can do is to relax and enjoy each moment without plotting and planning what’s in it for us. We should enjoy our every experience based upon the value we receive in the present instead of focusing on the potential that someone else may decide to move on.